{"id":263,"date":"2012-09-12T12:01:17","date_gmt":"2012-09-12T12:01:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/?p=263"},"modified":"2012-09-12T12:35:59","modified_gmt":"2012-09-12T12:35:59","slug":"giving-your-gift-what-works-what-doesnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onfire\/2012\/09\/12\/giving-your-gift-what-works-what-doesnt\/","title":{"rendered":"Giving your Gift: What Works ~ what Doesn\u2019t"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/files\/2012\/09\/4670643523_65e07dccaeNA.dir@flickr.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-264\" title=\"4670643523_65e07dccaeNA.dir@flickr\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/332\/2012\/09\/4670643523_65e07dccaeNA.dir@flickr-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" \/><\/a>When it comes to being real and giving <a href=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/about-your-gift.html\">the Gift we&#8217;re here to give<\/a>, there are two tactics that don\u2019t work\u2014and two that <em>do<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Shame.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t work. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Growing up, shame was the tool of choice for adults\u2014parents, teachers, and clergy\u2014 who wanted something from someone, especially those beneath them. Not surprisingly, I learned to use it on myself: <em>You shouldn\u2019t, Why do you always, Good girls never, When are you ever going to, You are such a\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>But it doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 Shaming myself does not make me<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>exercise more often<\/li>\n<li>eat healthier<\/li>\n<li>stop destructive habits<\/li>\n<li>be more productive<\/li>\n<li>become successful, or<\/li>\n<li>be a better person.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Not even a little. Shame crushes me and keeps me down.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Pretending.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t work either.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cFake it \u2018till you make it,\u201d actually keeps me back. Every moment I<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>force myself to be friendlier or more outgoing than is natural for me<\/li>\n<li>pose as a good or spiritual person when I am completely self-absorbed<\/li>\n<li>say everything is OK when I am a basket case<\/li>\n<li>pretend to be conservative when I am actually liberal or undecided<\/li>\n<li>use the lingo of a certain group to fit in, or<\/li>\n<li>pretend to care when I don\u2019t<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>I lose ground.<\/p>\n<p>Why do I pretend?\u00a0 To be<\/p>\n<p>safe<\/p>\n<p>liked<\/p>\n<p>included and to<\/p>\n<p>avoid pain or punishment.<\/p>\n<p>However, like everyone else, I face<\/p>\n<p>danger<\/p>\n<p>ridicule<\/p>\n<p>exclusion and<\/p>\n<p>pain anyway.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sadly, pretending means I inhabit the earth as a counterfeit rather than a true reflection of who God made me to be<\/strong>. Thus, I can subtract moments of pretense from the total time I\u2019m allotted on earth:<\/p>\n<p>90 years of life given to me minus 50 years spent pretending to be something I\u2019m not<\/p>\n<p>=\u00a0\u00a0 40 years of real life left.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Encouragement. Works.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s precious little encouragement from others to be ourselves, recognize our talents and use them liberally. But it doesn\u2019t take much. We can go a long time on a cheering word from another. We can also help ourselves by being self-supportive.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/2012\/08\/16\/a-small-but-critical-turn-around\/\">When I miss a deadline, don\u2019t get to the gym, or see little progress on my goals, I\u2019m learning to be gentle and encouraging:<\/a><\/p>\n<p><em>It\u2019s OK, you are doing the best you can.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Perhaps this day was meant for rest. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>You flubbed but that\u2019s how you learn. You\u2019ll do better down the line. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Progress takes time\u2026and God\u2019s help. Trust\u2014that\u2019s the best thing you can do.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em>It easier to get back in the saddle when I encourage myself rather than shame myself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4.\u00a0 Humility.<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Humility is accepting myself and the life I\u2019ve been given, just as it is.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s being <em>me<\/em>\u2014no more, no less:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u00a0refusing to compare myself to another<\/li>\n<li>being grateful for the unique twists and turns of my journey<\/li>\n<li>treasuring my talents and developing them<\/li>\n<li>respecting others but not copying their lives, or trying to<\/li>\n<li>refusing the false gods of fame or notoriety<\/li>\n<li>speaking up and communicating my truth and<\/li>\n<li>helping heal whatever brokenness I can.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Works.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; &#8211;<\/p>\n<p>photo credit: <a href=\"http:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/nadircruise\/4670643523\/sizes\/m\/\">NA.dir<\/a> (creative commons)<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; &#8211; &#8211; &#8211; &#8211;<\/p>\n<p>Dear Reader: this is a new Beliefnet blog. I need your help to make it a success. Would you subscribe (see bar above on the right) plus share this post with a friend who may enjoy it? Also, I appreciate your comments.\u00a0 Thank you,<\/p>\n<p><em>Gloria Rose<\/em><em>, Life Coach<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em><a href=\"mailto:Gloria@gloriarose.com\">Gloria@gloriarose.com<\/a><\/em><em><\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>@gloriabethrose<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When it comes to being real and giving the Gift we&#8217;re here to give, there are two tactics that don\u2019t work\u2014and two that do. 1. Shame.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t work. Growing up, shame was the tool of choice for adults\u2014parents, teachers, and clergy\u2014 who wanted something from someone, especially those beneath them. Not surprisingly, I learned&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":493,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,15],"tags":[157,6,75,156,111,110,159,158],"class_list":["post-263","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-calling","category-conflict-obstacles","tag-encouragement","tag-gift","tag-humility","tag-pretending","tag-shame","tag-talent","tag-what-doesnt","tag-what-works"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Giving your Gift: What Works ~ what Doesn\u2019t - On Fire: Finding Your Gift And Using It<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onfire\/2012\/09\/12\/giving-your-gift-what-works-what-doesnt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Giving your Gift: What Works ~ what Doesn\u2019t - On Fire: Finding Your Gift And Using It\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When it comes to being real and giving the Gift we&#8217;re here to give, there are two tactics that don\u2019t work\u2014and two that do. 1. Shame.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t work. Growing up, shame was the tool of choice for adults\u2014parents, teachers, and clergy\u2014 who wanted something from someone, especially those beneath them. 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