{"id":166,"date":"2009-06-19T05:58:00","date_gmt":"2009-06-19T05:58:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/omeoflittlefaith\/2009\/06\/random-phrases-from-the-pocket-guides-2.html"},"modified":"2009-06-19T05:58:00","modified_gmt":"2009-06-19T05:58:00","slug":"random-phrases-from-the-pocket-guides-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/omeoflittlefaith\/2009\/06\/random-phrases-from-the-pocket-guides-2.html","title":{"rendered":"Random Phrases from the Pocket Guides (2)"},"content":{"rendered":"

A couple of weeks ago,<\/span> I asked<\/a>: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context?<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>That was fun. At least for me. So let’s do it again.<\/p>\n

These are from the 4th chapter of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife<\/span><\/a>. It’s called called “Geography of the Beyond: Where You Might Go,” and it introduces possible post-death destinations from a variety of religious traditions. It also contains some very weird phrases. Unnervingly weird. Who can I blame for this? Probably Ahmadinejad. Or the Knights Templar.<\/p>\n

So here are a few of my favorite random phrases, lifted entirely out of context. To find out what they mean or what they’re referring to…well, you’ll have to read the book. Pre-order yours now at Amazon<\/a>.<\/p>\n

22 Random Phrases from Pocket Guide to the Afterlife (Chapter 4):<\/span><\/p>\n

Who will feed my cats?<\/p>\n

pursued by a demon with hippo legs<\/p>\n

Megatron or Kevin<\/p>\n

no intersexual mingling<\/p>\n

the shriveled hag could take you<\/p>\n

sawed in half<\/p>\n

the torso of a grizzly bear<\/p>\n

it sucks being poor and<\/span> dead<\/p>\n

poisonous slobber<\/p>\n

naked black-skinned queen of darkness<\/p>\n

Good job, Islam<\/p>\n

nookie-having strength of a hundred men<\/p>\n

popular luau game<\/p>\n

crying pooping screaming babies<\/p>\n

little nightmare munchkins<\/p>\n

your transformation into a worm<\/p>\n

corpse-sucking dragon<\/p>\n

Yama’s four-eyed devil dogs<\/p>\n

a really loooong, uncomfortable episode of \u201cBiggest Loser\u201d<\/p>\n

adulterers, blasphemers, and reality show applicants<\/p>\n

breast-shaped fruit, and all the not-yet-weaned children<\/p>\n

get sloppy drunk on mead<\/p>\n

——————<\/p>\n

Well, now. I can’t imagine what kinds of Google searches will end up finding their way to this post thanks to those phrases. I imagine whoever shows up in a search for “naked black-skinned queen of darkness” content will be profoundly disappointed.<\/p>\n

In advance: I’m sorry, creepy Googler.<\/p>\n

——————<\/p>\n

Contest! <\/span>The first person to guess, accurately, which eternal destination I’m discussing when I use the phrase “Megatron or Kevin” gets a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible<\/span>. Leave your guess in the comments. When\/if anyone gets it right, I’ll post the full sentence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A couple of weeks ago, I asked: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context? That was fun. At least for me. So let’s do it again. These are from the 4th chapter of Pocket Guide…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,46,44,37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lists","category-pocket-guide-to-the-afterlife","category-pocket-guides","category-random"],"yoast_head":"\nRandom Phrases from the Pocket Guides (2) - O Me of Little Faith<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/omeoflittlefaith\/2009\/06\/random-phrases-from-the-pocket-guides-2.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Random Phrases from the Pocket Guides (2) - O Me of Little Faith\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A couple of weeks ago, I asked: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context? 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