{"id":1285,"date":"2018-10-23T12:46:38","date_gmt":"2018-10-23T16:46:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thecelebritytherapist\/?p=1285"},"modified":"2018-10-23T12:46:38","modified_gmt":"2018-10-23T16:46:38","slug":"people-attract-dysfunctional-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thecelebritytherapist\/2018\/10\/people-attract-dysfunctional-relationships.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Some People Attract Dysfunctional Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Relationship-Problems-\u2013-How-Does-Meditation-Help-Solve-Them\"Most of us tend to pick partners who reflect the vision we have of ourselves and our world. When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Compatibility and a sense of ease in a relationship come from having similar preferences, ideas, and values about things like money, religion, monogamy, parenting, and even what makes for good sex. The Legacy Project at Cornell University even did a study on this. They interviewed hundreds of people who had been married 40 or 50 years, and even longer. Most agreed that shared values are at the core of a healthy, long-lasting marriage.<\/p>\n

But we don\u2019t pick the people we\u2019re with based on values alone.<\/p>\n

We also choose people who have similar ideas about what relationships look like and how they should play out. This sounds good but it can also backfire.<\/p>\n

If your caregivers never really modeled what healthy relationships look like, that could mean you end up being attracted to partners who remind you of your dysfunctional family relationships\u2014relationships where you never got what you needed. In other words, if you have a world view that never really worked for you, you\u2019re more likely to be in a relationship with someone who ultimately can\u2019t give you what you need.<\/p>\n

These kinds of choices fulfill that need to stick with what we\u2019re familiar with. So we pick partners who remind us of the dysfunctional parental-child bonds we know so well. There\u2019s a subconscious need to repeat that dysfunction, only this time with a different outcome\u2014a kind of do-over. In other words, we\u2019ll marry someone who is just like mom and dad (demanding, unnurturing, unresponsive to us), but this time they will give us just what we need. We\u2019ll get to live our childhood over, only this time with a happy ending.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s a fantasy. And people who seek out these types of relationships often end up trying to change their partner and control the relationship. The problem is, that never works. If your parents disappointed you, and you pair up with someone who is just like your parents, that person will also disappoint you.<\/p>\n

Because we tend to pick partners who reflect our world view, people who are willing to give endlessly, often with little in return, tend to attract people who are happy to take endlessly and give back very little. When we\u2019re disappointed, though, rather than move on, we start making excuses for our partner. And when we deny what is real in a partner\u2014the bad as well as the good\u2014we lose the ability to assess who we are picking and become more vulnerable to being exploited and even abused.<\/p>\n

At the very least, we end up preventing out partner from growing and making the changes they really need to make. After all, if you keep making it easy for your partner to exploit you, they\u2019ve got no reason to change.<\/p>\n

The truth is that you\u2019re powerless to change anyone but yourself, and you\u2019re kidding yourself if you think you can. Only your partner can change themselves, and only if they really want to change.<\/p>\n

We might long for a partner to parent the child deep within us\u2014the one who is still angry and unfulfilled\u2014the way we were never parented. But healthy relationships between adults are not about parenting. They are partnerships between equals. As long as we yearn for parents rather than true partners, we will never be able pick partners who can truly (and realistically) give us what we need as adults.<\/p>\n

What this all means is that whenever you focus on fixing someone else, an alarm should go off. It\u2019s a warning that there is something inside of you that needs to be addressed. Focusing on fixing another person is just a way to avoid focusing on yourself and on fixing your own issues.<\/p>\n

Sherry Gaba, LCSW\u00a0is a\u00a0Certified Transformation\u00a0and Recovery\u00a0Coach and\u00a0the leading Psychotherapist on VH1\u2019s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives.\u00a0Take her quiz<\/a>\u00a0to find out if you\u2019re a love addict or sign up for a\u00a030-minute strategy session.<\/a>\u00a0She is also the author of\u00a0\u201cThe Marriage and Relationship Junkie:Kicking your Obsession\u201d<\/a>.\u00a0Sherry maintains a private practice in Westlake Village, and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit\u00a0www.sherrygaba.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Most of us tend to pick partners who reflect the vision we have of ourselves and our world. When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. 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