{"id":308,"date":"2018-12-25T09:11:04","date_gmt":"2018-12-25T09:11:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/?p=308"},"modified":"2018-12-25T09:51:34","modified_gmt":"2018-12-25T09:51:34","slug":"lying-weight-online-dating-detective","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2018\/12\/lying-weight-online-dating-detective.html","title":{"rendered":"Lying About Their Weight? Be Your Own Online Dating Detective"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-309 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/411\/2018\/12\/rawpixel-804785-unsplash-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"rawpixel-804785-unsplash\" width=\"452\" height=\"301\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve ever been on an online date, you know that\u00a0something about your first date is going to surprise you. They\u2019re bound to be taller than you imagined them, or balder, or have a lisp, or be much \u2026 bigger \u2026 than their pictures suggested. This last in particular is a common complaint, and the refrain in online dating horror stories is more often than not, \u201cShe\/he must\u2019ve been a hundred pounds heavier than I expected!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When you first consider it, it just seems\u00a0<em>weird\u00a0<\/em>that people would misrepresent themselves online to people who they\u2019re planning to meet in person. (Do they think you\u2019re not going to\u00a0<em>notice\u00a0<\/em>that you\u2019re very different from your pictures?) But there are actually several factors at play. First, the internet can be a nasty place, and people already feel very vulnerable on dating sites.\u00a0<strong>No one wants to be ignored and rejected<\/strong>, so it can be tempting to put your best foot forward and leave the rest of your body out of it. Second, some people have extremely skewed body images. A girl who\u2019s recently gained a lot of weight might still see herself as a skinny college chick, or a guy who\u2019s packed on football season pounds might not bother to mention it because he knows he always loses it after the playoffs. Finally, online dating sites ask users to identify with vague descriptive words that have different meanings to different people. One guy\u2019s \u201ccurvy\u201d may be another guy\u2019s \u201cfew extra pounds,\u201d and \u00a0\u201cAthletic\u201d is a fair characterization of both a stick-skinny long-distance runner and a hulking competitive bodybuilder. Those descriptions ask people to describe themselves as they think other people see them \u2026 and this isn\u2019t always an easy task.<\/p>\n<p>There are definitely people online who misrepresent themselves intentionally, but\u00a0<strong>there are also lots of people who give you the wrong impression without even realizing they\u2019re doing it<\/strong>. One single man Alan mentioned that he looked different in his pictures since he lost 110 pounds by using body detoxification to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.takemedic.com\/detox-your-body-weight-loss\/\">lose weight naturally<\/a>. But it wasn\u2019t just the obvious weight loss that made a difference in how he looked. A term even exists to identify the phenomenon:\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.urbandictionary.com\/define.php?term=secret+internet+fatty\">Secret Internet Fatties<\/a>\u00a0(or SIFs) are one of the most oft-mentioned dangers of using popular dating sites. The title\u2019s not nice, but it indicates the widespread nature of the internet honesty problem.<\/p>\n<p>For all of the reasons listed above, online dating can require a lot of detective work. The most direct approach would be to ask your date straight up questions about their weight or request that they send you a full body shot, but this seems too forward or rude to many online daters. Instead, use these subtle tactics to get a clearer picture of what your online paramour looks like\u00a0<em>before<\/em>\u00a0you meet.<\/p>\n<h3>Identify Red Flags<\/h3>\n<p>Sometimes, you can clue in to whether or not someone is intentionally deceiving you by gathering clues from their profile. Look out for the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Trick Photography:\u00a0<\/strong>Profiles that are full of\u00a0Facebook angles (extreme angles taken from above, looking down) should raise the alarms. So should Fish Face (kissyfaced shots designed to create the illusion of hollower cheekbones.) Heavily, annoyingly Photoshopped pictures that disguise the person\u2019s natural appearance also fall under this category.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Lack of full body shot:\u00a0<\/strong>If your date has a profile with ten pictures and none of them are body shots (or their body shots appear to be from their high school prom), they may be misleading you. Body shots that crop out half of the body \u2013 making it impossible to see how wide said body is \u2013 are also bad news, as are close-ups. Girls who are carrying a few extra pounds sometimes show off the \u201cassets\u201d the extra weight gives them, but fail to post pics of their entire body, allowing you to imagine that those huge boobs come with a teeny tiny waist \u2026 just like in porn!<\/li>\n<li>Tendency to exaggerate or gloss over important facts: If you notice that your date embellishes certain facts or you\u2019ve caught them in outright lies before, you should expect that they\u2019re misrepresenting their appearance to you, too.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>Ask the Right Questions<\/h3>\n<p>You can gain lots of information about your date\u2019s appearance by asking simple, fact-based questions. You can\u2019t suss out someone\u2019s actual size or body type from asking one question, so be careful not to jump to conclusions. But asking a series of the right questions can help you gain insight into what sort of body they have, and (perhaps even more importantly) how they view their body and treat it.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Ask them when their pics were taken.