{"id":646,"date":"2010-12-03T07:16:02","date_gmt":"2010-12-03T07:16:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/omeoflittlefaith\/2010\/12\/trudy-morgan-cole-the-squirmin-herman-of-doubt.html"},"modified":"2010-12-03T07:16:02","modified_gmt":"2010-12-03T07:16:02","slug":"trudy-morgan-cole-the-squirmin-herman-of-doubt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/omeoflittlefaith\/2010\/12\/trudy-morgan-cole-the-squirmin-herman-of-doubt.html","title":{"rendered":"Trudy Morgan-Cole: The Squirmin’ Herman of Doubt"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"trudymorgancole.jpg\"<\/span>I’m not sure where<\/b> Trudy Morgan-Cole and I first got in touch — probably through Twitter<\/a> — but it didn’t take long for me to realize she was funny and honest and a kindred spirit. Trudy is a novelist who writes historical fiction, mainly about biblical women. Her books include Esther: A Story of Courage<\/a>, Lydia: A Story of Philippi<\/a>,<\/i> and By the Rivers of Brooklyn<\/i><\/a>.<\/p>\n

She lives in Newfoundland, used to teach high school, and has a master’s degree in counseling psychology. She grew up in the doubt-unfriendly Seventh-Day Adventist<\/a> tradition, but despite her questions, still attends the same church her parents took her to when she was a child. I can totally appreciate that.<\/p>\n

I think you’ll enjoy her heartfelt, honest, and funny contribution to the “Voices of Doubt<\/a>” series. <\/p>\n

————-<\/p>\n

I was seven,<\/b> raised on miraculous Bible stories and missionary stories, and I craved proof of
\nGod’s existence. I prayed earnestly before bed that if God was real, He would turn my red
\nSquirmin’ Herman toy yellow overnight. (Space does not permit me to explain Squirmin’ Herman
\n… you’ll have to Google it. Essentially it was a strip of plush fur with eyes. I had no reason for
\npreferring a yellow Herman; it was a pure test of Divine Omnipotence).<\/p>\n

I remember the knot in my stomach as I awoke, the mingled fear and eagerness with which I
\npeered over the foot of the bed to see Squirmin’ Herman where I had laid him, flat out ready
\nfor God like Gideon’s fleece. I teetered on the edge of faith and doubt, the possibility of the
\nnuminous flooding my pink bedroom, till I saw the edge of Squirmin’ Herman. Still red.<\/p>\n

I convinced myself that this was a frivolous prayer, that unlike Gideon’s fleece, Squirmin’
\nHerman did not merit divine attention. God was off the hook, but the seed of doubt was planted.<\/p>\n

For the next thirty years, faith and doubt hovered, one on either shoulder. I believed God
\nanswered prayer, but wondered why prayers for healing or protection sometimes went
\nunanswered. I believed Jesus was coming soon, but wondered why the Cold War was a clear
\nsign of His impending arrival when the Black Death or the Holocaust hadn’t been enough to
\nentice Him down here. I became an expert at quoting proof-texts, but wondered what use those
\nwere in talking to people who weren’t convinced of the Bible’s authority.<\/p>\n

Faith and doubt are uneasy companions for any young believer, but I found them particularly
\ndifficult as a Seventh-day Adventist. Most conservative Christians believe that they have the
\ntruth, but few express that idea with the same unshakeable conviction we Adventists do. Among
\nolder Adventists, “The Truth” is sometimes used as shorthand for “the Seventh-day Adventist
\nchurch” (as in: “I came into The Truth during an evangelistic crusade back in ’78,” or “I’ve been
\nin The Truth for forty years, praise the Lord.”)<\/p>\n

Adventism is an odd mix<\/b> of fundamentalist fervor and intellectual analysis. We place a huge
\nvalue on higher education; we entice converts into “The Truth” with not with hellfire sermons
\n(we don’t believe in hell), but with detailed exposition of the 2300-day prophecy of Daniel 8<\/a>
\n(complete with charts). Adventists are expected to be well-read, Biblically literate, and able to
\nargue fellow Christians into submission or exhaustion on subjects such as Sabbath-keeping or
\nthe state of the dead.<\/p>\n

