{"id":235,"date":"2020-03-25T20:47:01","date_gmt":"2020-03-25T20:47:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/?p=235"},"modified":"2020-03-25T20:47:16","modified_gmt":"2020-03-25T20:47:16","slug":"can-men-and-women-just-be-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html","title":{"rendered":"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Canva\"
canva.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019ve sat with far too many women and men heartbroken by marital infidelity. They wonder what signs they missed, what they could have done differently, what anyone could possibly do to prevent such a thing. Should they have noticed their husbands laughing more brightly than usual at someone else\u2019s joke? Should they have spoken up and insisted their wife not go to that team-building day away from the office, knowing that Eric from sales\u2014who also happens to be the local Cross-fit champion\u2014would be there?<\/p>\n

The underlying question is this: is it safe for married men and women to have friendships? Or, as Harry says in When Harry Met Sally<\/em>, are we to conclude that \u201cmen and women can\u2019t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way\u201d? Many have concluded that with the risks of sexual unfaithfulness being what they are, it\u2019s better not to \u201ctempt fate\u201d. Men and women can\u2019t just be friends, we\u2019re told. And even if that can, they shouldn\u2019t because it\u2019s just too risky. Our rules function like caution tape: Just don\u2019t even go there.<\/em><\/p>\n

The problem with this advice, though, is that while it means well (in its goal to avoid sin), it is advice predicated on fear. And developing any set of rules based on what could go wrong isn\u2019t the right place to start. The right place to start is with the big picture of what\u2019s at stake and what our guiding values are, and once we\u2019re clear on first principles, we can tease out the implications for harder cases.<\/p>\n

This start-with-first principles method was how Jesus modeled ethics. Jesus said all <\/em>\u00a0the law and prophets rest on two essential commandments: to love God, and to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-40). Everything else flows from that.<\/p>\n

If we approach the ethics of male-female friendships by working our way back from worst-case scenarios, we are starting with the wrong questions. Jesus himself didn\u2019t withdraw from intimate friendships for the fear of sexual chemistry gone awry. If our primary question is, \u201cHow can we avoid sexual sin?\u201d, we are framing the whole conversation around avoidance and fear.<\/p>\n

But God has given us a framework\u2014his first principles\u2014to start with a better question. If we ask instead, \u201chow can men and women live in relationship as God intended?\u201d, we are better able to find our bearings and chart a path forward. The answer to this, in fact, is resoundingly clear throughout the New Testament: God intends for us to live as brothers and sisters in his family. Our nuclear families (the ones we\u2019re born into or we marry into) along with the bigger family of God provide both a matrix for us to consider how we can relate, and a strong foundation for navigating the trickier questions as they come. Central to the challenge, then, is figuring out how a \u201cbig family\u201d mindset can help us find our bearings for the everyday friendships with men and women around us.<\/p>\n

Friendship is how we describe relationships of affinity, connection, and care from among the broader community of people we know. Friendship chooses from among acquaintances and invests more deeply and more personally. We recognize in a friend something that sparks interest, delight, or recognition. We might share a passion (for graphic novels, or ice hockey, or kayaking), or a season of life (raise your hand if you\u2019ve made a friend during a finals\u2019 study session, or on the sidelines of a youth soccer match). We might find friends among those who share a mutual goal\u2014such as training for a marathon\u2014or among a set of work colleagues who all need to survive a ridiculous boss (Michael Scott in The Office<\/em>, anyone?) We find a friend when we notice that someone isn\u2019t just one face among a sea of acquaintances, but a person of particular interest: an ally, or a buddy.<\/p>\n

Anyone can experience both friendship and family, but those who share a common faith in Christ have a spiritual connection that fundamentally shapes their experiences. Being united to Jesus ripples into every sphere of life and affects every circle of relationships. Our primary matrix for relating to other Christians is no longer figuring out whether they\u2019re \u201cacquaintances\u201d or \u201cfriends\u201d, but already knowing they are brothers and sisters because we share the same Father (John 1:12). The kindred spirits we look for in friendship draw from a deeper existing connection: kinship. So, when it comes to how believers should treat male and female friends, we have our first principles: treat them as brothers and sisters.<\/p>\n

