{"id":495,"date":"2013-07-05T15:14:25","date_gmt":"2013-07-05T15:14:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/?p=495"},"modified":"2013-07-05T15:14:25","modified_gmt":"2013-07-05T15:14:25","slug":"chaos-gave-me-4-truths-and-a-path","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onfire\/2013\/07\/05\/chaos-gave-me-4-truths-and-a-path\/","title":{"rendered":"Chaos Gave Me 4 Truths and a Path"},"content":{"rendered":"

My elderly father succumbed to a stroke. Then bed bugs arrived in the house I just completed decorating. The creepy, blood-sucking insects infested again and again. Thirdly, a new friend turned postal\u2026frightening me with her behavior.\"1158306_surgery_2\"<\/a>My world teetered dangerously out of control.<\/p>\n

In the midst of chaos on multiple fronts, I faced realities I\u2019d successfully avoided:<\/p>\n

1) Life is short.<\/p>\n

2) I possess a calling. A dream deep in my soul that represents what I\u2019ve been created to do.<\/p>\n

3) I cannot maintain control of my life and<\/b> be led into my calling. Something has to give: Me as the Boss-in-control-maintaining-safety-and-order OR Me as a dreamer-called-out-one led by God into her true purpose. My calling is an invitation\u2014to a path, not plan.<\/p>\n

4) I\u2019m a planner. What can I do?<\/p>\n

Two years later I sat down and wrote a memoir recounting this time in my life. I depicted the struggle in my soul\u2014my contending with God\u2014as a screen play. Here is a section from Chapter Three, The Battle<\/i>:<\/p>\n

Play: Gloria\u2019s Divine Comedy<\/i><\/p>\n

Place: Cosmic Stage<\/p>\n

\n

ACT ONE<\/p>\n

SCENE SIX<\/p>\n

The curtain rises on a dimly lit stage. It is nighttime. GLORIA lies on a small\u00a0 bed in the middle of a living room. THE ALMIGHTY speaks from the rafters.<\/i><\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

I heard you saying, \u201cWhy is life so hard?\u201d<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry, God. Really. I know my life is a lot better than most people\u2019s lives. I could be begging on the streets of Calcutta or homeless in New York\u2014<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

[Interrupting.]<\/i> We\u2019re talking about the real you and your real life.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Yes, I\u2019m trying to be grateful for what I have.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Then let\u2019s start there. What do<\/i> you have? What do you have that\u2019s permanent, solid, for certain, now and forever\u2026Amen? What?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

[Gazes into the darkness, thinking.]<\/i><\/p>\n

Smiling people gather downstage center. They carry signs with the words, \u201cCareer, Retirement Fund, Family, Friends, House, Health.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

[Sigh.]<\/i> Forever?<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Yes. Forever.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

That\u2019s easy. Nothing<\/i> lasts forever.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Really, Gloria? Nothing?
\n<\/i><\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Well, YOU, of course.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

You\u2019re dodging the question.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

[Frustrated.]<\/i> I don\u2019t know what you want. This is depressing. Nothing<\/i> I pursue on a given day lasts forever. I get it. You\u2019ve made your point.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Dear one, that\u2019s not my point at all. I\u2019m asking you to acknowledge what you do<\/i> have that lasts forever. What has been there ever since you can remember and in your heart you know it will never end?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

[Hesitantly.]<\/i> Well, the only thing that\u2019s been there ever since I can remember is me<\/i>.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

And tell me how you see it\u2014are you going to come to an end? Will Gloria cease to exist one day?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think so. It\u2019s weird\u2014I have this sense I\u2019m going to live forever. That would be nice, anyway.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Now we\u2019re getting somewhere. It\u2019s you<\/i>, your soul\u2014with your heart at the center.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s<\/i> what you have, Gloria. [Jubilantly.] <\/i>Your heart and soul are the most wonderful parts of you. The parts that make me proud and happy.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Really.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Really.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

