{"id":3646,"date":"2014-12-21T10:36:45","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T15:36:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/?p=3646"},"modified":"2014-12-21T10:36:45","modified_gmt":"2014-12-21T15:36:45","slug":"getting-past-the-tyranny-of-should-a-timely-message-for-the-holiday-season","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2014\/12\/getting-past-the-tyranny-of-should-a-timely-message-for-the-holiday-season.html","title":{"rendered":"Getting Past the Tyranny of Should: A Timely Message for the Holiday Season"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"4.1.1\"<\/a>There are many things we “should” be doing around the holidays. We should<\/em> be happy, merry, and jolly. We should<\/em> be with family. We should<\/em> be the consummate hosts.<\/p>\n

In the course of the day, we might impose expectations, rules, and agendas on ourselves tirelessly. This is the tyranny of should.<\/p>\n

Cognitive behavioral therapists like me are fond to say: “Don’t should on yourself.”The author Anne Lammott said that when the word should is spoken a lie is in the neighborhood.<\/p>\n

Instead of the tyranny of should, consider\u00a0an alternative phraseology. In any situation where you accuse yourself of “I should have” you could say, “I could have …” or “I might have.” These phrases are statements of fact and don’t carry the implied judgment of “should.” Could have<\/em> and might have<\/em> suggest that something was possible and that the possibility was not realized for whatever reason (and there are always reasons). There is no tyranny in could\/might. There is no condemnation.<\/p>\n

Should<\/em> implies contingency: “I should have and since I didn’t, I am deficient in some way.” I should have<\/em> implies am omniscient perspective usually constructed in hindsight and forced on a situation without proper context. We are neither omniscient nor perfect.<\/p>\n

Looking at the role of shoulds<\/em> in our mental life is a prerequisite for a self-compassionate approach and one that could be very useful during the holiday season.<\/p>\n

There is no shortage of opportunities to beat up on ourselves for perceived transgressions against the hidden agendas we live by. By examining our internal conversations, we can uncover the\u00a0shoulds<\/em> and convert them to\u00a0coulds\u00a0<\/em>and learn from our mistakes, miscues, and missed opportunities.<\/p>\n

We might even be able to laugh at ourselves and that is the best kind of holiday cheer.<\/p>\n

All my best for the holiday season.<\/p>\n

Peace,<\/p>\n

Arnie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There are many things we “should” be doing around the holidays. We should be happy, merry, and jolly. We should be with family. We should be the consummate hosts. In the course of the day, we might impose expectations, rules, and agendas on ourselves tirelessly. This is the tyranny of should. 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Dr. Kozak's ability to translate ancient healing traditions into pragmatic applications suitable for modern lifestyles through the use of metaphors have made him a strong voice in healthcare and business. Beginning with a journey to India in the 80\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where he took the Bodhisattva vows from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Arnie Dr. Kozak began his lifelong practice in mindfulness meditation. Intent on finding a way to bring the practical healing attributes of mindfulness he began incorporating these techniques in his private practice. In 2002 Dr. Kozak created Exquisite Mind in Burlington, Vermont as a vehicle that could expand his wisdom to larger audiences beyond individual psychotherapy to professionals and corporations, health care providers, public groups and, most recently with Exquisite Mind Golf, amateur and professional golfers. His award-winning new book, Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness (Wisdom Publications, 2009) is a thoughtful, funny, and inspiring translation of mindfulness practice through the inventive use of metaphor applicable to our daily lives. In addition to his work with Exquisite Mind, Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist\u00e2\u20ac\u201dDoctorate has been a Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Vermont and is a Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry and Medicine, University of Vermont College of Medicine. He has studied and practiced clinical psychology, meditation, and yoga for more than 25 years. He has studied with several meditation masters, including S. N. Goenka, Larry Rosenberg, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. After receiving his bachelors degree with honors from Tufts University, he was awarded a Presidential Fellowship to get his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University at Buffalo. He completed his training as a Psychological Fellow at the Harvard Medical School. Prior to founding the Exquisite Mind in 2002, Arnie worked ten years in the private sector for the PKC Corporation consulting on mental health content for this revolutionary software company.","sameAs":["http:\/\/exquisitemind.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/author\/akozak"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3646","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/268"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3646"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3646\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3653,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3646\/revisions\/3653"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3646"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3646"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3646"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}