1 Timothy 5:1-2 gives us our foundational framework for healthy relationships across gender lines: \u201cTreat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.\u201d (NIV) As believers in Christ, we are<\/em> called to have relationships with both men and women\u2014but our controlling ethos is to make sure these remain brother- and sister-like in their tone and purity. So, for Maria considering whether she can be friends with James, the question is not \u201cShould I have this friend or not?\u201d, since friend<\/em> is not a helpful category for discernment. A question that would help Maria better is, \u201care James and I behaving as siblings would?\u201d<\/p>\n

Friends who are functioning like healthy adult brothers and sisters have one distinguishing trait: they aren\u2019t just a friend to their friend. They\u2019re a friend to their friend\u2019s marriage. Good friends should be cheerleaders for our marriages, not competitors (or predators!) to them. Friendships characterized by the integrity, communication, and community that healthy siblings have can and should be a feature of our communities. I can think of a dozen examples of friendships with brothers and sisters who support my marriage. And yes, some of the best of these I\u2019m honored to call \u2018friend\u2019.<\/p>\n

Bronwyn Lea<\/em><\/a> is the author of\u00a0<\/em>Beyond Awkward Side Hugs: Living as Brothers and Sisters in a Sex-Crazed World<\/em><\/a>.\u00a0She and her husband are from South Africa, but now live in Northern California, where\u00a0they and their three kids count their church community as\u00a0family.\u00a0Bronwyn serves on the pastoral team at her church and is the editorial curator for Propel Sophia, an online wisdom resource for women. Sign up for her monthly-ish newsletter <\/em>here<\/em><\/a>, and connect on Facebook<\/a>, <\/em>Instagram<\/em><\/a>, and <\/em>Twitter<\/em><\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve sat with far too many women and men heartbroken by marital infidelity. They wonder what signs they missed, what they could have done differently, what anyone could possibly do to prevent such a thing. Should they have noticed their husbands laughing more brightly than usual at someone else\u2019s joke? Should they have spoken up…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":563,"featured_media":238,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[118,26,40,121],"class_list":["post-235","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-friendship","tag-men","tag-relationships","tag-women"],"yoast_head":"\nCan Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019ve sat with far too many women and men heartbroken by marital infidelity. They wonder what signs they missed, what they could have done differently, what anyone could possibly do to prevent such a thing. Should they have noticed their husbands laughing more brightly than usual at someone else\u2019s joke? Should they have spoken up…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Stronger Marriages\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-03-25T20:47:01+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-03-25T20:47:16+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/413\/2020\/03\/Canva-Man-in-Blue-Denim-Button-Up-Shirt-Sitting-Beside-Woman-Near-Tree.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"768\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"487\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"nofollow"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?","og_description":"I\u2019ve sat with far too many women and men heartbroken by marital infidelity. They wonder what signs they missed, what they could have done differently, what anyone could possibly do to prevent such a thing. Should they have noticed their husbands laughing more brightly than usual at someone else\u2019s joke? Should they have spoken up…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html","og_site_name":"Stronger Marriages","article_published_time":"2020-03-25T20:47:01+00:00","article_modified_time":"2020-03-25T20:47:16+00:00","og_image":[{"width":768,"height":487,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/413\/2020\/03\/Canva-Man-in-Blue-Denim-Button-Up-Shirt-Sitting-Beside-Woman-Near-Tree.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Admin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html","name":"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/413\/2020\/03\/Canva-Man-in-Blue-Denim-Button-Up-Shirt-Sitting-Beside-Woman-Near-Tree.jpg","datePublished":"2020-03-25T20:47:01+00:00","dateModified":"2020-03-25T20:47:16+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/#\/schema\/person\/10bb83c5d3c7dda293e071001843fe27"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/413\/2020\/03\/Canva-Man-in-Blue-Denim-Button-Up-Shirt-Sitting-Beside-Woman-Near-Tree.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/413\/2020\/03\/Canva-Man-in-Blue-Denim-Button-Up-Shirt-Sitting-Beside-Woman-Near-Tree.jpg","width":768,"height":487,"caption":"canva.com"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/2020\/03\/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Can Men and Women \u201cJust Be Friends\u201d?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/","name":"Stronger Marriages","description":"Navigating Faith and Relationships","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/#\/schema\/person\/10bb83c5d3c7dda293e071001843fe27","name":"Admin","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/author\/bnadmin"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/235","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/563"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=235"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/235\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":268,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/235\/revisions\/268"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/238"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=235"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=235"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/strongermarriages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=235"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}