{"id":2420,"date":"2012-05-28T13:22:30","date_gmt":"2012-05-28T17:22:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/mindfulnessmatters\/?p=2420"},"modified":"2012-05-28T13:22:30","modified_gmt":"2012-05-28T17:22:30","slug":"how-are-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2012\/05\/how-are-you.html","title":{"rendered":"How are you?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>In a contemplative context with a group of friends, we considered this most common of questions.<\/p>\n

“How are you” is a powerful communication and one that is not always asked with intention, authenticity, and interest. Sometimes it is hard to answer with the same qualities.<\/p>\n

What do you do when someone asks, “How are you?” Let’s assume the person is actually interested in how you are and not just using this phrase as a euphemism for “hello.”\u00a0The question is so general and could be answered in a variety of ways. What’s the time frame? People don’t usually ask, “How are you precisely now?” or “How have you been over the past day, week, month, year?” Because the question is vague it begs for a vague answer. I can tell about this moment with some precision, but if you ask me to reflect on longer stretches of time, I must either generalize or select–neither gives a very mindful representation of my well-being.<\/p>\n

In this moment, I am interacting with you, and if I like you, that affection will color my answer. “I’ am fine because I am here with you my friend” might be a reasonable answer.<\/p>\n

One friend was going through an especially difficult period of her life filled with multiple losses. She felt besieged \u00a0and inauthentic unless she went into a dissertation on everything that was going on in her world. She resented having to do this.\u00a0“It’s the wrong question,” she said.<\/p>\n

Why don’t we say, “It’s good to see you.” “What’s new in your world.” “What would you like to tell me?” That last question is implied in an encounter framed by affection and interest. By connecting with someone we invite them to open.<\/p>\n

There is a deeper lesson here. When we follow the dharma, that is, seek to embrace the wisdom of impermanence and so forth, we can say with integrity–“I am fine.” In this sensate moment without a sense of story to say one thing or another, I am<\/em> fine. There is no me present to be not fine. In other words, I need \u00a0a story of me to have problems, issues, and complaints.<\/p>\n

In this way, I am always fine no matter what my circumstances are. This is what dharma practice provides–liberation from the contingent self. I am okay even when I am dealing with adversity, loss, and suffering. I can cope with the unwanted with equanimity. Therefore, I am okay. I (whoever or whatever that might be) am fine even when I am not.<\/p>\n

I’ve had a cold. “How are you?” “I am fine AND I have the symptoms of a cold.” These symptoms don’t define, rule, or make me. They co-arise along with everything else that makes this moment. If I just want to tell you I am fine, then I can feel that I’ve been authentic. If I want to also tell you about my cold, I can do that too (I guess I just did!).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In a contemplative context with a group of friends, we considered this most common of questions. “How are you” is a powerful communication and one that is not always asked with intention, authenticity, and interest. Sometimes it is hard to answer with the same qualities. 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Dr. Kozak's ability to translate ancient healing traditions into pragmatic applications suitable for modern lifestyles through the use of metaphors have made him a strong voice in healthcare and business. Beginning with a journey to India in the 80\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where he took the Bodhisattva vows from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Arnie Dr. Kozak began his lifelong practice in mindfulness meditation. Intent on finding a way to bring the practical healing attributes of mindfulness he began incorporating these techniques in his private practice. In 2002 Dr. Kozak created Exquisite Mind in Burlington, Vermont as a vehicle that could expand his wisdom to larger audiences beyond individual psychotherapy to professionals and corporations, health care providers, public groups and, most recently with Exquisite Mind Golf, amateur and professional golfers. His award-winning new book, Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness (Wisdom Publications, 2009) is a thoughtful, funny, and inspiring translation of mindfulness practice through the inventive use of metaphor applicable to our daily lives. In addition to his work with Exquisite Mind, Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist\u00e2\u20ac\u201dDoctorate has been a Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Vermont and is a Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry and Medicine, University of Vermont College of Medicine. He has studied and practiced clinical psychology, meditation, and yoga for more than 25 years. He has studied with several meditation masters, including S. N. Goenka, Larry Rosenberg, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. After receiving his bachelors degree with honors from Tufts University, he was awarded a Presidential Fellowship to get his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University at Buffalo. He completed his training as a Psychological Fellow at the Harvard Medical School. Prior to founding the Exquisite Mind in 2002, Arnie worked ten years in the private sector for the PKC Corporation consulting on mental health content for this revolutionary software company.","sameAs":["http:\/\/exquisitemind.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/author\/akozak"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2420","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/268"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2420"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2420\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2427,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2420\/revisions\/2427"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2420"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2420"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2420"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}