{"id":618,"date":"2011-09-30T12:36:18","date_gmt":"2011-09-30T12:36:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/preacherskid\/?p=618"},"modified":"2011-09-30T12:36:18","modified_gmt":"2011-09-30T12:36:18","slug":"hear-the-one-about-god-wanting-you-to-read-this-blog","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/preacherskid\/2011\/09\/hear-the-one-about-god-wanting-you-to-read-this-blog.html","title":{"rendered":"Hear the one about God . . . wanting you to read this blog?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
'Nothin' funny about religion, young man!'<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

In the mostly Pentecostal\/fundamentalist churches my Dad pastored, quips that played off scriptures would get a quick frown, if not a secretive note or phone call to the Rev. Robert E. Mims Sr. advising that his son was \u201cin need of much prayer and counseling.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Hey, that actually was a quote from one note. And I probably was in need of those things, and still am<\/em>. That’s for another blog, though.<\/p>\n

To those folks in the pews of yore, there was nothing funny<\/em> about God, or Jesus, or anything “holy.” The pinch-faced crones and their brow-beaten husbands wouldn’t even smile when Dad tried to point out the Lord’s<\/em> <\/a>sense of humor, describing some self-righteous types of his time as: \u201cblind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.\u201d<\/em> (Matthew 23:24 KJV).<\/p>\n

The imagery made me laugh<\/a><\/em>, anyway. Still does.<\/p>\n

The last congregation Dad pastored, though, was far more laid back. It was a \u201ccommunity church,\u201d<\/em> non-denominational, and eclectic group of Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Lutherans, Methodists, a Baptist or two, and a couple Pentecostals, seasoned with an occasional lapsed Catholic.<\/p>\n

It was in that environment that I heard the one about Moses, Jesus and an ethereal old guy playing a round of golf.<\/a><\/em> It begins when Moses tees off, his shot rolls toward the water trap and when he raises his club, the water parts and the ball rolls to the other side.<\/p>\n

Jesus is next, blasting a long one that plunks right in the middle of the same water trap \u2013 but hovers just above the surface. He then strides out on the water and chips the ball onto the green.<\/p>\n

Then the old guy, rather listlessly, takes a swing. The ball goes wide, over a fence, onto a highway, bounces off a car, a tree, the roof of a house, into a rain gutter, down the spout, back onto the golf course, off a rock and onto a lily pad, where a frog snaps up the ball only to be caught in the talons of an eagle which flies over the green just as the frog coughs up the ball . . . which bounds into the hole.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Behold his mighty . . . nine iron?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Disgusted, Moses throws down his club, turns to Jesus and sputters, \u201cI hate playing with your Dad.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

A classic. But since then, I’ve also become an aficionado of \u201cIf God wanted . . .\u201d<\/em> one-liners. Here are just a few of the hundreds out there (with attribution, where available):<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cI don’t exercise, If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Joan Rivers<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Goethe<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God had wanted man to play soccer, He wouldn’t have given us arms.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Mike Ditka<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God had wanted to be a big secret, He would not have created babbling brooks and whispering pines.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Robert Brault<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God had wanted us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?\u201d<\/em> \u2013 anonymous<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God be for us, who can be against us?\u201d<\/em> \u2013 St. Paul<\/p>\n

And maybe my favorite:<\/p>\n

\u201cIf God intended man to understand the human mind, He wouldn’t have given him one.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 bumper sticker<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the mostly Pentecostal\/fundamentalist churches my Dad pastored, quips that played off scriptures would get a quick frown, if not a secretive note or phone call to the Rev. Robert E. Mims Sr. advising that his son was \u201cin need of much prayer and counseling.\u201d Hey, that actually was a quote from one note. And…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":432,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[148,134,84,8,45,83,5,7,3,1],"tags":[381,385,384,383,382],"class_list":["post-618","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bible","category-catholic","category-christ","category-faith","category-fundamentalist","category-jesus","category-pentecostal","category-pop","category-pks","category-uncategorized","tag-god-golf-joke","tag-humor","tag-if-god-wanted","tag-jesus-golf","tag-moses-golf"],"yoast_head":"\nHear the one about God . . . wanting you to read this blog? - Preacher\u2019s Kid: Honest Faith, Real World<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/preacherskid\/2011\/09\/hear-the-one-about-god-wanting-you-to-read-this-blog.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hear the one about God . . . wanting you to read this blog? - Preacher\u2019s Kid: Honest Faith, Real World\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In the mostly Pentecostal\/fundamentalist churches my Dad pastored, quips that played off scriptures would get a quick frown, if not a secretive note or phone call to the Rev. 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