{"id":613,"date":"2010-10-08T06:31:23","date_gmt":"2010-10-08T06:31:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/omeoflittlefaith\/2010\/10\/matthew-paul-turner-letting-them-see.html"},"modified":"2010-10-08T06:31:23","modified_gmt":"2010-10-08T06:31:23","slug":"matthew-paul-turner-letting-them-see","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/omeoflittlefaith\/2010\/10\/matthew-paul-turner-letting-them-see.html","title":{"rendered":"Matthew Paul Turner: Letting Them See My Doubt"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"turner-190x286.jpg\"<\/form>\n

Matthew Paul Turner <\/b>and I became acquainted pretty soon after he published The Christian Culture Survival Guide<\/i><\/a> (complete with a foreword from Stephen Baldwin) and I came out with Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse<\/i><\/a>. Both books were published by Relevant. Both turned a snarky eye toward Christian culture. Both of us have receding hairlines.<\/p>\n

Clearly we needed to become friends, so we did. He’s gone on to write several other books, including Churched: One Kid’s Journey Toward God Despite a Holy Mess<\/a><\/i> and Hear No Evil: My Story of Innocence, Music, and the Holy Ghost<\/i><\/a>.<\/p>\n

We tackle different subjects with our blogging and writing, but he’s definitely a kindred spirit. I’m thrilled he agreed to write a “Voices of Doubt” post. <\/p>\n

————-<\/p>\n

Okay, so my name is Matthew<\/b> and I’m a doubter. (Shall we drink to that?)<\/p>\n

The truth is, sometimes I think this whole “Christianity” thing feels like a bad
\nfairytale, like “She-Ra<\/a>” without the sex appeal and a Pegasus. And other times, my
\nstruggling belief that Jesus lives pulls me out of my own muck (and other people’s
\nmuck).<\/p>\n

For the longest time, existing amid that tension drove me nuts. Whenever I was
\nin a room surrounded by people — you know, friends, family, strangers, etc., who all
\nconfess to completely understand the “Good News” (and I feel like I’m always in a
\nroom like that) — doubt made me feel what I imagine Sarah Palin would feel in a room
\nfull of political science professors: like an hors d’oeuvre<\/i>. <\/p>\n

And for a long time, I walked into those kinds of situations anticipating and even
\nfearing being eaten by the hungry mob of “certain” believers.
\nLast year, one of the pastors at my church asked Jessica and me to join the small
\ngroup they were starting at their house. My first response was a silent cringe,
\nmostly because I’d grown to hate being in small circles of people whose “faith
\nin God” was so thick you could cut it with a knife. But we joined, and upon
\nsaying, “sure, why not?” I started sharpening my machete. <\/p>\n

The first book<\/b> that we planned to study was Francis Chan’s Forgotten God<\/i><\/a>, a
\nrelatively short title about the Holy Spirit, the one-third of the Trinity that Chan believes
\nthe church has forgotten. On the first week, the group’s leader asked us to share
\nour initial feelings\/thoughts about the Holy Spirit. After one of the other members
\nshared her faith-filled passion about God’s spirit, I decided to offer my opinion. <\/p>\n

“To be honest, I’m fearful of this study,” I said, “Because all my life, I’ve heard a lot
\nof things said about the Holy Spirit. Crazy things. Hurtful things. Far-fetched things.
\nAnd I have a hard time believing that the Spirit of God has anything to do with a
\nlarge portion of what it receives credit for doing. I have a lot of doubt in regards to
\nthe ‘working of the Holy Spirit.’ ” <\/p>\n

After a brief awkward silence, the people in my small group affirmed my thoughts
\nwith nods and comments. Nobody made me feel like an outsider or a “special cause”
\nthat they needed to put on their prayer list. And that was uneasy at first. I expected
\nthem to challenge my Christianity. A part of me wanted them to. But they didn’t. Not
\nonce. Each of them accepted me as an equal, as somebody whose story offered value
\nand insight to the topic of discussion. <\/p>\n

Over the course of the next few weeks as we talked about God’s Spirit, I became
\nmore and more comfortable letting people “see” my doubt, questions, and spiritual baggage. <\/p>\n

The hardest part for me<\/b> was keeping quiet when somebody else in the small
\ngroup engaged the discussion with certainty. I think that’s difficult for many of
\nus who doubt. We become so used to our questions and ideas being ill-received
\nthat we often enter discussions about God expecting\/assuming that we’ll be
\nchallenged or segregated or labeled. <\/p>\n

On numerous occasions, I’ve allowed my doubt
\nand skepticism about the things of God to morph into closed-minded cynicism,
\nsomebody only interested in poking holes in other people’s beliefs. On several
\noccasions, some of things that members of my small group said about the Holy
\nSpirit caused me to write punch lines in my head. On a couple of occasions, those
\npunch lines were said aloud. And people laughed. <\/p>\n

Other times, I was tempted to
\nspeak up in the middle of somebody sharing their own story because I believed
\nthat I had a story that would challenge that person’s belief or disprove it or offer
\na reason as to why they should doubt too. And on one occasion, I’m ashamed to
\nadmit that I did that; I pounced on somebody else’s belief like a bobcat on a rabbit. <\/p>\n

I’ve had to learn<\/b> how to engage faith as doubter. It’s not easy. I’m not used to being
\naccepted. I’m used to feeling like a vampire, lonely and somewhat evil. <\/p>\n

But I’m learning to remember that, just like a person’s strong belief can cause
\ntheir faith to be rigid and judgmental and come holding a sword, my doubt can
\nsometimes cause my faith to be cocky and unmerciful and bearing a machete. <\/p>\n

And a scenario like that helps no one; of that I am certain.<\/p>\n

————-<\/p>\n

Thank you, MPT!<\/b> Stay in touch with Matthew Paul Turner via his prolific blogging<\/a> and tweeting<\/a>. More about him here<\/a><\/a>…<\/p>\n

Previous posts in the “Voices of Doubt” series…<\/b><\/p>\n

\u2022 Sally Lloyd-Jones: Where Did You Put Your Faith?<\/a>
\u2022 Chad Gibbs: When It Doesn’t Seem Fair<\/a>
\u2022 Leeana Tankersley: The Swirling Waters<\/a>
\u2022 Robert Cargill: The Skeptic in the Sanctuary<\/a>
\u2022 Dana Ellis: Haunted by Questions<\/a>
\u2022 Rachel Held Evans on Works-Based Salvation<\/a>
\u2022 Winn Collier: Doubt Better<\/a>
\u2022 Tyler Clark on Losing Fear, Losing Faith<\/a>
\u2022 Rob Stennett on the Genesis of Doubt<\/a>
\u2022 Adam Ellis on Hoping That It’s True<\/a>
\u2022 Nicole Wick on Breaking Up with God<\/a>
\u2022 Anna Broadway on Doubt and Marriage<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Matthew Paul Turner and I became acquainted pretty soon after he published The Christian Culture Survival Guide (complete with a foreword from Stephen Baldwin) and I came out with Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse. Both books were published by Relevant. Both turned a snarky eye toward Christian culture. Both of us have receding hairlines. Clearly…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[22,60],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-613","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guests","category-voices-of-doubt"],"yoast_head":"\nMatthew Paul Turner: Letting Them See My Doubt - O Me of Little Faith<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/omeoflittlefaith\/2010\/10\/matthew-paul-turner-letting-them-see.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Matthew Paul Turner: Letting Them See My Doubt - O Me of Little Faith\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Matthew Paul Turner and I became acquainted pretty soon after he published The Christian Culture Survival Guide (complete with a foreword from Stephen Baldwin) and I came out with Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse. 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