But along with this cerebral faith comes an assumption, one shared by many Christians, that
\nthere are barriers intellectual curiosity should not cross. Ask questions, search the Scriptures
\nfor answers – but don’t ask too many questions about the Scriptures themselves. Don’t search
\ntoo widely for answers, lest you stumble over ideas that will cause you to doubt. Doubt is
\nnot, perhaps, the unpardonable sin, but it’s one of the last things you’d want to admit to in an
\nAdventist Bible study. It’s almost as bad as smoking.<\/p>\n

During my years attending a church college and teaching in church schools, I sought certainties
\nto buoy my faith and avoided questions that might capsize it. Then I took a break from teaching
\nto devote my attention to child-raising. Some days One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish<\/i><\/a>
\ndidn’t provide quite enough intellectual stimulation, but fortunately the internet had been invented just in time for me to waste hours on it.<\/p>\n

Faceless strangers in online discussions challenged me with questions I wouldn’t have been
\nwilling to raise at church. An atheist mocked me – justifiably – when I confessed I was “afraid” to
\nread a particular book because it might shake my faith. “What kind of faith can be destroyed by
\nexposure to new ideas?” he asked.<\/p>\n

I began asking the questions<\/b> that troubled me most; I devoured the books I’d been scared to
\nread. I didn’t stop believing in God, but I began to question how well I knew Him.<\/p>\n

One day, on one of those discussion boards, someone raised a concept that blew my mind.
\nIt had a fancy theological term and a quote from a famous theologian to back it up, and
\nunfortunately I can’t remember what either of those were. All I remember was the gist of this
\nradical idea: It’s OK not to know all the answers to everything<\/i>.<\/p>\n

I realize most people already get this, but for me it was huge. That little ship of faith that was in
\nconstant danger of being swamped by doubt – I’d sailed as if I were responsible to patch every
\nhole, mend every rip in the sails. I’d thought I had to construct a watertight faith using only the
\nmaterials available to me. Now I considered the possibility that I was, in fact, being carried all
\nalong, that grace could cover not just my sin but also my doubt.<\/p>\n

That guy in the Bible<\/a> who, when Jesus challenged his faith, replied, “I believe, help Thou my
\nunbelief!” is my patron saint. I believe, and I don’t. I have faith, and I doubt. Squirmin’ Herman
\nremains red despite an omnipotent God. I’m learning to live with that.<\/p>\n

————-<\/p>\n

Thank you, Trudy. <\/b>Keep up with Trudy Morgan-Cole by following her on Twitter<\/a> or at her blog, hypergraffiti<\/a>. You can find out a lot more about her novels here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Previous posts in the “Voices of Doubt” series…<\/b><\/p>\n

\u2022 David Sessions: The Hard Work of Faith<\/a>
\u2022 Dean Nelson: Test Everything<\/a>
\u2022 Carlene Bauer: Prodigal Daughter<\/a>
\u2022 Larry Shallenberger: The Knight and the Fortune Cookie<\/a>
\u2022 David Dark on Sacred Questioning<\/a>
\u2022 Cara Davis: A Textbook Case<\/a>
\u2022 Matthew Paul Turner: Letting Them See My Doubt<\/a>
\u2022 Sally Lloyd-Jones: Where Did You Put Your Faith?<\/a>
\u2022 Chad Gibbs: When It Doesn’t Seem Fair<\/a>
\u2022 Leeana Tankersley: The Swirling Waters<\/a>
\u2022 Robert Cargill: The Skeptic in the Sanctuary<\/a>
\u2022 Dana Ellis: Haunted by Questions<\/a>
\u2022 Rachel Held Evans on Works-Based Salvation<\/a>
\u2022 Winn Collier: Doubt Better<\/a>
\u2022 Tyler Clark on Losing Fear, Losing Faith<\/a>
\u2022 Rob Stennett on the Genesis of Doubt<\/a>
\u2022 Adam Ellis on Hoping That It’s True<\/a>
\u2022 Nicole Wick on Breaking Up with God<\/a>
\u2022 Anna Broadway on Doubt and Marriage<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m not sure where Trudy Morgan-Cole and I first got in touch — probably through Twitter — but it didn’t take long for me to realize she was funny and honest and a kindred spirit. Trudy is a novelist who writes historical fiction, mainly about biblical women. 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