{"id":1642,"date":"2011-09-24T11:28:12","date_gmt":"2011-09-24T15:28:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/mindfulnessmatters\/?p=1642"},"modified":"2011-09-24T11:28:12","modified_gmt":"2011-09-24T15:28:12","slug":"another-look-at-forgiveness-not-what-you-might-think","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2011\/09\/another-look-at-forgiveness-not-what-you-might-think.html","title":{"rendered":"Another Look at Forgiveness: Not What You Might Think"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>If we are holding onto a grievance towards others or ourselves, this can be damaging to our sense of wellbeing and even our health. The grievance story is like poison, it festers, fulminates, and preoccupies. Meanwhile, our stress response systems are in high gear trying to cope with an imagined threat.<\/p>\n

This imprisonment is more than psychological; it has measurable physiological effects. During one research protocol, subjects were asked to think about an event for which they had not forgiven. They did so for five minutes. For this mere five minutes worth of negative focus, they experienced an eight to twelve hour climb in the stress hormone cortisol. Chronic cortisol activation leads to a host of health problems, as much research has identified. These effects include increased blood pressure, cholesterol, atherosclerosis, blood clotting, heart attack, suppression of the immune system, insulin resistance, loss of bone minerals, loss of muscle protein, and atrophy of brain cells. When we are focused on the unforgiveness narrative our heart variability resembles that of a person with advanced heart disease. However, a 5-minute heart-focused meditation (focusing a warm feeling in the region of the heart) creates a heart pattern that is markedly different? (smooth as opposed to jagged). Forgiveness helps us to turn the stress response system off. Forgiveness is an antidote for the poison of the grievance story.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness can be a private process of acceptance. It may not involve the other party. This person could be longed passed or it could be an institution, god, or life. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the harmful action or letting the person off the hook for what they\u2019ve done. Rather, forgiveness is not allowing the past to dictate how we feel in the present. It is a letting go; it is coming to be in the present moment.<\/p>\n

When we bring mindfulness to the hurt, we can see how we have been holding on and feel the emotional, energetic cost of this holding.\u00a0 The lack of forgiveness exploits deep-seated needs: The need to be right; the need to be heard, the need for justice. It\u2019s easy to fall into this trap. Forgiveness situations are sticky, like the La Brea tar pits. Self-righteousness can keep is stuck. Beyond self-righteousness, there may be a fear that letting go \u2013 that accepting the situation will diminish us in some way. We cling to the story as if our identity depended upon it. \u201cBetter to be right than uncertain,\u201d the mind says. Being open can be scary. Forgiveness requires self-reliance, a confidence that we can go through difficult experiences and still be intact. When we don\u2019t indoctrinate ourselves with the grievance narrative we can taste this confidence.<\/p>\n

Mindfulness helps us, in a general way, to disengage from all manner of stories, including the destructive grievance narratives of unforgiveness. Practice helps us to see how we \u201cconstruct\u201d ourselves out of these stories by identifying with them closely. \u201cI am my story.\u201d And to the extent that we identify with stories, is the extent that they influence us. According to forgiveness researcher, Sam Standard, \u201cmindfulness is a skillful means through which we can lay the foundation for cognitive restructuring. It provides the natural contrast medium so that we can better see the stridency of our rules for others. Plus, mindfulness of body allows one to literally feel unforgiveness, and to open to positive alternatives.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If we are holding onto a grievance towards others or ourselves, this can be damaging to our sense of wellbeing and even our health. The grievance story is like poison, it festers, fulminates, and preoccupies. Meanwhile, our stress response systems are in high gear trying to cope with an imagined threat. This imprisonment is more…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":268,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,19,1],"tags":[64,21,242,241],"class_list":["post-1642","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mindful-living","category-mindfulnesss","category-stress-reduction","category-the-laboratory","tag-forgiveness","tag-mindfulness","tag-stanford-forgiveness-project","tag-stress-reduction-2"],"yoast_head":"\nAnother Look at Forgiveness: Not What You Might Think - Mindfulness Matters<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2011\/09\/another-look-at-forgiveness-not-what-you-might-think.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Another Look at Forgiveness: Not What You Might Think - Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If we are holding onto a grievance towards others or ourselves, this can be damaging to our sense of wellbeing and even our health. The grievance story is like poison, it festers, fulminates, and preoccupies. Meanwhile, our stress response systems are in high gear trying to cope with an imagined threat. This imprisonment is more…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2011\/09\/another-look-at-forgiveness-not-what-you-might-think.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-09-24T15:28:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/mindfulnessmatters\/files\/2011\/09\/BS15086-300x219.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Dr. Arnie Kozak\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Another Look at Forgiveness: Not What You Might Think - Mindfulness Matters","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/2011\/09\/another-look-at-forgiveness-not-what-you-might-think.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Another Look at Forgiveness: Not What You Might Think - Mindfulness Matters","og_description":"If we are holding onto a grievance towards others or ourselves, this can be damaging to our sense of wellbeing and even our health. 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Dr. Kozak's ability to translate ancient healing traditions into pragmatic applications suitable for modern lifestyles through the use of metaphors have made him a strong voice in healthcare and business. Beginning with a journey to India in the 80\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where he took the Bodhisattva vows from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Arnie Dr. Kozak began his lifelong practice in mindfulness meditation. Intent on finding a way to bring the practical healing attributes of mindfulness he began incorporating these techniques in his private practice. In 2002 Dr. Kozak created Exquisite Mind in Burlington, Vermont as a vehicle that could expand his wisdom to larger audiences beyond individual psychotherapy to professionals and corporations, health care providers, public groups and, most recently with Exquisite Mind Golf, amateur and professional golfers. His award-winning new book, Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness (Wisdom Publications, 2009) is a thoughtful, funny, and inspiring translation of mindfulness practice through the inventive use of metaphor applicable to our daily lives. In addition to his work with Exquisite Mind, Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist\u00e2\u20ac\u201dDoctorate has been a Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Vermont and is a Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry and Medicine, University of Vermont College of Medicine. He has studied and practiced clinical psychology, meditation, and yoga for more than 25 years. He has studied with several meditation masters, including S. N. Goenka, Larry Rosenberg, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. After receiving his bachelors degree with honors from Tufts University, he was awarded a Presidential Fellowship to get his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University at Buffalo. He completed his training as a Psychological Fellow at the Harvard Medical School. Prior to founding the Exquisite Mind in 2002, Arnie worked ten years in the private sector for the PKC Corporation consulting on mental health content for this revolutionary software company.","sameAs":["http:\/\/exquisitemind.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/author\/akozak"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1642","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/268"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1642"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1642\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1647,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1642\/revisions\/1647"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1642"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1642"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/mindfulnessmatters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1642"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}