{"id":761,"date":"2009-08-20T16:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-08-20T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html"},"modified":"2009-08-20T16:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-08-20T16:00:00","slug":"hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html","title":{"rendered":"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong."},"content":{"rendered":"
Last week I didn’t post because my computer broke. \u00a0It’s fixed now. \u00a0I won’t go into details – talking about your computer breakdown\/revival is like telling someone your dream, extremely interesting for you, extremely boring for them.\u00a0<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
However last week, hot, gloomy and fitful with hysterics about my precious machine-baby lying inert atop my bedroom desk, I thought: I really don’t want to write some stupid post about how I get to work with my mind and its sense of expectations because my stupid computer broke. \u00a0I just want my stupid computer to work so that I can write, and if it doesn’t work, I just want to be upset about it. \u00a0Enough with the 45 layers of ‘how should I be feeling about this event’ rigmarole.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
That’s probably why I chose to avoid reading the assigned chapter in our Tonglen book dedicated to transforming adverse circumstances until an hour before class. \u00a0Oh how I wanted to suffer. \u00a0You know what I’m saying. \u00a0I wanted to listen to that Ryan Adams song about “stealing all my records.<\/a>” \u00a0I wanted to delve into my hidden memory banks and review every single shameful moment from four years old on just to feel that blush of pain. \u00a0I wanted to overanalyze every recent conversation I’d had with anyone and see why I was a jerk. \u00a0I wanted to think about all the dumb things I did for romance when I was younger, a subject always best left to fizzle into oblivion. \u00a0You know that Buddhist dart teaching? \u00a0How there’s the first dart of the painful experience? \u00a0And then we throw more darts, and those darts are the suffering? \u00a0I wanted the World Championship of Darts to take place in my bedroom.\u00a0<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
What I mean is only that I was wallowing. \u00a0Which, Buddhist or not, most everyone knows is lame. \u00a0But in my mind I was like, “whatEVER. \u00a0What is the problem! I just want to mope for a bit. \u00a0It doesn’t hurt anyone!”<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Except it kind of did.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I ate worse, drank more, smoked more, and kept weird hours. \u00a0Wonder of wonders, now I’m sick. \u00a0I was insecure, obtuse, and unrealistically demanding with my boyfriend, and wonder of wonders he felt abandoned by his partner who had sent Zelda Fitzgerald in as her replacement. \u00a0I was sulky and irritable with my mother and father who wonder of wonders felt unreasonably attacked. \u00a0You know, it would be one thing if I didn’t care. \u00a0But the truth is that I spent the entire time wracked with guilt about how I was acting, how I was feeling, etc. etc. etc. \u00a0My meditation sessions turned into “meditations on why you can’t have a better attitude about life, Julia, p.s. you should be doing more work you are lazy” sessions. \u00a0<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Even our Lojong reading got tinted by my blues. \u00a0I thought, arghhh these slogans. \u00a0They’re so unsubtle! \u00a0I can’t work with these! \u00a0First I’ve got to get my shamatha in order, then I’ve really got to have a better relationship with vipashana, then I’ve got to get my loving kindness into practice and then (maybe) these pithy slogans can help me. \u00a0Right now, saying over and over to myself, “turn all adversity into the path of the bodhi” makes me feel like a goth teenager whose parents keep pressing them to try out for the cheerleading squad. \u00a0Blech.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Then what always happens happened. \u00a0I dragged my feet to class. \u00a0We talked through the slogans. \u00a0We talked about how commentaries on the Lojong slogans<\/a> render the slogans more specific. \u00a0I marveled at my fellow classmates and their intelligence, optimism and dedication to the teachings. \u00a0I realized that the teachings don’t work without that degree of dedication. \u00a0I’m fiercely analytical, and upon first glance, could find a hole in anything, including the dharma. \u00a0The amazing thing about Buddhism to me, however, is that if you stay with analysis, if you have the faith to stay with the analysis, you tend to find a truth that lies deeper than any hole you could burrow.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
The Lojong slogans about transforming adversity teach you how to take responsibility for yourself in relationship to the world. \u00a0That can seem like such a daunting task. \u00a0It seems like a rising to the challenge instead of a surrendering to experience. \u00a0In actuality, though, it’s both – because real surrender means truly realizing that you cannot control the world – you can only work with your perspective. \u00a0And that surrender gives you the energy to rise to the experience – to be grateful to everyone, to drive all blames into one, to transform all mishaps into the path of awakening.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I’ve been thinking about that a good deal recently: about how practicing Buddhism rests on this weird wager you make with yourself. \u00a0It’s like you have to put all your chips onto letting go in order to rake in that windhorse of energetic joy. \u00a0You got to go all in on acceptance to score pure and blissful motivation. \u00a0You gamble with the void to win pure possibility. \u00a0You trust the odds. \u00a0You have faith.\u00a0<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I’m obsessed with Mary Oliver these days, so I’ll leave you with the last bit of her poem, “Mockingbirds.”\u00a0<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Wherever it was?<\/div>\n
I was supposed to be?<\/div>\n
this morning–?<\/div>\n
whatever it was I said?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I would be doing–?<\/div>\n
I was standing?<\/div>\n
at the edge of the field–?<\/div>\n
I was hurrying??<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
through my own soul,?<\/div>\n
opening its dark doors–?<\/div>\n
I was leaning out;?<\/div>\n
I was listening.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last week I didn’t post because my computer broke. \u00a0It’s fixed now. \u00a0I won’t go into details – talking about your computer breakdown\/revival is like telling someone your dream, extremely interesting for you, extremely boring for them.\u00a0 However last week, hot, gloomy and fitful with hysterics about my precious machine-baby lying inert atop my bedroom…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":190,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-761","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hardcore-dharma"],"yoast_head":"\nHardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong. - One City<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong. - One City\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Last week I didn’t post because my computer broke. \u00a0It’s fixed now. \u00a0I won’t go into details – talking about your computer breakdown\/revival is like telling someone your dream, extremely interesting for you, extremely boring for them.\u00a0 However last week, hot, gloomy and fitful with hysterics about my precious machine-baby lying inert atop my bedroom…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"One City\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-08-20T16:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Julia May Jonas\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong. - One City","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong. - One City","og_description":"Last week I didn’t post because my computer broke. \u00a0It’s fixed now. \u00a0I won’t go into details – talking about your computer breakdown\/revival is like telling someone your dream, extremely interesting for you, extremely boring for them.\u00a0 However last week, hot, gloomy and fitful with hysterics about my precious machine-baby lying inert atop my bedroom…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html","og_site_name":"One City","article_published_time":"2009-08-20T16:00:00+00:00","author":"Julia May Jonas","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html","name":"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong. - One City","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/#website"},"datePublished":"2009-08-20T16:00:00+00:00","dateModified":"2009-08-20T16:00:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/#\/schema\/person\/7f24a73cd2ce9fe635a7cf8c04033177"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/08\/hardcore-dharma-gambling-on-happiness-betting-with-lojong.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Hardcore Dharma: Gambling on Happiness, Betting With Lojong."}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/","name":"One City","description":"The Interdependence Project","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/#\/schema\/person\/7f24a73cd2ce9fe635a7cf8c04033177","name":"Julia May Jonas","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/375\/375c23324f312a347b8095c58e578883x96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/375\/375c23324f312a347b8095c58e578883x96.jpg","caption":"Julia May Jonas"},"description":"Julia May Jonas writes, directs and performs throughout New York City and the world wide web under the auspices of her company, Nellie Tinder. Nellie Tinder is Art. Appropriate & Instructive.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/author\/jjonas"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/761","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/190"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=761"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/761\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=761"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=761"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=761"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}