{"id":2711,"date":"2016-03-30T22:28:59","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T22:28:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ohmystars\/?p=2711"},"modified":"2016-03-30T22:28:59","modified_gmt":"2016-03-30T22:28:59","slug":"real-housewives-of-the-mutable-signs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ohmystars\/2016\/03\/real-housewives-of-the-mutable-signs.html","title":{"rendered":"Real Housewives Of The Mutable Signs"},"content":{"rendered":"

(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. Most of the guests are seated and await the beginning of the ceremony. In a corner away from the crowd stand GEMINI, VIRGO, and PISCES. GEMINI is in a wedding dress, and the other two are in bridesmaid\u2019s dresses.)<\/em><\/p>\n

ANNOUNCER:<\/strong> (voice off) Next on The Astrology Channel, it’s REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE MUTABLE SIGNS! This week, the ladies are helping Gemini prepare for her big moment…<\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> You know, Gemini, he’s all wrong for you! You really should think this through better.<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Oh Virgo… he’s at least partly right! I mean, sure he’s got his issues, but I’m not getting any younger! Besides, everyone loves an excuse for a party. I could list off several reasons why this is a great idea!<\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> That’s what you said the LAST four times.<\/p>\n

PISCES:<\/strong> (Sobbing quietly into her handkerchief)<\/em> This is so beautiful\u2026<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Oh, stop crying Pisces. The ceremony isn’t for another half hour yet.<\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> I swear you haven’t thought this thing through. Are you sure you aren’t doing this to compete with the number of marriages Sagittarius has had? Hey, where did Sagittarius go?<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Some idiot opened the bar before the ceremony!<\/p>\n

(In the distance we hear a woman\u2019s voice shouting \u201cYeee-HA!\u201d as if she were competing in a rodeo.)<\/em><\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> Sag, get down from there! No pole dancing until the reception!<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Seriously, Virgo… he’s a great guy, I love him, and I could do plenty worse. Besides… his family is paying for this beautiful ceremony!<\/p>\n

PISCES:<\/strong> (Still crying)<\/em> Love is soooo beautiful\u2026<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Cut that out Pisces. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (shrugs) Life’s like that. I can’t believe you’re being so analytical about something like a wedding. It\u2019s just not the time or place.<\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> Speaking of \u201cnot the time or place,\u201d where\u2019s\u2026<\/p>\n

(There is a loud sound of crashing glass in the distance, and several unseen wedding guests gasp loudly. This is followed by another loud, prolonged \u201cYeee-HA!\u201d)<\/em><\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> That chandelier is rented<\/em>, Sagittarius! Get off of it!<\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> Besides, if things don’t work out with me and Chet… there’s always Steve. He called last night, did I tell you? He said he’s finally getting divorced!<\/p>\n

(In the distance, a woman shouts \u201cgiddy up!\u201d)<\/em><\/p>\n

VIRGO:<\/strong> Hey, that’s Pisces’ husband! Get off of him!<\/p>\n

PISCES:<\/strong> (Sniffling)<\/em> Oh dammit\u2026 now I hate<\/em> weddings! (Begins to sob uncontrollably)<\/em><\/p>\n

GEMINI:<\/strong> (To Virgo)<\/em> Okay, enough of this. I\u2019m bored. Hey, wanna go hang out with Steve for a while\u2026?<\/p>\n

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Want a free month of my NEW Subscription Service? Write me for details!<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

CLICK HERE to join the Oh My Stars Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, more material on blog entries, AND ANOTHER free e-book!<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. Most of the guests are seated and await the beginning of the ceremony. In a corner away from the crowd stand GEMINI, VIRGO, and PISCES. GEMINI is in a wedding dress, and the other two are in bridesmaid\u2019s dresses.) ANNOUNCER: (voice off) Next on The Astrology Channel,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":560,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[128],"tags":[2],"class_list":["post-2711","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-astrology","tag-astrology"],"yoast_head":"\nReal Housewives Of The Mutable Signs - Oh My Stars<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ohmystars\/2016\/03\/real-housewives-of-the-mutable-signs.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Real Housewives Of The Mutable Signs - Oh My Stars\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. 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