{"id":15,"date":"2010-07-05T20:39:13","date_gmt":"2010-07-05T20:39:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/practicalspirituality\/2010\/07\/misunderstanding-lust.html"},"modified":"2010-07-05T20:39:13","modified_gmt":"2010-07-05T20:39:13","slug":"misunderstanding-lust","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/practicalspirituality\/2010\/07\/misunderstanding-lust.html","title":{"rendered":"Misunderstanding Lust"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

I guess I never really understood the word “lust.” It
\nprobably had something to do with watching too much television growing up, or
\nmaybe it was the fantasies of fictional literature that threw me off. Then
\nagain, the use of the word “lust” in religious traditions was more than likely
\nthe most misleading of all. It is not uncommon for religion to actually depict
\nand emphasize something so adamantly, so strongly, that it actually becomes
\ndistorted and hard to understand. I think this is a big problem for many of us
\nwhen it comes to lust: if you don’t understand it, you don’t know when it’s
\ntruly present or what to do about it.<\/p>\n

When I heard the word lust, the image that always comes to
\nmind is something that looks very dark, maybe a little menacing. It’s
\nbeast-like and uncontrollable. Definitely it’s disrespectful, and very crude. I
\nthink of shallow people and drunken mistakes or stalkers and date rape. But
\nnow, after so many years of being a coach and counselor to others facing their
\nrelationship challenges, and after enough years living on this planet, I can
\nsee that I had lust all wrong.<\/p>\n

Connecting Love and
\nLust<\/b><\/p>\n

I do think that lust is a sexual drive and a sense of sexual
\nlonging and I do think that sexual desire and urgency (or just being horny) is
\na basic dimension of what lust is. All the above examples certainly can include
\nlust. But when we define lust in the extremes – as though it were a mindless,
\nguttural, “Jekle and Hyde” kind of thing, we misunderstand it and can get
\ncaught by it. Lust is also common, natural and normal. It seems it is actually
\na part of being healthy and inspired. Lust can be an expression of vitality,
\ndeep connection, love, or a hormonal shift! So feeling it is perfectly
\nacceptable in my opinion, but acting on it is a whole other issue.<\/p>\n

The complexity lies in how closely linked sex and love are.
\nFor many happily married couples, lust is how they opened the door to their
\nlove, or lust is what helps them keep their love alive. Among couples that
\nstruggle lust is often an issue. Either they lack it in their “love life” (note
\nhow we interchange the word sex for love) or the problem is that one member of
\nthe couple is feeling lust for someone else and gets confused by it. <\/p>\n

Recently, a woman client confided this very problem to me in
\na session. “What should I do? I still love my husband and don’t want to
\ndivorce, but I have all these feeling for my coworker. What is wrong with me?” I
\nassured her that the only thing wrong, was that she was alive and fully human.
\nThe only thing wrong was that she assumed that something was wrong. This woman
\nhad no intentions to act on her feelings and had demonstrated very clear
\nboundaries, but still she was lost in guilt about feeling passion and
\nattraction. Notice how lust that is welcomed by another is called passion, and
\nunwelcomed attraction is often called lust. The love link was that she thought
\nthat because she had a desire to be intimate with another person she must not
\nlove her husband as much, or that she loved this other person more than she could
\naccept with a mere friend. The fine line between love and lust often introduces
\nconfusion – about what we feel and what we truly want. Love often breeds
\nattraction, attraction often leads to love and each seems to require a bit of
\nthe other even in the purest of intentions. Trying to put it all into neat
\nboxes of understanding and rationalization is where the trouble begins.<\/p>\n

In the end, it’s far more normal than you’d think to love
\nmore than one person at once and to feel lust for more than one person at once
\n(even in a day!). The key is to honor what you are feeling, but then to turn
\nyour attention to what you can learn from the feelings, and how you should act
\non them with compassion, respect and awareness of self and others. The strong
\nenergy you are experiencing in a moment of lust can tell you a lot about how
\nyou feel about your life or yourself.<\/p>\n

The Good News About
\nLust<\/b><\/p>\n

Lust can be a great teacher, likely one of the best. Think
\nof it as really an internal process, it’s about how you relate to you<\/i>. The next time you feel a deep
\nromantic or sexual urge toward someone, step back and notice what is really
\ngoing on in your experience. Are you missing something in your own life? Do you
\nneed to work harder at a relationship in your life? Do you have a natural
\nsoulful connection with a new person and have you mixed up a deep sense of
\nsafety and connection with sexual attraction? If it’s just senseless physical
\nattraction, well, there are lots of options and exercise and cold showers among
\nother things still work fine. If it’s senseless and pointless, it’s all the
\nmore reason not to invest in it.<\/p>\n

Lust can teach you a lot, but remember, you need to be
\nwilling to manage your choices wisely and look within to grow from it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I guess I never really understood the word “lust.” It probably had something to do with watching too much television growing up, or maybe it was the fantasies of fictional literature that threw me off. Then again, the use of the word “lust” in religious traditions was more than likely the most misleading of all.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[18,31,32,39],"class_list":["post-15","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-balance","tag-jonathan-ellerby","tag-love","tag-relationships","tag-sexuality"],"yoast_head":"\nMisunderstanding Lust - Practical Spirituality<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/practicalspirituality\/2010\/07\/misunderstanding-lust.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Misunderstanding Lust - Practical Spirituality\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I guess I never really understood the word “lust.” It probably had something to do with watching too much television growing up, or maybe it was the fantasies of fictional literature that threw me off. 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