{"id":450,"date":"2009-02-24T09:00:38","date_gmt":"2009-02-24T09:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/onecity\/2009\/02\/sometimes-i-get-upset-when-things-are-new-or-different.html"},"modified":"2009-02-24T09:00:38","modified_gmt":"2009-02-24T09:00:38","slug":"sometimes-i-get-upset-when-things-are-new-or-different","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/02\/sometimes-i-get-upset-when-things-are-new-or-different.html","title":{"rendered":"Sometimes I Get Upset When Things Are New Or Different"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes I get upset when things are new or different.<\/em><\/p>\n

I look like this when I get upset\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

When I feel upset I can say, \u201cI need a break.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

When I take a break I need to be calm.<\/em><\/p>\n

I will feel happy when I am calm\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

These are lines from a story that we read to ten-year-old \u201cDaniel,\u201d one of the children with autism in my class. I share this with you because of a momentous event that occurred at work. I\u2019m trying not to get too<\/em> excited about it or let it go to my head, but it\u2019s just so damn awesome that I have to share it with you, and I think it has a lot to do with self awareness.<\/p>\n

\n

Last week when Daniel got upset, he asked to go take a break all on his own.<\/p>\n

\n

This may not seem like a big deal, but for Daniel, his teachers, and his family, it\u2019s huge.<\/p>\n

As the story goes, Daniel has a really hard time adjusting to unfamiliar situations or circumstances that aren\u2019t unfolding the way he wanted them to and as a result he has a tantrum.<\/p>\n

\n

According to the Encyclopedia of Children\u2019s Health, a tantrum is an episode of extreme anger and frustration characterized by crying, screaming, and violent body motions, including throwing things, falling to the floor, and banging one’s head, hands, and feet against the floor.<\/em><\/p>\n

Think about when you are meditating and a thought comes up. What we do (or try to do) is acknowledge it and let it go and come back to the breath, right? Well, what if you didn\u2019t know HOW to let it go? What if it just kept looping in your head constantly and you couldn\u2019t come back from it? This is how I think of Daniel’s tantrums.<\/p>\n

\n

For instance…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

…if Daniel has a cheese sandwich for lunch when he thought he was going to get chicken, this can set off a tantrum. If a door is closed but he decides he wants it to be open\u2026tantrum. There\u2019s a sticker on his desk on the left side and he wants it to be on the right side\u2026tantrum. Sometimes there is no obvious cause \u2013 he just gets upset. Sometimes he is able to calm himself down, but often it becomes a cycle that turns into a tantrum. These tantrums consist of high pitched whining, crying, vocalizing randomly, thrashing around violently, destroying objects in his path, being totally out of control.<\/p>\n

\n

When he has a tantrum, we follow a very specific procedure to get Daniel calm and out of the tantrum. He is given the direction, \u201cGo take a break.\u201d A break<\/em> is not the same as a time-out<\/em>, because it is not a punishment. The break room is a small, quiet room with only a single chair in it for Daniel to calm himself down so that he can return to class. He sits in the chair for as long as he needs to in order for him to regain his composure and be able to respond to directions.<\/p>\n

\n

The problem with this system is that Daniel only goes to take a break when told to do so. If we didn\u2019t tell him, his level of aggression would escalate and he\u2019d wind up getting even more upset. Never before has he made the connection between being upset and taking a break to calm down. Ideally we would like to teach him to go take a break all on his own before he has a tantrum, at the onset of anger or frustration. The goal of the work we do at this school is to help these kids be as self-sufficient as possible down the line, and obviously having a violent tantrum over an opened drawer or the wrong kind of food is not going to help anyone be independent.<\/p>\n

\n

There\u2019s a level of self awareness that Daniel and many autistic children do not have, that a person without autism takes for granted. You and I can identify when we are angry or pissed off or frustrated and can come up with ways to self soothe. For a child like Daniel, the skill must be taught and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced some more.<\/p>\n

\n

This disparity bothered me so much that I decided to experiment with something.<\/p>\n