<\/strong>You can do this with subtlety and tact. Ask them at what event a certain photo was taken, and get the details surrounding it. Then ask them to remind you when that event took place. (\u201cThis is at your sister\u2019s birthday party\u2026 last year, you said?\u201d) If one of their pictures looks particularly dated, ask them if that picture is older than the rest. Some people post one or two really old pics because they\u2019re flattering or because they have great memories associated with them. Asking is a quick way to figure out whether all of their snaps are from their glory days, or if there\u2019s just one oldie-but-goodie mixed in with recent shots.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask them about the physical activities they like to do.<\/strong>This one comes with a big flashing warning that\u00a0<em>some fat people do exercise<\/em>. Don\u2019t assume that a girl who mentions the gym is a hardbody (or that a guy who confesses to a homoerotic relationship with Ben &amp; Jerry is a tubbo, for that matter). You can ask specific questions about how often their soccer league trains or whether or not they think a hiking date would be fun to gauge their approach to fitness and health. You can also mention the sorts of activities you do yourself and see if they seem flabbergasted that\u00a0<em>anyone<\/em>\u00a0could run five miles or commit to hitting the gym twice a week.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask them what kind of clothing they like and where they shop.<\/strong>If a girl says she shops at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.avenue.com\/\">The Avenue<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.torrid.com\/\">Torrid<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lanebryant.com\/\">Lane Bryant<\/a>, she\u2019s telling you that she\u2019s size 14+. If she\u2019s vague about her clothing preferences, it might be because she just doesn\u2019t really care about fashion, or it might be that she doesn\u2019t want to fess up to shopping at Dress Barn. (Actual store. Ugh.). But the way someone talks about the clothing they wear can tell you a lot about their personal style and body image, and this can be hugely important. \u00a0(I know several guys who date primarily skinny girls, but they\u2019re happy to expand their boundaries for a sexy, confident bigger girl who dresses to kill and takes great care of herself.)<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask them about their favorite and least favorite physical features.<\/strong>This isn\u2019t really a first convo question, but if you\u2019ve already talked to someone a few times and are planning to meet, it\u2019s not out of line to flirtatiously boast about a feature you love about yourself and ask them what their favorite feature is. This gives them a chance to flirt and preen a little bit. If you follow up by asking about their least favorite feature, they may be more inclined to be honest because you\u2019ve given them a chance to boast before revealing a flaw. Some people will dodge this question, but others will be very frank. You can expect a lame, uninformative answer from a pretty high percentage of people, but there are also lots that will come right out and say, \u201cI inherited my mom\u2019s big ass\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve gained weight and I\u2019d really like to lose it.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>Encourage Honesty<\/h3>\n<p>If you still don\u2019t have a clear picture of your date\u2019s appearance, and you suspect that they may have something to hide, you can help them come clean to you by giving them good reasons to be honest. Here\u2019s how:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Make it clear the deceit is a HUGE turnoff.<\/strong>Many internet fibbers find themselves trapped in lies that they initially only told to protect themselves from public rejection and ridicule. (You would not\u00a0<em>believe<\/em>how cruel people can be to overweight or unattractive people on dating sites.) Once your date has misled you \u2014 either intentionally or accidentally \u2014 they may feel like it would be awkward to fess up after you\u2019ve already started talking, so they just wait until you meet in person. This is clearly the worst possible approach, but internet lies have a snowbally character, and it can be hard to find a good time to let someone know that their perception of you is incorrect.\u00a0<strong>Nip fibs in the bud by turning the conversation to what you each value most in a relationship, and making it clear that your number one priority is\u00a0<em>honesty<\/em>.<\/strong>\u00a0Tell your date that you\u2019ve run into lots of internet dishonesty in the past, and that you get why people lie online, but make it very clear that you think any fibs\u00a0<em>must<\/em>\u00a0be resolved before you meet someone in person. By reminding them that you don\u2019t expect perfection, but that being lied to is intolerable, you give them a very good reason to be honest with you about anything they might be fibbing about, and you also give them a very good opening to bring it up. You can even jokingly follow up with \u201cSo, if you have three eyeballs or anything, now\u2019s the time to tell me!\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>State your own preferences.\u00a0<\/strong>If you know that no matter what, you won\u2019t be comfortable dating someone overweight, make that clear to your date before you meet. Give them the chance to be honest with you by being totally up front about what you are attracted to and what\u2019s a dealbreaker. Remember that your statements should be framed as\u00a0<em>your<\/em>personal preference, not a moral judgment about a group of people you\u2019re not attracted to. (You can\u2019t expect someone to come clean to you about a few extra pounds when you\u2019ve ranted to them about how disgusting and lazy fat people are. Also, even if they\u2019re thin, their best friend may be overweight, and they\u2019re still going to think you\u2019re a Judgy McJudgerson.) When you\u2019re talking about sports or hobbies, say, \u201cFitness is hugely important to me. I have some friends who are overweight, and I have no problem with it, but I know I\u2019d have real trouble dating someone with a few extra pounds on unless they were committed to losing it. Do you know what I mean?