{"id":921,"date":"2009-11-14T13:16:13","date_gmt":"2009-11-14T13:16:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onecity\/2009\/11\/what-would-sid-do-trust-and-forgiveness-in-buddhism.html"},"modified":"2009-11-14T13:16:13","modified_gmt":"2009-11-14T13:16:13","slug":"what-would-sid-do-trust-and-forgiveness-in-buddhism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/11\/what-would-sid-do-trust-and-forgiveness-in-buddhism.html","title":{"rendered":"What would Sid do: Trust and Forgiveness in Buddhism"},"content":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Lodro Rinzler<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

<\/i>Before Siddhartha Gautama attained enlightenment at age 35 he was a confused twenty and thirty-something looking to learn how to live a spiritual life. He had an overbearing dad, expectations for what he was supposed to\u00a0do<\/span>\u00a0with his life, drinks were flowing, lutes were playing, and the women were all about him. Some called him L.L. Cool S. I imagine close friends just referred to him as Sid.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Many people look to Siddhartha as an example of someone who attained nirvana, a buddha. But here we look at a younger\u00a0Sid<\/span>\u00a0as a confused guy struggling with his daily life. What would he do as a young person trying to find love, cheap drinks, and fun in a city like\u00a0New York<\/a>? How would he combine Buddhism and dating? We all make mistakes on our spiritual journey; here is where they’re discussed.<\/p>\n

Each week I’ll take on a new question and give some advice based on what I think Sid, a confused guy working on his spiritual life in a world of major distraction, would do. Because let’s face it, you and I are Sid.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Have a question for this weekly column? E-mail it\u00a0here<\/a>\u00a0and Lodro will probably get to it!
<\/i><\/b>
—————————————————————————————————————————————<\/span> <\/p>\n


<\/span><\/div>\n

\n<\/p>\n

I was recently engaged to a man that cheated on me.\u00a0
\nSince finding out about his bout with infidelity I left him.\u00a0 We just
\nrecently had a baby boy, soon to be four months. My love for him is
\nstrong.\u00a0 I consider myself to be a spiritual woman.\u00a0 I have no
\njudgment on him for his actions.\u00a0 However, he wants for me to give him
\nanother chance.\u00a0 He wants to be a better person and attempt to rebuild the
\nfamily.\u00a0Most of my friends tell me to stay gone,\u00a0however I’m not sure
\nof what to do. What would Sid do? – Shante D.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n


\n<\/span><\/div>\n


\n<\/p>\n

I am freshly back from a week in Halifax, Nova Scotia where
\nthe fourth Shambhala Congress took place. At the closing ceremonies Sakyong Mipham
\nRinpoche<\/a> empowered the latest acharya, or senior teacher, of Shambhala.
\nThis gentleman, Fleet
\nMaull<\/a>, was imprisoned for fourteen years on drug-related charges.<\/p>\n

When Fleet’s name was announced as the latest acharya the
\nroom rose in a standing ovation. Fleet is a source of inspiration. He went deep
\ninto his practice while in prison, even at times referring to it as a long
\nretreat. During that time he established the Prison Dharma Network and
\ncontinues to provide support for individuals who society has turned its back
\non. Fleet is an outstanding example of how we can all look at the mistakes we
\nmake in our lives as learning opportunities that push us down our paths and
\nultimately lead to us being of benefit to others.<\/p>\n

In order to become such a profound example though Fleet had
\nto start with acknowledging his mistake. On a similar note I am reminded of the
\nstory of Angulimal as I
\nrelated the other month<\/a>. This vicious killer saw the error of his ways and
\nwas transformed by the Buddha.<\/p>\n

What do Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche and the Buddha have in
\ncommon here? Their ability to see when someone has recognized his or her mistakes
\nand in turn offer forgiveness. They have learned to trust in our basic goodness. Personally speaking I have made any number of
\nmistakes on my path but have recognized them as such (sometimes with a bit of
\nprompting) and have generously received forgiveness from the Sakyong. As I open
\neach week’s post by stating, we all make mistakes on our spiritual journeys;
\nhere is where they’re discussed.<\/p>\n

So let’s discuss your fianc\u00e9. This is a man you are in love
\nwith, with whom you share a child, but who made a very serious mistake. Since I
\ndon’t know either of you personally I can only ask your opinion of this matter:
\ndo you think he realizes the effects of his actions and do you think he feels regret?<\/p>\n

In Vajrayana Buddhism there is a purification practice known
\nas Vajrasattva. However, I don’t think you need to be a Vajrayana practitioner
\nto engage the basic steps. I’ll try to adapt them to this situation. They are:\u00a0<\/p>\n

1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\n<\/span>The power of support – taking support in one another (or in the Vajrasattva practice, in the deity) through
\ngenuine communication.<\/p>\n

2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\n<\/span>The power of regret – he has to have a true feeling of remorse
\nfor all negative actions done in the past. That includes confessing what those
\nare with strong regret.<\/p>\n

3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\n<\/span>The power of resolution – remembering the mistakes that have
\nbeen made, he has to resolve never to commit them again. Doing so would be
\ntaking steps back on the path and is a sign that the regret was not genuine.<\/p>\n

4)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\n<\/span>The power of action as antidote – he can offset the negative
\nactions he has done in the past by producing positive ones now. Treating you
\nespecially well, cultivating a loving relationship with his son, and offering
\nhimself to his community are all potential ways to produce positive change.<\/p>\n

You do not need to be a Buddhist to follow these actions.
\nYou just have to be willing to look at your life and be willing to make a
\nchange. Change comes from truly looking at the effects our actions have had on
\nothers. If this cannot be explored in an open and honest way I doubt Sid would
\ntell you to just leap in.<\/p>\n

For your sake I would recommend taking a good look at your
\nrelationship and determining whether it is worth saving. When cheating occurs it is often symptomatic of other issues at play in a relationship. The act of infidelity is a heavy divider between two loving individuals. There is a long road
\nto returning to trust and before embarking on it you need to insure that both
\nof you are willing to do it.<\/p>\n

I imagine Sid would recommend taking a look inwards at your intention, your connection to one another, and your ability to trust and respect one another. However, based on Sid’s life experience I can’t imagine he would tell you to give up on your fianc\u00e9. I can’t imagine he’d say we should ever give up on anyone. Everyone has the ability to change and has the seeds for living a good life. Forgiveness though, that’s a long road to walk down and I wish you lots of luck on that journey.<\/p>\n

For more from Lodro on this topic check out this previous post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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