{"id":1269,"date":"2010-10-01T01:58:12","date_gmt":"2010-10-01T01:58:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/markdroberts\/2010\/10\/how-can-i-forgive-someone-who-doesnt-admit-to-having-done-anything-wrong.html"},"modified":"2010-10-01T01:58:12","modified_gmt":"2010-10-01T01:58:12","slug":"how-can-i-forgive-someone-who-doesnt-admit-to-having-done-anything-wrong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/2010\/10\/how-can-i-forgive-someone-who-doesnt-admit-to-having-done-anything-wrong.html","title":{"rendered":"How Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Admit to Having Done Anything Wrong?"},"content":{"rendered":"

With this post I am finishing my series: What To Do If Someone Sins Against You: The Teaching of Jesus<\/i>. You can find this whole series in logical order here<\/a>, if you wish. <\/p>\n

Let me review the basic steps outlined by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-18:<\/p>\n

Step 1: Go and privately point out the fault to the wrongdoer.<\/b>
   If Step 1 is successful, you have won back the offender.
   If Step 1 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you, go to Step 2.
Step 2: Go again with one or two witnesses.<\/b>
   If Step 2 is successful, you have won back the offender.
   If Step 2 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you and the witnesses, go to
   Step 3.
Step 3: Tell it to the gathered Christian assembly (or, in many churches, to the authorities who handle church discipline).<\/b>
   If Step 3 is successful, you have won back the offender.
   If Step 3 is not successful and the offender won’t listen to you and the witnesses, go to
   Step 4.
Step 4: Let the unrepentant sinner be to you and your Christian community “as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider.<\/b>
   But always be read to welcome back this person if he or she repents.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

At any stage in this process, if the person being confronted admits his or her fault, then it is essential for the individual who was on the receiving end of the offense to forgive the offender.<\/p>\n

But what happens if the offender is unwilling to admit to having done anything wrong? What should you do if you go through the process established by Jesus, but the end result is not an admission of sin? Can we forgive someone who doesn’t repent? Should we?<\/p>\n

One way to answer this question would be to point to psychological studies of forgiveness and unforgiveness. They show, basically, that forgiveness is essential for the emotional health of the one who forgives. If you have been deeply hurt by your parents, for example, and you carry this hurt with you throughout your life without ever forgiving, it’s highly likely that you will inhibit your own emotional health, even your physical health. Unforgiveness is like a cancerous tumor within us that needs to be removed. <\/p>\n

For those of us who are biblically-oriented, a more compelling case for this kind of forgiveness comes from Scripture itself. There are many passages in the Bible the call us to forgive. None of these adds, “if the one who offended you is sorry.” For example, in Mark 11:25 Jesus says, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” This passage says nothing about what the offender thinks or feels. Rather, it connects your own forgiveness by God with the forgiveness you give to someone else. <\/p>\n

This can seem very odd to us, partly because we have a hazy or even wrong-headed understanding of forgiveness. What is forgiveness? At the risk of being simplistic, let me say that forgiveness is giving over to God the wrong done to you. It’s saying to God, “Okay, Lord, I’m not going to hold onto this offense any more. I’m surrendering it to you.” Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Though it usually leads to feeling better, forgiveness generally comes prior to feeling better. When I forgive I say to the Lord, “God, this person really hurt me. But I’m giving it all to you. I do not want this offense to be a breach in relationship any further. I will not harbor it my soul. Here you go, Lord, here’s the hurt.” (Photo: Another moving portrayal of forgiveness in Bartolom\u00e9 Murillo’s “Return of the Prodigal Son,” 1667-70.)<\/p>\n

\"Murillo-prodigal-5.jpg\"<\/form>\n

I want to make sure you understand what Jesus is not asking us to do in forgiving. First, he’s not asking us to say “That’s okay.” Forgiveness isn’t saying that what was done to you is okay. In fact, forgiveness assumes that it was not okay. Only real wrongs need to be forgiven. Second, Jesus is not asking us necessarily to understand why somebody did something wrong. Yes, this can help us let go of our hurt feelings sometimes, but forgiveness is choosing before God to let go of the offense, even if you don’t understand why the offender did it. Forgiveness is deciding that you won’t get even, that you won’t punish the offender either through your actions or inactions. Third, Jesus is not asking us to pretend as if the hurt has completely disappeared. This sort of healing process takes time, and forgiveness contributes to the healing, but it’s not the same as feeling better. Fourth, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, though it is almost always part of reconciliation. Forgiving someone is giving the offense and hurt to God. You can do this no matter what the offending party does. Reconciliation, on the contrary, requires that the other person own the wrong and repent of it. Reconciliation, therefore, is dependent on the other person. Forgiveness is not.<\/p>\n

The command to forgive is a very hard command to obey, isn’t it? If someone has really hurt us, the last thing we want to do is to forgive. We’d much rather hang onto our pain as a means of self-protection. We’d much rather grovel in self-pity than regain relationship with the offender. Yet Jesus couldn’t be much clearer. He says that if you have anything against anyone – and that’s pretty inclusive, don’t you think? Anything against anyone! – you should forgive. Period.<\/p>\n

Now I know that many of us have a hard time forgiving. Forgiveness is scary because it means taking down the walls that protect us, and we’re understandably afraid to do this.<\/p>\n

So what should you do if forgiveness doesn’t come easily for you? For an answer to this question I turn to Ephesians 4:32-5:2. This passage reads:<\/p>\n

