{"id":544,"date":"2015-01-30T14:05:18","date_gmt":"2015-01-30T14:05:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/parentingonpurpose\/?p=544"},"modified":"2015-01-30T14:05:18","modified_gmt":"2015-01-30T14:05:18","slug":"are-ultimatums-appropriate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/parentingonpurpose\/2015\/01\/are-ultimatums-appropriate.html","title":{"rendered":"Are Ultimatums Appropriate?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Bigstock<\/a>
Bigstock photos<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

You naturally want your kids to lead pleasurable, happy lives and have fun, but it\u2019s also important that kids recognize that getting their way every time they want something won\u2019t always happen. Whenever there\u2019s more than one person involved in a relationship or situation, there is the potential for either conflicting desires and also compromise.<\/p>\n

Conflicts and compromise are a normal part of relationships and conflicts can actually help kids to learn more about themselves. Conflicts can help children decide what\u2019s most important in their lives. Learning to compromise also helps them to consider what other people believe is important and can lead to seeing other\u2019s perspectives. This process allows your kids to grow and evolve in any relationship.<\/p>\n

You can teach your kids how to work through potential conflicts, so they become win-win situations by being willing to negotiate. It\u2019s a wonderful skill to have, whether in business relationships, friendships or in romantic ones.<\/p>\n

When a conflict arises between you and your children, at times you may be tempted to give them an ultimatum, a consequence of what will come if they don\u2019t do what is asked. Parents aren\u2019t the only ones who give ultimatums, but as a parent you can help your son or daughter to understand when it\u2019s appropriate and fair to issue one. As long as you are aware when the time is right to give a \u2018do it or else\u2019 type of command.<\/p>\n

It can be challenging when someone gives commands or assignments you don\u2019t agree with, especially if you feel you aren\u2019t in a position to ask for any concessions. As much as you might want to ignore it, you know there are going to be instances when you aren\u2019t able to.<\/p>\n

In your children\u2019s lives, there will be teachers, bosses, friends and even significant others who, at one time or another, will expect something that they may not want to give them.
\nGenerally, someone makes an ultimatum after repeated requests go unanswered or ignored and they become frustrated by the situation. This may be the why, but it shouldn\u2019t be the when.<\/p>\n

So when is it appropriate to give an ultimatum?<\/p>\n

~ After you\u2019ve cooled down and feel more in alignment.
\nTake a minute to breathe, calm down and clear your head, even if it means leaving the room.<\/p>\n

~ When you\u2019re able to hear your son or daughter\u2019s view point.
\nThis may mean listening to them before giving an ultimatum, and possibly changing your mind as a result. It also means listening to your children after you\u2019ve made your decision. They may have an idea about what appropriate consequences would be and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes your kids are harder on themselves than you are.<\/p>\n

~ When you have taken the time to weigh your options.
\nTap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) to help determine what feels right. You might be guided to give specific consequences or even to take a different tack with your children.<\/p>\n

~ If the consequences warrant it.
\nBy consequences, I mean the consequences of their actions, not your \u2018or else\u2019 punishment. For example, if they\u2019re acting in a reckless or dangerous way, you may choose to give an ultimatum even if this it is not a behavior that is normal for them.<\/p>\n

~ When you can clearly state your expectation and the consequences for not living up to this expectation.
\nMake certain your expectation is reasonable and that your children have the opportunity and ability to live up to it.<\/p>\n

While you may believe you\u2019ll never be in the position to give your kids an ultimatum, it happens, and it isn\u2019t inherently a negative thing. By being reasonable about requests and having the consequences be appropriate for the circumstances, you teach your children that their actions impact others as well, and justice can indeed be fair.<\/p>\n

Please feel free to comment.
\n\u00a9 2015. Sharon Ballantine. All Rights Reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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