{"id":469,"date":"2009-03-05T15:47:28","date_gmt":"2009-03-05T15:47:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onecity\/2009\/03\/hardcore-dharma-is-mad-as-hell-and-yet-resigns-itself-to-taking-it-more.html"},"modified":"2009-03-05T15:47:28","modified_gmt":"2009-03-05T15:47:28","slug":"hardcore-dharma-is-mad-as-hell-and-yet-resigns-itself-to-taking-it-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/03\/hardcore-dharma-is-mad-as-hell-and-yet-resigns-itself-to-taking-it-more.html","title":{"rendered":"Hardcore Dharma is mad as hell and yet resigns itself to taking it more."},"content":{"rendered":"

Lately I\u2019ve been feeling kind of crazy mad.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at my roommate, at my parents, at everyone in a five foot radius of me at my job. I\u2019m semi-annoyed at this friend\u00a0 (how come you never write on MY facebook wall?) I\u2019m irritated at my wardrobe.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at the fact that today I wore black pants and a fitted burgundy shirt only to realize when I got to work I was dressed exactly like Patrick Stewart<\/a>\u00a0in Star Trek.\u00a0 Truthfully, if I\u2019ve met you in the last four days there\u2019s a good chance I\u2019m mad at you (not you, Christine, you\u2019re great, lunch was a pleasure).\u00a0 Of course I\u2019m mostly mad at myself for feeling so mad.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been meditating a full hour a day because I\u2019ve been so mad and it seems only to intensify my madness.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at the slippy icy streets, I\u2019m mad at my landlords for screaming in Italian.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at garbage, my ipod nano and Brooklyn.\u00a0 In general.
\n
\nSome of it could be these last dribs of icy winter squeezing the stoic endurance of a scarf and coat that now permanently smell like french-fries out of me.\u00a0 But it\u2019s also something else.\u00a0 It\u2019s not circumstantial, I\u2019ve had some great news in the past couple of days, I\u2019m in a wonderful relationship and on and off paper TF\u2019s life is on the up and up.\u00a0 Also let me clarify that it\u2019s not direct anger, and perhaps it isn\u2019t even anger after all, it\u2019s more a feeling of intense irritation \u2013 a feeling that my skin is a couple layers too thin \u2013 an itchy feeling, like an overdressed kid strapped in a stroller, like the tugging sting of a bug bite that no fingernail \u201cX\u201d can subdue.\u00a0\u00a0 And every time I feel like this, I get a little mad at Buddhism, for all its abhidharmic wisdom, to not have papyrus sheets addressing how I feel.\u00a0 Because I, as much as I\u2019m experiencing an inward controversy saying so, I know what this feeling is.\u00a0 In fact, the more mindful I become, the more I\u2019m aware of it.
\nIt\u2019s hormones.
\nYes it is.\u00a0 I\u2019m one moody bitch because the inner mechanics of my very predictable lady body have decided to once again, obey the mandates of a lunar cycle.\u00a0
\nListen, I\u2019m no Cathy<\/a>.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like chocolates, romantic comedies (although if you do that\u2019s fine) or lambasting the male species in general.\u00a0 I\u2019m woman enough to like the six hour BBC Pride and Prejudice<\/em> and to not find misogynist comedians funny, but since middle school I\u2019ve had a knee-jerk averse reaction when I hear a woman complaining about cycles, cramps, moodiness, PMS, etc.\u00a0 Definitely I believe in mood management, regardless of fluctuating emotions, and, madness aside, I haven\u2019t really taken anything out on anyone. (Well, except for my roommate, because sharing space draws out irritation like Barbara Walters draws out romantic details.)\u00a0 It isn\u2019t that I\u2019m acting on my body\u2019s weirdness, it\u2019s more that I\u2019m watching it.\u00a0 And from a Buddhist standpoint, it\u2019s kind of mystifying.
\nA google search of Buddhism and hormones (which I\u2019ve been doing periodically for a couple of years now) turns up nothing awesome.\u00a0 Recent writings of women in Buddhism are generally justifications of why women are exactly the same Buddhists as men.\u00a0 It\u2019s tricky, of course, with the whole \u201clow born\u201d deal.\u00a0 But I really think there\u2019s some specificity of female-ness missing from otherwise incredibly specific and comprehensive teachings.\u00a0 Of course I\u2019m not overly experienced \u2013 I only know that a Buddhist talk on sex tends to be so male-oriented that I get nothing out of it.\u00a0 I\u2019m always reticent to mention specifically female issues because of the fear of getting categorized as a make-a-division-where-there-is-no-division whiner.\u00a0 But there\u2019s something about the predictable via calendar shifts that happen in my body that very much affect the way I deal emotionally and make me think specific instruction could be useful.\u00a0 Also maybe men cycle through moods as well (?)