[Pondering]<\/i> So the hard stuff in life is meant to remind me nothing lasts except my heart and soul.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

[Silent. Waits.]<\/i><\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Fine.<\/i> I get this too, God. Nothing lasts. Thanks for the reminder. I guess I fool myself into thinking what I\u2019m doing down here matters somehow\u2026<\/p>\n

ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

YES\u2014a zillion times YES\u2014it does matter. You and the dream in your heart are critical. So much is at stake.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Excuse me, God, but what the heck could be lost or gained\u2014with my little dream?<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t you see? Your heart is where I<\/i> am, where we\u2019re conversing right now and where your dream lives.<\/p>\n

I connect with people in their heart. I change individuals, heal nations and evolve the planet via human hearts. Your dream is your part to play. It\u2019s your place in the action, your role in the battles I\u2019m waging to restore the earth. Can you see this?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Well\u2026now that you explain things, I see why I\u2019ve been so unhappy lately. I\u2019ve been focusing on making myself safe while you are trying to draw me into battle.<\/p>\n

Some type of cosmic fight for human hearts.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Well said, dear one, well said.<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

Huh. I guess that also answers my question, \u201cDo we want the same thing?\u201d On the one hand, I want you and the dream you\u2019ve given me, and, on the other hand, I don\u2019t. Part of me wants my life to be\u2026predictable\u2026under control\u2026my<\/i> control.<\/p>\n

I guess there\u2019s a war going on in me too.<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

What are the two sides?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

One side of me wants predictability and control. The other\u2026 [thinking]<\/i>\u2026the other wants to rise up, be courageous and jump into the hottest battle with you. I want to be the most love-filled, clear-minded, lion-hearted, awesome Gloria I can be.<\/p>\n

I see me slamming truthful words down on the page and getting it out there to every corner of the world. Swish, clang, ta da! Watch out, here I come\u2014God\u2019s warrior!<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Yeah!<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

[Soberly]<\/i> The problem is\u2026<\/p>\n

THE ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

Yes?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not often warrior-like. I\u2019ve got much more experience being on the sidelines. Cheering others on. I know things will work out in the end.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t see myself as needed on the front lines.<\/p>\n

ALMIGHTY<\/p>\n

What are you afraid of?<\/p>\n

GLORIA<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve already lost my mom and dad as my support system. I\u2019m losing the home I just completed furnishing.<\/p>\n

If I bolt in some new direction, I\u2019ll lose my career and business reputation I\u2019ve worked two decades to establish.<\/p>\n

My car is getting old.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll for sure lose the approval of my brothers and sisters. They\u2019ll think I\u2019m being irresponsible to pursue my calling. They\u2019ll advise me to wait until my retirement fund is stronger.<\/p>\n

No one will understand. Or wish me well.<\/p>\n

Bottom line? To start walking toward my dream feels like jumping off a cliff.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m truly sorry to disappoint you, God.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t do cliffs.<\/p>\n

\u2014Gloria Rose in Worth Living For: Tragedy, Comedy and the Battle for my God-given Dream<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n

– – – – –<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need me to tell you that fear <\/i>held me back. Kept me from pursuing my calling. It\u2019s pretty clear, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

But this scene is not the end of my story. It is only the beginning of me starting to release control and walking toward something better: Love. <\/i><\/p>\n

I ultimately decided to trust the love of God for me. Just a little. And take a step forward with Him leading me. Just one step.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m three years down the path. I trust more. Dream more. Do more of my calling.<\/p>\n

What about you?<\/p>\n

What holds you back?<\/p>\n

– – – – –<\/p>\n

photo credit: stock.xchng<\/p>\n

– – – – –<\/p>\n

Dear Reader, thank you for visiting ON FIRE. Your input–ideas, questions, are comments are treasured.<\/p>\n

Gloria<\/p>\n

gloria@gloriarose.com<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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