[B]e kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Notice the close connection here between your forgiving others and your experience of God’s forgiveness. On the one hand, you are to forgive in the same way that God has forgiven you in Christ. On the other hand, your experience of God’s forgiveness empowers you to forgive others. The more you realize the magnitude of God’s forgiveness for you, the more you will be a forgiving person. Show me an unforgiving person, and I’ll show you someone who hasn’t experienced very much of God’s grace. Conversely, show me someone who forgives readily, and I’ll show you someone who has been baptized in God’s gracious forgiveness. <\/p>\n

In conclusion, I would say, “Yes, you can and should forgive one who has sinned against you, even if that person will not admit the offense. This is consistent with biblical teaching and it is essential for your own well being.” Having said this, however, I am not suggesting that such forgiveness is easy. When the offense is great, forgiveness comes slowly, with great difficulty, and always with lots of help from the Holy Spirit. If you find yourself in a position of needing for forgive one who has wronged you but will not admit the offense, I’d encourage you to take this to the Lord and also to at least one other wise, mature Christian who can help you work through your feelings and responses in a healthy, Christ-like way. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With this post I am finishing my series: What To Do If Someone Sins Against You: The Teaching of Jesus. You can find this whole series in logical order here, if you wish. Let me review the basic steps outlined by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-18: Step 1: Go and privately point out the fault to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":214,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[191],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-when-someone-sins-against-you"],"yoast_head":"\nHow Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn't Admit to Having Done Anything Wrong? - Mark D. 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Roberts","description":"Mark D. Roberts: Thoughtfully Christian Reflections on Jesus, the Church, and the World","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/#\/schema\/person\/1ff094a57b7e41f534434b1723df3d73","name":"Mark D. Roberts","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/f2d\/f2ddf5f080861f66ea230384f9d1bab2x96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/f2d\/f2ddf5f080861f66ea230384f9d1bab2x96.jpg","caption":"Mark D. Roberts"},"description":"The Rev. Dr. Mark D. Roberts is a pastor, author, retreat leader, speaker, and blogger. Since October 2007 he has been the Senior Director and Scholar-in-Residence for Laity Lodge, a multifaceted ministry in the Hill Country of Texas. Before coming to Laity Lodge, he was for sixteen years the Senior Pastor of Irvine Presbyterian Church in Irvine, California (a city in Orange County about forty miles south of Los Angeles). Before his time at Irvine Pres, Mark served on the staff of the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood as Associate Pastor of Education. (Thanks to Janel Pahl for taking the photo to the right.) Mark studied at Harvard University, receiving a B.A. in Philosophy, an M.A. in the Study of Religion, and a Ph.D. in New Testament and Christian Origins. He has taught classes in New Testament for Fuller Theological Seminary and San Francisco Theological Seminary. Mark has written several books, including No Holds Barred: Wrestling with God in Prayer (WaterBrook, 2005), Dare to Be True (WaterBrook, 2003), Jesus Revealed (WaterBrook, 2002), After \"I Believe\" (Baker, 2002), and Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther (Word, 1993). His most recent book is Can We Trust the Gospels? Investigating the Reliability of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (Crossway, 2007). He is currently working on a commentary on Ephesians that will be published by Zondervan in 2014. Mark writes a devotional for The High Calling of Our Daily Work, a website associated with Laity Lodge. His \"Daily Reflections\" can be viewed online or sent as a daily email. If you wish to receive this email, just visit TheHighCalling.org and sign up. Mark serves on the editorial board of Worship Leader magazine, where he publishes articles and reviews, including his regular column \"Lyrical Poetry.\" Additionally, he has published dozens of articles in leading magazines and journals. He often speaks for churches and other Christian groups, and has been interviewed on over seventy-five radio programs nationwide. Mark is married to Linda, who is a Marriage and Family Therapist, a Spiritual Director, and a retreat speaker. They have two children, Nathan and Kara.For Publicity Photos and Bio Statements for Mark, please check here. Mark's Dossier Professional History: Senior Director and Scholar-in Residence, Laity Lodge, October 2007 to present. Senior Pastor Irvine Presbyterian Church, June 1991 to September 2007 Adjunct Assistant Professor Fuller Theological Seminary, 1994 to 2007. Courses: New Testament Theology and Exegesis. Adjunct Instructor San Francisco Theological Seminary, 1995 to 2001. Courses: New Testament Greek and Exegesis Associate Pastor of Education First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood, 1987-1991 Teaching Fellow Harvard University, 1980-1983 Education: Ph.D. in the Study of Religion. Harvard University, 1992. Area: New Testament and Christian Origins M.A. in the Study of Religion Harvard University, 1984. A.B. magna cum laude in Philosophy Harvard University, 1979. Phi Beta Kappa; Danforth Fellowship Books: Can We Trust the Gospels? Investigating the Reliability of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Crossway, 2007 No Holds Barred: Wrestling with God in Prayer. WaterBrook, 2005 Dare to Be True: Living in the Freedom of Complete Honesty. WaterBrook, 2003. Jesus Revealed: Know Him Better to Love Him Better. WaterBrook, 2002. After \"I Believe\": Experiencing Authentic Christian Living. Baker, 2002. Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther in the Communicator's Commentary Series. Word, 1993. Contacting Mark: You can reach Mark at: E-mail: mark@markdroberts.com mroberts@laitylodge.org Phone: Laity Lodge: (830) 792-1216 Address: Laity Lodge 719 Earl Garrett Kerrville, TX 78028","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/author\/mroberts"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1269","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/214"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1269"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1269\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/markdroberts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}