{"id":606,"date":"2019-09-13T16:10:42","date_gmt":"2019-09-13T16:10:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/?p=606"},"modified":"2019-09-13T16:10:42","modified_gmt":"2019-09-13T16:10:42","slug":"things-saying-im-sorry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2019\/09\/things-saying-im-sorry.html","title":{"rendered":"Things to Do When Saying I\u2019m Sorry"},"content":{"rendered":"

Whether you\u2019re dating, in a relationship, or simply trying to bag a shag, everyone screws up in life. It can be something silly like forgetting to pick up dinner, or it can be something more serious \u2013 like having an affair with your lover\u2019s boss.\u00a0Shit happens.\u00a0<\/em>Over the holiday season, I received a ton of \u00a0\u2019I screwed up\u2019 emails (was it the party booze?) And I think it\u2019s time I address them with an article.\u00a0The advice I\u2019m about to dish is applicable to all screw ups, not just the romantic themed. Apply it accordingly.<\/p>\n

So You Screwed Up. Oops.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shit happens.<\/em>\u00a0You\u00a0will<\/em>\u00a0make mistakes in life. What\u2019s important is that you learn from them and try your very best not to repeat them. But once they happen, how do you go about making things right? Below are 4 things you\u00a0must\u00a0<\/em>do in order to begin reconstruction.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Acknowledge it<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The number one thing you absolutely\u00a0have to\u00a0<\/em>do is acknowledge the fact you screwed up. Don\u2019t make excuses. Don\u2019t try and get the person to see where you\u2019re coming from. If this has been labeled a screw up, you\u2019re way past the point of no return, anyway. Take responsibility for your actions and admit what you did was wrong, shady, disgraceful, disgusting\u2026 whatever.<\/p>\n

    If you don\u2019t acknowledge your failure, your lovey won\u2019t acknowledge your apology.\u00a0How can you not even SEE that what you did was wrong?<\/em>\u00a0And that\u2019s no longer an attack on your actions, it\u2019s an attack on your character.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Acknowledge the person\u2019s reaction<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      People have a right to their emotions. If you hurt someone, you\u2019re not allowed to make them feel like shit for feeling a certain way. Sometimes all it takes is saying, \u201cI understand why you\u2019re upset.\u201d Your goal is to make things ok and bring the person closer, not push them further away.<\/p>\n

      Step 1 is to say, \u201cI know, I failed.\u201d Step 2 is, \u201cYou have every right to be angry at me. I completely understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

      If you don\u2019t do this, you risk making your partner feel too uncomfortable to accept your apology and embrace the healing process (Steps 3 and 4).<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Apologize\u2026\u00a0Really<\/em><\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        One of the\u00a0baddest things anyone can do when they screw up is not apologize. And by that I mean not\u00a0really\u00a0<\/em>apologize. The words not only have to come out, but they have to come out with a purpose; they have to sing remorse. A cold, heartless\u00a0\u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019<\/em>\u00a0does absolutely nothing but set you up for a loss \u2013 and possible ignite another fight.<\/p>\n

        If you can\u2019t\u00a0really<\/em>\u00a0apologize, steps 1 and 2 will come crumbling down; your credibility will be at stake and you\u2019ll forever be deemed an asshole.<\/p>\n

          \n
        1. Be vocal about the next step<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Ok great<\/em>. You\u2019re an asshole who screwed up, is sorry, and completely understands the consequences of his or her actions.\u00a0Fantastic<\/em>. Now what? You\u2019ve gotta present your plan of action:\u00a0How do you intend to fix this boo-boo?<\/em>\u00a0Your answer can be something as simple as, \u201cI plan on taking you out every Friday night,\u201d to something a little more, ahem, complex like, \u201cI will go to couple\u2019s counseling, work on our communication problems, and I\u2019ll stop having sex with your best friend.\u201d Regardless of the intensity, the plan has to be measurable in some way. That way, you\u2019re actually holding yourself accountable if you don\u2019t follow through. Your partner will also be more likely to accept your apology \u2013 and your proposal.<\/p>\n

          One Doesn\u2019t Work Without the Other 3<\/strong><\/p>\n

          I wrote the steps for people who are either dating or in a relationship, but they are applicable to the stupid\u00a0things you do in front of your crush, too. For example, did you get too sloshed at the holiday party and make a complete asshole of yourself?\u00a0It\u2019s okay:<\/em><\/p>\n

            \n
          • \u00a0Step 1, Acknowledge it \u2013 being able to laugh at yourself is pretty awesome<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • Step 2, Acknowledge the person\u2019s reaction \u2013 go with it. Attacking him for being grossed out at the table dance you did kind of defeats the purpose.<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • Step 3, Apologize..Really \u2013 Cater it to your specific situation. Apologize from it ever happening and if you need to lighten up the mood, apologize for not spending the time with your crush.<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • Step 4, Next Step \u2013 Ask for another chance and vow to stick to one Manhattan on your date.\u00a0See, measurable.<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

            I know. You\u2019re probably thinking that reading this was a waste of your time.\u00a0 But while the above 4 steps are\u00a0totally obvious,\u00a0<\/em>they\u2019re often overlooked. You want to get to the make up sex. You want to forget you ever screwed up in the first place. You want to get the fight over with so you skim through the steps. That\u2019s when shit resurfaces and fights are reignited. Just take responsibility for your actions, allow the person to feel what they feel, really apologize, and finally\u2026 promise to make it better.<\/p>\n

            That\u2019s usually all it takes.<\/p>\n

             <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

            Whether you\u2019re dating, in a relationship, or simply trying to bag a shag, everyone screws up in life. It can be something silly like forgetting to pick up dinner, or it can be something more serious \u2013 like having an affair with your lover\u2019s boss.\u00a0Shit happens.\u00a0Over the holiday season, I received a ton of \u00a0\u2019I…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":620,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-606","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nThings to Do When Saying I\u2019m Sorry - Make Your Relationship Work<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2019\/09\/things-saying-im-sorry.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Things to Do When Saying I\u2019m Sorry - Make Your Relationship Work\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Whether you\u2019re dating, in a relationship, or simply trying to bag a shag, everyone screws up in life. It can be something silly like forgetting to pick up dinner, or it can be something more serious \u2013 like having an affair with your lover\u2019s boss.\u00a0Shit happens.\u00a0Over the holiday season, I received a ton of \u00a0\u2019I…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2019\/09\/things-saying-im-sorry.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Make Your Relationship Work\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-09-13T16:10:42+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Alex Wise\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Things to Do When Saying I\u2019m Sorry - Make Your Relationship Work","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2019\/09\/things-saying-im-sorry.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Things to Do When Saying I\u2019m Sorry - Make Your Relationship Work","og_description":"Whether you\u2019re dating, in a relationship, or simply trying to bag a shag, everyone screws up in life. 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However I\u2019ve found the key to solving those problems and I\u2019m sharing it all here, so you don\u2019t have to go through years of trial and error like me. What is lifestyle development? Lifestyle development deals with every area of your life whether it\u2019s being relationships, finances, health or personal growth. The blog\u2019s aim is to help you create the amazing lifestyle that you want. Through my blog you will be able to follow my experiences and lessons. Articles and videos aimed to educate and motivate you into taking the necessary steps in getting the life you deserve. 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