{"id":849,"date":"2020-05-19T14:16:34","date_gmt":"2020-05-19T14:16:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/?p=849"},"modified":"2020-05-20T07:39:06","modified_gmt":"2020-05-20T07:39:06","slug":"10-of-my-personal-online-dating-rules","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2020\/05\/10-of-my-personal-online-dating-rules.html","title":{"rendered":"10 Of My Personal Online Dating Rules"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

Signing up for online dating is painful in the sense that you have to come to terms that you are strolling the internet to find people to touch you. \u00a0Essentially, part of you is telling the world that you are a creep, you accept it, and you\u2019re going to post personal photos as proof of just how okay you really are with it.<\/p>\n

But once you finish with the 723 questions required to create your online dating profile<\/a>, you are rewarded with a swarm of messages from some very\u2026interesting characters. \u00a0I could write an entire blog, novel, school textbook \u2013 you get the idea \u2013 on the types of messages I have received. \u00a0But if you are looking for a response to your message, it\u2019s not nearly as complicated as the online dating population makes it. \u00a0(Please note that these are my own personal online dating rules. \u00a0I\u2019m not presumptuous to believe we all have similar standards.)<\/em><\/p>\n

1.) Don\u2019t offer to lick my face.<\/h2>\n

Honestly, who reads a profile and thinks, yes, yes I want to lick this person\u2019s face and I will immediately message them to let them know just how badly I want to lick their face. \u00a0What kind of response are they looking for from me? \u00a0I mean props to them for trying. \u00a0Maybe I\u2019m that person who receives said message and instantly thinks,\u00a0\u201cWhy yes. \u00a0I would love for this person to lick my face. \u00a0That would be fantastic. \u00a0I never knew I wanted someone to lick my face but now that he\u2019s offered, I\u2019m excited and ready for this experience!\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

No, I don\u2019t want you to lick my face. \u00a0But I\u2019m sure this person will someday find their soulmate. \u00a0Ideally someone who enjoys fresh salvia on their cheekbones.<\/p>\n

2.) Don\u2019t message me and tell how my profile looks \u201ccool\u201d.<\/h2>\n

That\u2019s the most you can come up with? \u00a0Clearly this a copy-and-paste job because\u00a0\u201cyour profile seems pretty cool\u201d<\/em>\u00a0just feels a little too vague to be genuine. \u00a0My profile has multiple mentions to me excessively and unnecessarily peeing outside. \u00a0This is my attempt to let it be known that not only am I creeper prowling the interwebs to get some human company, but I\u2019m also a little bit weird. \u00a0 Under no terms does my profile come across as \u201ccool\u201d. \u00a0Dorky? Yea. Annoying? Of course. \u00a0The dude offering to lick my face was more appropriate in his comment than you are by implying my profile is \u201ccool\u201d.<\/p>\n

3.) \u00a0Don\u2019t insult what I enjoy.<\/h2>\n

I have had far, far too many individuals read my profile, see that my shallow life consists of running, hiking, camping, outdoorsy things, and (understandably) peeing outside. \u00a0Then they message<\/a> to tell me they hate all of these things. \u00a0Why on earth would I go camping when I could sleep in a bed? \u00a0And why would I go to the woods when the city has so much more to offer? \u00a0I am constantly informed that running is the worst thing anyone could possibly do to their body. \u00a0They personally would rather sell meth to school children then put a pair of running sneakers. \u00a0But maybe we should grab a beer sometime because I seem pretty down to earth.<\/p>\n

Oh, can we? \u00a0Can we really? \u00a0Because I would\u00a0absolutely<\/em>\u00a0love it if you could to shit on the few things I enjoy in life to my face. Please. \u00a0 That would be super fun and I\u2019m totally looking forward to it. \u00a0Insulting what I love is the equivalent of telling me they find my face pretty heinous but would love to grab a some dinner. \u00a0You down? \u00a0No. \u00a0No, I am most certainly not down.<\/p>\n