\u201d By broaching the subject directly (but hypothetically) you\u2019re giving your date a great opening to be honest, and giving them a chance to avoid a potentially awkward situation.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask for more pictures.<\/strong>I\u2019ve been told by online daters that they\u2019re afraid to ask for more pics because they think it might be rude. It\u2019s not rude if you\u2019re actually planning to meet someone in person, since you\u2019ll know what they look like soon enough! Pictures are a preview, and nothing more. Be flattering and direct. Say, \u201cI love the pics you have on your profile. Do you have any more you could link or email me?\u201d Be polite, ask casually, and don\u2019t press the issue if they seem uncomfortable. If they decline to send more photos, say, \u201cNo problem.\u201d You\u2019re in no worse position than you were before you asked. If they do send you pics, you\u2019ve gotten even more info about how they look! Asking if they have any more pics shouldn\u2019t be awkward. It\u2019s win-win. You can also friend them on Facebook or ask for their MySpace address, as it\u2019s likely that they\u2019ll be tagged in pictures they didn\u2019t include in their online dating profile.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>When all else fails, Google them<\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>This may seem like a no-brainer to younger, techier types, but chances are that there\u2019s a plethora of information about your date available online.\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/blog.loveawake.com\/2018\/12\/24\/the-pros-and-cons-of-googling-your-date\/\">Google them <\/a>\u00a0using first\/last name and location, and see what comes up under the \u201cImages\u201d tab of your search.\u00a0 They may have photos posted publicly that aren\u2019t on their profile, and even if they don\u2019t, chances are you\u2019ll learn something about them that they haven\u2019t mentioned to you. (Whether or not you disclose the googling to your date is up to you. I find it flattering when a prospective date googles me, but other people are less comfortable with our show-and-tell world, so consider yourself warned!).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These tips should help you gain a more comprehensive picture of the person you\u2019re planning to meet. Remember to stay polite, honest and thoughtful, since that\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to help your date do! If you ask the right questions, pay attentions to the signals they\u2019re sending, and let them know that openness and honesty are important to you, you should have more than enough info about your date to feel comfortable going into the first meeting.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve ever been on an online date, you know that\u00a0something about your first date is going to surprise you. They\u2019re bound to be taller than you imagined them, or balder, or have a lisp, or be much \u2026 bigger \u2026 than their pictures suggested. This last in particular is a common complaint, and the&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":620,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-308","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Lying About Their Weight? 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Be Your Own Online Dating Detective - Make Your Relationship Work","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2018\/12\/lying-weight-online-dating-detective.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Lying About Their Weight? Be Your Own Online Dating Detective - Make Your Relationship Work","og_description":"If you\u2019ve ever been on an online date, you know that\u00a0something about your first date is going to surprise you. They\u2019re bound to be taller than you imagined them, or balder, or have a lisp, or be much \u2026 bigger \u2026 than their pictures suggested. 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I\u2019ve been studying social dynamics and personal development for the last 15 years. I\u2019ve helped men in meeting women. I\u2019ve helped men reaching their goals in life and I\u2019ve helped myself develop the lifestyle that I want. You can learn all that and draw from my experience through my blog. Why should you read this blog? The goal is simply giving you the tools and knowledge in how you can change your life and create the lifestyle that you want. Do you want to improve your dating life? Do you have goals you don\u2019t know how to reach? Do you feel that your life is boring and feel stuck? I will share my years of experience and knowledge in exactly those areas. Areas in the past which I had trouble with too. However I\u2019ve found the key to solving those problems and I\u2019m sharing it all here, so you don\u2019t have to go through years of trial and error like me. What is lifestyle development? Lifestyle development deals with every area of your life whether it\u2019s being relationships, finances, health or personal growth. The blog\u2019s aim is to help you create the amazing lifestyle that you want. Through my blog you will be able to follow my experiences and lessons. Articles and videos aimed to educate and motivate you into taking the necessary steps in getting the life you deserve. I am also a freelance editor and writer for Loveawake.com dating site.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/author\/awise"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/308","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/620"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=308"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/308\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":314,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/308\/revisions\/314"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=308"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=308"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=308"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}