\nOf course emotion fluctuation is addressed by the teachings of the Buddha.\u00a0 Like any form of suffering (we know, from the third reminder, that Samsara is an ocean of suffering) it\u2019s a matter of being mindful, of watching, of not adding any object or narrative to the experience.\u00a0 But when I\u2019m meditating more frequently, like I am these days, with hormonal shifts I can really notice\u00a0a specific physical rise of\u00a0bodily agitation\u00a0and an increased proclivity towards anger and aggression.\u00a0 Honestly, if I wasn\u2019t meditating I think I would believe the \u201cobjects\u201d of my irritation were its actual causes.\u00a0 With mindfulness, however, it seems in these times that emotional states arise independently.\u00a0 The irritation feels as though it comes from chemical reactions, and, like a bad headache can mar clear-thinking, the effects on my personality sometimes don\u2019t seem so Buddhist.
\nWhat to do, what to do?\u00a0 When these feelings start to rise, I envy Tenzin Palmo\u2019s cave<\/a>.\u00a0 I feel like I need a time out.\u00a0 Additionally, in the spirit of co-emergence, these times when I am extra sensitive also feel like an excellent opportunity to develop wisdom, if I could get it together enough to plan an amp-clay on the imuli-stay.\u00a0 Sometimes, however, that\u2019s simply not possible in the layperson\u2019s life.\u00a0 I have people who need me, tasks that require finishing, a belly that needs to be filled semi-regularly and a bedroom that\u2019s not getting any cleaner.
\nLast week Hardcore Dharma, continuing our examination of Lojong (Mind Training) slogans, discussed and practiced Tonglen.\u00a0 Tonglen is a meditation practice of sending and taking.\u00a0 You breathe in all the junk, and you breathe out light and space.\u00a0 There were a handful of people in class who mentioned that Tonglen didn\u2019t do much for them \u2013 that they couldn\u2019t generate feeling.\u00a0 Sensorially I find doing Tonglen with myself as the object is an extremely effective antidote \u2013 on the inhale I imagine blowing on the hot burning coal of confusion in my center and on the exhale I let the intensity disperse.\u00a0 Doing it for other people is more difficult.\u00a0 Practicing this week a co-worker nemesis (a definite source of annoyance during moody times) popped into my brain.\u00a0 Without going into detail, as I was taking in her suffering, I could feel how every quality I really didn\u2019t \u2018like\u2019 about her was resulting from the same kind of suffering that I feel when I\u2019m irritable.\u00a0 It was that sensitive, feet-too-cold hands-too-hot, under-hydrated over-sodium-ed crushing kind of feeling. For a moment I was disappointed in myself for my previous lack of awareness, but then compassionately breathing space and light towards her I \u2013 well, I simply felt better<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0
\nPer Ethan\u2019s instructions, in my jacket pocket there\u2019s a slip of paper with the Lojong slogan: \u201cWhen the World is Filled With Evil, Transform All Mishaps Into the Path of Bodhi.\u201d\u00a0 Whether or not my irritability ever permanently subsides, the only hope is that every emotional state I encounter becomes a workable method to get closer to compassion and love for all the sentient beings.\u00a0 Because although it may take a lot of fish-wrestling to get there, when I\u2019m really able to calm my mind and develop insight I\u2019m able to realize, in the immortal words of Tupac \u2013 that the interdependent being I call I \u2013 ain\u2019t (really) mad at cha.
\nhttp:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=krxu9_dRUwQ<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lately I\u2019ve been feeling kind of crazy mad.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at my roommate, at my parents, at everyone in a five foot radius of me at my job. I\u2019m semi-annoyed at this friend\u00a0 (how come you never write on MY facebook wall?) I\u2019m irritated at my wardrobe.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at the fact that today I…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":190,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-arts-and-media"],"yoast_head":"\nHardcore Dharma is mad as hell and yet resigns itself to taking it more. - One City<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/03\/hardcore-dharma-is-mad-as-hell-and-yet-resigns-itself-to-taking-it-more.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hardcore Dharma is mad as hell and yet resigns itself to taking it more. - One City\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Lately I\u2019ve been feeling kind of crazy mad.\u00a0 I\u2019m mad at my roommate, at my parents, at everyone in a five foot radius of me at my job. 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