{"id":4254,"date":"2016-02-09T18:03:05","date_gmt":"2016-02-09T23:03:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/?p=4254"},"modified":"2016-02-09T18:03:05","modified_gmt":"2016-02-09T23:03:05","slug":"handling-rejection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2016\/02\/handling-rejection.html","title":{"rendered":"Handling Rejection"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Photo
Photo Credit: Erik Odin Cathcart<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was recently interviewed by Brianna Steinhilber of EverUp for a piece on dealing with rejection. You can read her very thoughtful story here<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.everup.com\/2016\/02\/05\/rejections-hacks-brain-effects\/<\/a><\/p>\n

Here are some additional thoughts I had in addition to those quoted in her article:<\/p>\n

Why does it seem that some people are less affected than others by being rejected?<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Becoming upset in reaction to rejection requires subscribing to what I call \u201ccontingent self-worth.\u201d Contingent Self-Worth is a set of rules about the conditions that we can be okay with. For example, \u201cI can be okay if everyone likes me; I am a good person if I don\u2019t fail\u201d Every rule makes us vulnerable to rejections, disappointments, and losses. We live in a culture where our wellbeing is almost always linked to how much material stuff we have, how much other people like us, and other measures of status. So, when I say subscribing it\u2019s not necessarily a conscious process; the linkages are deeply embedded in our psyches (like asking a fish, what is water?).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Is it a matter of handling the experience differently or are some people innately less\u00a0sensitive to rejection?<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

There is clearly something we can do to break the self-worth contingencies and it is also the case that some people will have to work harder at this than others. The degree of effort points to innate contribution. Some of us are more thick-skinned. Of course, the way we are is always a function of the interaction of genes and environment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Does the response to rejection\u00a0translate across different areas of your life?\u00a0For example, if you are highly sensitive to rejection at work, would you have the same response if shot down when you ask someone out on a date?\u00a0<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s quite possible to have differential sensitivities but it\u2019s probably more likely that a sensitive person would have similar sensitivities. Of course, and again, it depends on each person\u2019s unique life experience. Someone may be robust in the work arena in a way that they are not with relationships because of certain experiences from earlier in life. It always depends on what the person perceives is on the line. Different domains of life may be seen as more or less threatening to their sense of value, wellbeing, or worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What are some ways that you recommend people who are greatly affected by rejection can work on bouncing back more quickly when it occurs?<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Mindfulness is the principle means that I use to break contingencies in my psychotherapy patients and workshop participants (like the workshop that I\u2019ll be teaching soon at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health). The more aware we are of how we react to situations will give us options on how to respond differently. It\u2019s helpful to ask yourself, \u201cwhat\u2019s really on the line here?\u201d You can then see if your sense of okay-ness is really undermined by the rejection. Often, we worry how we\u2019ll be perceived by others and that is just another contingency. Rejections aren\u2019t the end of the world but sometimes we can react as if they are. Being turned away from one opportunity makes you available for another. Ultimately, I encourage people not to take things so seriously. If that reaction arises, mindfulness practice can help people to back away from it and keep things in perspective.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was recently interviewed by Brianna Steinhilber of EverUp for a piece on dealing with rejection. You can read her very thoughtful story here http:\/\/www.everup.com\/2016\/02\/05\/rejections-hacks-brain-effects\/ Here are some additional thoughts I had in addition to those quoted in her article: Why does it seem that some people are less affected than others by being rejected?…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":268,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,9,14],"tags":[476,778,21,1069,1068],"class_list":["post-4254","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-media","category-mindfulnesss","category-recommended","tag-contingent-self-worth","tag-erik-odin-cathcart","tag-mindfulness","tag-not-taking-things-seriously","tag-rejection"],"yoast_head":"\nHandling Rejection - Mindfulness Matters<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Handling Rejection - Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I was recently interviewed by Brianna Steinhilber of EverUp for a piece on dealing with rejection. You can read her very thoughtful story here http:\/\/www.everup.com\/2016\/02\/05\/rejections-hacks-brain-effects\/ Here are some additional thoughts I had in addition to those quoted in her article: Why does it seem that some people are less affected than others by being rejected?…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2016\/02\/handling-rejection.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-02-09T23:03:05+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/files\/2016\/02\/10466998_773443796039533_371369958888488302_o-400x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Dr. Arnie Kozak\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Handling Rejection - Mindfulness Matters","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"nofollow"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Handling Rejection - Mindfulness Matters","og_description":"I was recently interviewed by Brianna Steinhilber of EverUp for a piece on dealing with rejection. 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Dr. Kozak's ability to translate ancient healing traditions into pragmatic applications suitable for modern lifestyles through the use of metaphors have made him a strong voice in healthcare and business. Beginning with a journey to India in the 80\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where he took the Bodhisattva vows from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Arnie Dr. Kozak began his lifelong practice in mindfulness meditation. Intent on finding a way to bring the practical healing attributes of mindfulness he began incorporating these techniques in his private practice. In 2002 Dr. Kozak created Exquisite Mind in Burlington, Vermont as a vehicle that could expand his wisdom to larger audiences beyond individual psychotherapy to professionals and corporations, health care providers, public groups and, most recently with Exquisite Mind Golf, amateur and professional golfers. His award-winning new book, Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness (Wisdom Publications, 2009) is a thoughtful, funny, and inspiring translation of mindfulness practice through the inventive use of metaphor applicable to our daily lives. In addition to his work with Exquisite Mind, Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist\u00e2\u20ac\u201dDoctorate has been a Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Vermont and is a Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry and Medicine, University of Vermont College of Medicine. He has studied and practiced clinical psychology, meditation, and yoga for more than 25 years. He has studied with several meditation masters, including S. N. Goenka, Larry Rosenberg, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. After receiving his bachelors degree with honors from Tufts University, he was awarded a Presidential Fellowship to get his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University at Buffalo. He completed his training as a Psychological Fellow at the Harvard Medical School. Prior to founding the Exquisite Mind in 2002, Arnie worked ten years in the private sector for the PKC Corporation consulting on mental health content for this revolutionary software company.","sameAs":["http:\/\/exquisitemind.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/author\/akozak"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4254","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/268"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4254"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4254\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4258,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4254\/revisions\/4258"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4254"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4254"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4254"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}