4.) Never give nicknames to people you don\u2019t know.<\/h2>\n

A recent study by Naturazi showed that using a person\u2019s name in conversation creates a culture of respect, recognition and consideration for the discussion.\u00a0 Messaging me \u201chey cutie\u201d and nothing else tells me you looked at my picture and sent me a message but you skipped over the rest. \u00a0In my mind you have confirmed you have the reading level of a fifth grader and yea, you could read my profile but you don\u2019t really have time because you\u2019re busy messaging baby names to people you don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

5.) Don\u2019t call me rude when we have never actually spoken.<\/h2>\n

If you message me and I don\u2019t respond, maybe that was my choice. \u00a0Maybe I read your message, checked out your profile, and superficially decided it wasn\u2019t meant to be. \u00a0Or maybe I was too busy working a full time job and changing my cat\u2019s litter box and I haven\u2019t gotten around to checking my messages. \u00a0You don\u2019t know what I do. \u00a0Therefore, you have zero right to send me a second message telling me how incredibly rude I am for ignoring you.<\/p>\n

Yea, I\u2019m a jerk. \u00a0I know this. \u00a0But if I read your profile and decide I\u2019m simply not interested in someone<\/a> who lists the six things they can\u2019t do without as\u00a0\u201cJesus, french fries, Jesus, hot showers, a comfy bed, and Jesus\u201d<\/em>\u00a0then that\u2019s my choice. \u00a0Why should I waste your time telling you I\u2019m not interested? \u00a0My lack of response is a clear indication that I don\u2019t have the same love for Jesus. \u00a0Or maybe I was binge eating ice cream while watching a Breaking Bad marathon. \u00a0Or maybe I\u2019m just an asshole. \u00a0Either way it\u2019s up to me and there is absolutely zero need to send me a second message pointing it out.<\/p>\n

6.) The aim to a successful message is to ask relevant questions.<\/h2>\n

If I say I like hiking, then ask me where I like to go hiking. \u00a0I respond to these people 97 percent of the time. \u00a0(The unanswered 3 percent are hard drug users or Jesus fanatics.) \u00a0And in typical online dating fashion, \u00a0I assume the best in everyone. \u00a0Why? Because nothing bad has ever happened to anyone who partook in online dating activities. \u00a0My responses to these insightful individuals are usually witty and contain the location of my favorite hiking trails, GPS coordinates included.<\/p>\n

7.) Actually read my profile.<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s only like two-hundred characters long. \u00a0Don\u2019t message me asking what food I like when 108 of my characters talk about how my diet consists of coffee, cheese, and ice cream.<\/p>\n

8.) Likewise, if you want someone to read your profile, it shouldn\u2019t take me 27 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.<\/p>\n

I will assume that you are equally as tiresome in person and stop after the first 233 lines. \u00a0I tried. \u00a0But anything over that is excessive.<\/p>\n

9.) Post a picture of yourself.<\/h2>\n

No one responds to profiles without photos. \u00a0NO ONE.<\/em>\u00a0 This is a hard rule here and I can confidential say it applies to 99.7% of the online dating population. \u00a0We all signed the contract saying we were creepy, so you might as well own it. \u00a0You could be heinous and maybe I dig that. But anything I assume in my head of how you appear when you have no picture<\/a> is far worse than any picture you could actually post. \u00a0You clearly are hiding something terrible. \u00a0You have to be. I have mentally formed a picture in my head of you having three nipples, one of which is on your left cheek. \u00a0Why else would you \u00a0have no profile \u00a0picture?<\/p>\n

10.) \u00a0Just tell me you enjoy peeing in the woods and you would like to do it with me sometime.<\/h2>\n

I will find you witty and admire the ownership you take in your creepiness. \u00a0It\u2019s a guaranteed way to ensure not only will I respond, but we will be fast friends. \u00a0Potentially soul mates.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Signing up for online dating is painful in the sense that you have to come to terms that you are strolling the internet to find people to touch you. \u00a0Essentially, part of you is telling the world that you are a creep, you accept it, and you\u2019re going to post personal photos as proof of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":620,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-849","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n10 Of My Personal Online Dating Rules - Make Your Relationship Work<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2020\/05\/10-of-my-personal-online-dating-rules.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"10 Of My Personal Online Dating Rules - 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