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When you\u2019re in the grip of a marriage addiction, it seems as if you can never pick the right partner. You keep ending up with someone who\u2019s emotionally unavailable, who\u2019s super needy or manipulative or just downright abusive. Or someone who dumps you. It\u2019s never the right one. Is it you, or do you just have a poor picker?<\/p>\n
The truth is, it\u2019s your picker. People are usually attracted to a partner who is familiar in some way, who shares their view of how people interact in relationships. If you came from a family of happily married caregivers who gave their children (that\u2019s you) all the care and nurturing and support and guidance you needed to grow into a healthy adult, that\u2019s great. In that case, a partner who mirrors the family you grew up in is likely to lead to a happy marriage.<\/p>\n
But marriage and relationship addicts typically grew up with caregivers who either abandoned or neglected them. Often, they ended up being the ones who had to care for and support their parents. Sometimes, they were told all the time that they were never good enough, never worthy of love.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, that means marriage junkies end up being attracted to partners who remind them of their dysfunctional family relationships where they never got what they needed. These choices fulfill a subconscious need to pick partners who remind us of the parent-child bonds we are so used to\u2014no matter how unsatisfying they were. Our subconscious minds think, \u201cYes, I know this, it feels familiar, I know how to deal with this kind of relationship.\u201d So we end up reliving those unsatisfying, unfulfilling childhood relationships as adults. Different people, but the same scenarios.<\/p>\n
But there\u2019s more. Marriage and relationship junkies need someone to take care of them in a way their early caregivers did not. Often, they have a fantasy that they\u2019ll marry someone who\u2019s just like emotionally absent dad or perpetually critical mom, only this time around they will give us exactly what we need. We\u2019ll get to live our childhood over, but this time with a happy ending.<\/p>\n
Your rational mind knows that you can\u2019t relive the past; all of us only get to live now. But that subconscious mind is craving a do-over, and trying to make you believe it\u2019s possible. So it\u2019s pushing you to pick someone who is like your early caregivers\u2014someone who can never give you what you need. And it\u2019s feeding a fantasy that this time things will be different. Which they won\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, you\u2019re searching for someone to be your everything, but end up picking someone who is much, much less. You can\u2019t fix old childhood wounds by picking familiar but unsatisfying partners. There\u2019s just no way around it: If your parents disappointed you and you marry someone who is just like your parents, that person will also disappoint you. Your picker needs a readjustment.<\/p>\n
Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of the award winning book The\u00a0Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0Ecourse<\/a>. You can\u00a0take her quiz<\/a>\u00a0to find out if you are co-dependent or sign up for a\u00a030 minute strategy session<\/a>\u00a0with Sherry. Check out Sherry\u2019s new book\u00a0The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When you\u2019re in the grip of a marriage addiction, it seems as if you can never pick the right partner. You keep ending up with someone who\u2019s emotionally unavailable, who\u2019s super needy or manipulative or just downright abusive. Or someone who dumps you. It\u2019s never the right one. Is it you, or do you just…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":402,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1217","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n