\n

It was risky. There was the possibility that if misunderstood it would just make the tantrum worse, but I wanted to try. The next time Daniel had a tantrum, instead of immediately telling him to go take a break, I began to recite lines from the story we read him every morning, which he has memorized by now.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cDaniel,\u201d I said, careful not to be within reach of his swinging arms, \u201cYou are upset. When you\u2019re upset you can say\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cI need a break,\u201d Daniel filled in the last line in between some whines and tears.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cOh, you said you need a break, okay, let\u2019s go take a break.\u201d I pointed Daniel to the break room.<\/p>\n

\n

I continued to practice this with Daniel every day that week that he had a tantrum. Instead of just telling him right away to go take a break, I let him be more active in the process.<\/p>\n

\n

Last Friday, I saw another teacher, Mary, working with Daniel. She was trying to teach him how to blow his nose, which is something that frequently annoys Daniel and incites tantrums because it is so in-your-face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Daniel start to get upset \u2013 his body rocking began, his face was contorting into that anxious look, his voice started to get whiny. Suddenly he put his hands down and made beautiful eye contact with Mary and told her:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cI need a break!\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Mary was so startled, I think, she said sort of flabbergasted, \u201cOh\u2026oh, yes, okay, Daniel, go ahead, take a break.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

As the two walked past me on the way to the break room I asked, \u201cDid he just say what I think he said?\u201d Mary nodded emphatically.<\/p>\n

\n

There was a moment of clarity for Daniel. I swear I saw it in his face when he looked up at Mary. Something inside him realized\u2026this is what it means to be upset. What do I do when I am upset? Oh, I remember, I go take a break. I guess I should tell someone. Mary is right here, I\u2019ll tell her. <\/em>This was the happiest moment of my teaching career. It will probably take much practice to get the connection to be more consistent, but at least we know that he\u2019s capable of it. It\u2019s amazing.<\/p>\n

\n

Like Daniel, everyone has certain things that are triggers for them. Seeing Daniel\u2019s struggle with this has made me super aware of how I deal with \u201ctantrum\u201d situations in my own life:<\/p>\n

\n

What do I get upset about?<\/em><\/p>\n

My triggers often have to do with feeling overwhelmed, like I just can\u2019t deal with everything.<\/p>\n

\n

How do I calm myself down? What does my \u201cbreak\u201d look like?<\/em><\/p>\n

I phone a friend, watch a funny movie, take a hot bath or shower, take a walk, listen to music.<\/p>\n

\n

How do I tell people I need to take a break?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI need to go relax for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to lay low tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to go home and chill out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need some down time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m tired, I\u2019m going to go home and rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me, I\u2019ll be back in a few minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, it\u2019s Emily\u2026Do you have time to talk? I\u2019m just having a hard time today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

I don\u2019t like to use meditation as my \u201cbreak.\u201d I don\u2019t want to associate the cushion with feelings of stress. If I\u2019m stressed when I meditate, fine, but for me personally I think it\u2019s not the place for me to go to immediately. I think pairing one of my other self-soothers with a session of sitting later on is a good thing for me to do, but it\u2019s not where I\u2019ll immediately go.<\/p>\n

\n

What are your triggers? What does your \u201cbreak\u201d look like? How do you tell people you need to take a break?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes I get upset when things are new or different. I look like this when I get upset\u2026 When I feel upset I can say, \u201cI need a break.\u201d When I take a break I need to be calm. I will feel happy when I am calm\u2026 These are lines from a story that we…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":189,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-450","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-arts-and-media"],"yoast_head":"\nSometimes I Get Upset When Things Are New Or Different - One City<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/2009\/02\/sometimes-i-get-upset-when-things-are-new-or-different.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sometimes I Get Upset When Things Are New Or Different - One City\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Sometimes I get upset when things are new or different. 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She is a freelance writer for the Women\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s International Perspective, and her writing has been published in Sentient City, the ID Project\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s online literary magazine. Emily is also a playwright and winner of the Young Playwrights Inc. National Playwrighting Competition for her one-act play \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Assemblage.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Her writing is influenced by art, artists, psychology, and spirituality. She has run drama and arts workshops in schools in NYC and Long Island, and teaches children with autism. Emily is working on her M.F.A. in Creative Nonfiction at Columbia University School of the Arts. Emily has been attending classes and workshops at the ID Project since 2005.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/author\/eherzlin"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/450","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/189"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=450"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/450\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=450"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=450"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/onecity\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=450"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}