{"id":193,"date":"2017-02-16T11:57:51","date_gmt":"2017-02-16T11:57:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/nextsteps\/?p=193"},"modified":"2017-02-16T11:57:51","modified_gmt":"2017-02-16T11:57:51","slug":"5-steps-stop-playing-change-game","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/nextsteps\/2017\/02\/5-steps-stop-playing-change-game.html","title":{"rendered":"5 Steps to Stop Playing the Change Game"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The Change Game is a toxic game we play in our relationships where we secretly try and change the other person to become more like us. This never works because no one likes being manipulated, both sides are miserable and the change never lasts. Romans 14:1 gives us a better way forward when it says to accept one another without quarreling over disputable matters.<\/p>\n

So if we\u2019re honest and realize that we\u2019re playing the Change Game, how do we stop? How do we stop manipulating people on disputable matters and embrace them like the Bible tells us?\u00a0Here are five steps to start:<\/p>\n

1. Cultivate humility.\u00a0<\/b>It starts with realizing that maybe, just maybe, you don\u2019t know everything, and maybe, maybe, there\u2019s more than one right answer to something. Humility is always a safe place to start. In Matthew 5 Jesus starts the Sermon on the Mount by saying, \u201cBlessed are the poor in spirit,\u201d happy are the humble.<\/p>\n

2. Walk in the Spirit.\u00a0<\/b>How do you know when a matter is disputable or indisputable? How do you know when something is just a preference or a hill for you to die on? Ask God. James 1 says if you need wisdom, ask God for it and he\u2019ll give it to you. If you ask and listen, the Spirit will tell you when a matter is disputable or not.<\/p>\n

3. Be curious.\u00a0<\/b>Seek first to understand, then to be understood, as James Covey wrote in 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Person. Seek to understand the other person’s viewpoint and why they are the way they are. This will give you a new and better perspective.<\/p>\n

4. Model the change you want to see.\u00a0<\/b>You can\u2019t change someone else, but you can change yourself. Many times the change you want to see in someone else is a cue for what God is trying to do in your life. So change yourself. Make your life so incredible and appetizing that the other person wants what you have, not because you\u2019re forcing them or manipulating them, but because your life inspires them to hope that there is a better way to live. So model the change you want to see and pray like crazy that God gets a hold of their life.<\/p>\n

5. Embrace the messes.\u00a0<\/b>On disputable matters, which is by far the vast majority of matters, embrace the other person. Accept them. Don\u2019t just hold them at arm\u2019s length. Bring them closer, bring them to your heart, just like Jesus has accepted you, mess and all.\u00a0That\u2019s how we stop playing the Change Game.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Change Game is a toxic game we play in our relationships where we secretly try and change the other person to become more like us. This never works because no one likes being manipulated, both sides are miserable and the change never lasts. Romans 14:1 gives us a better way forward when it says…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":607,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[93,101,102],"class_list":["post-193","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-next-steps","tag-change","tag-game","tag-relationship"],"yoast_head":"\n5 Steps to Stop Playing the Change Game - Next Steps<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are five steps to stop playing the toxic 'change game' in your relationships.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Steps to Stop Playing the Change Game - Next Steps\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Here are five steps to stop playing the toxic 'change game' in your relationships.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/nextsteps\/2017\/02\/5-steps-stop-playing-change-game.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next Steps\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"facebook.com\/drjoshdaffern\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-02-16T11:57:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/nextsteps\/files\/2017\/02\/a88emaze7d8-charlie-foster-300x199.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Josh Daffern\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@joshdaffern\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"5 Steps to Stop Playing the Change Game - 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Josh graduated from New Orleans Seminary with a Masters of Divinity and a Doctor of Ministry. Josh has been involved in full-time ministry for over twenty years. He enjoys hiking, beach volleyball, reading, playing anything competitive, and rough-housing with his kids. Josh, his gorgeous wife Robin, his outrageously handsome boys Zeke, Shepherd and Lincoln and his princess Elle, live in northern Virginia. Josh also blogs on Patheos as New Wineskins: an Apologist for the Modern Church and you can find links to all his content on joshdaffern.com. 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