{"id":187,"date":"2012-08-02T17:44:49","date_gmt":"2012-08-02T17:44:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onfire\/?p=187"},"modified":"2012-08-02T17:44:49","modified_gmt":"2012-08-02T17:44:49","slug":"from-cya-and-being-nice-to-truth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onfire\/2012\/08\/02\/from-cya-and-being-nice-to-truth\/","title":{"rendered":"From CYA and Being Nice\u2014to Truth"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Things could get ugly\u2014even violent\u2014growing up. My very-afraid-and-too-stressed-out-post-Great-Depression parents might yell or hit one of their six kids who neglected their chores or talked back like a \u201csmart alec.\u201d<\/p>\n

The result? I learned CYA.<\/p>\n

Watched my back\u2014always.<\/p>\n

Pleased my adult audience\u2014always.<\/p>\n

Hid out to<\/p>\n

Stay safe.<\/p>\n

My main life skill became ducking disapproval. When I graduated from high school and left home I unknowingly took my skill with me. I played it safe, walked the party line of my church, school, professors, authority figures of any ilk and wore the mask: you will never have a reason to think ill of me. <\/em><\/p>\n

People thought I was<\/p>\n

Nice.<\/p>\n

I hate that word. What is nice?<\/p>\n

Nondescript<\/p>\n

Vanilla<\/p>\n

Weak<\/p>\n

Blank<\/p>\n

Anonymous.<\/p>\n

Who wants to know a person who is nice? I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

As my life wore on, being nice, I<\/p>\n

Enslaved myself to making others’ lives succeed.<\/p>\n

Fooled myself into thinking I would be happy if I could make everyone else around me happy\u2014a false, impossible and life-killing goal.<\/p>\n

Avoided doing the inner work necessary to know who I really was.<\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t know or seek my purpose.<\/p>\n

When my life crashed down, I started to wake up, pay attention. The questions, Who am I?<\/em> and What am I here for?<\/em> rose up, grabbed my face and stared me in the eye demanding an answer.<\/p>\n

My quest began. And the fight\u2014no, the dangerous, frightening bloody war\u2014with \u201cnice\u201d began also.<\/p>\n

Now I was:<\/p>\n

Conflicted<\/p>\n

Confused<\/p>\n

Motivated and inspired at times<\/p>\n

Demotivated and depressed at other times.<\/p>\n

I wanted to be my true self and do what I was here to do. But I couldn\u2019t get any traction in reality.<\/p>\n

My rescue came in two forms:<\/p>\n

1) Continued crises.<\/strong> My kids on drugs. Divorce. Career chaos. Loss of friends, home and identity. Every few years I hit a wall. All I saw was fog. Now what?<\/p>\n

A new, slightly truer path would appear. I\u2019d walk on with an increased sense of urgency. I must find the truth and live it.<\/p>\n

2) God.<\/strong> Yep. Little by little.<\/p>\n

Drip by drip my brain started to awaken.<\/p>\n

I sensed I wasn\u2019t the only one in this battle. Another Force was at work\u2014leading, waiting for me to catch up, putting out signs, shielding me from some foes and setting me right smack dab down in front of others\u2014pain, grief, and disillusionment. Disappointment with friends, bosses, coworkers, church leaders, government, and family members. With myself.<\/p>\n

What could be done with such pain?<\/p>\n

Love.<\/p>\n

I needed love. Like a wilting daisy needs water, I needed love to carry on\u2014to live\u2014to be me.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t come all in one dose. More like drips:<\/p>\n

Peace followed my tears<\/p>\n

Answers followed questions<\/p>\n

Doors opened after others closed<\/p>\n

Interventions:<\/p>\n