{"id":1638,"date":"2021-05-18T14:28:30","date_gmt":"2021-05-18T14:28:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/?p=1638"},"modified":"2021-05-18T14:28:47","modified_gmt":"2021-05-18T14:28:47","slug":"the-ultimate-guide-for-dealing-with-ex-boyfriends-and-ex-girlfriends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2021\/05\/the-ultimate-guide-for-dealing-with-ex-boyfriends-and-ex-girlfriends.html","title":{"rendered":"The Ultimate Guide for Dealing with Ex-Boyfriends and Ex-Girlfriends"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-1644 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/411\/2021\/05\/sam-rios-FuceVp4ak3Y-unsplash-350x234.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"494\" height=\"329\" \/><\/p>\n<p>An issue that often arises in the early parts of a relationship is whether or not it\u2019s okay to be friends with your ex\u2014or whether it\u2019s okay for your partner to stay friends with an ex. This is a full-length article , so feel free to fast forward to the parts that are relevant to your particular situation.<\/p>\n<p>Before I launch into giving advice, it\u2019s important to get our terms straight.<\/p>\n<h2><strong><u>Key Terms for Dealing with Exes<\/u><\/strong><\/h2>\n<p><strong>An Ex:<\/strong>\u00a0An ex is anyone that you have dated and\/or had sex with (or someone you made out with once but really, really wish you had had sex with). The two involved parties will not always have had a title, so you cannot depend on a definition that hinges on the person having been your \u201cgirlfriend\u201d or \u201cboyfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>A Friend:<\/strong>\u00a0A friend is someone you enjoy spending time with, confide in, and can be genuinely happy for when they are in a relationship. A friend is someone whose <a href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2018\/12\/man-attractive-hes-wearing-wedding-ring.html\">wedding<\/a> you can attend without feeling awkward, sad, or angry. You can double date with them, and you do not want to have sex with them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Staying friends:<\/strong>\u00a0Staying friends includes such activities as talking and texting on the phone, emailing, hanging out, confiding in one another, and generally having fun together. Friends sit around and do nothing, go out to the movies, go out to dinner, laugh, argue, and cry together.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Getting caught up:<\/strong>\u00a0Even if your partner does not want to be friends with their ex, there are all kinds of ways they can still be emotionally, physically, and financially involved with their ex. I (and many other people) call this \u201cgetting caught up\u201d. Getting caught up includes situations like an ex who continues to contact you (and sometimes your partner), a boyfriend who is financially supporting his ex-girlfriend, and a girlfriend who has to (or chooses to) work on projects at work with her ex. Getting caught up is different from \u201cstaying friends\u201d but can be solved in a similar way.<\/p>\n<h2><strong><u>Why do people want to stay friends with their exes?<\/u><\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>I myself have been all the parties in the ex-turned-friend situation:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>The Greedy Diva or The Hedging Dater:\u00a0<\/strong><em>The person with a new partner who wants to stay friends with their ex-partner.<\/em>This is the person who deep down is not completely sure how much they like their new partner or are unsure about how long the new relationship will last. Whether she realizes it or not, the Greedy Diva wants to maintain the relationship with her ex, because this is someone she\u00a0<em>knows\u00a0<\/em>loves her\u2014or at least used to love her\u2026maybe. If it turns out that her new partner does not accept her for who she is, she can always turn to her Na\u00efve Nice Guy for validation (and a quick hook-up).<\/li>\n<li><strong>The Duped Damsel or The Na\u00efve Nice Guy:\u00a0<\/strong><em>The partner to a person who wants to stay friends with their ex-partner.<\/em>This is the person who is frustrated with their partner\u2019s friendship with their ex but is shy and confused about how to bring up their discomfort with their partner staying friends with an ex. They don\u2019t understand why their new partner feels the need to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2019\/04\/improve-communication-relationship.html\">stay in contact<\/a> with the person: \u201cIsn\u2019t this the guy who stood you up on your anniversary?\u201d \u201cIsn\u2019t this the woman who broke up with you because your haircut was ugly?\u201d The Duped Damsel and the Na\u00efve Nice Guy often resort to passive aggression out of a feeling of helplessness concerning their partner\u2019s insistence on staying friends with their ex.<\/li>\n<li><strong>The Woman in Waiting or The Side Man:\u00a0<\/strong><em>The ex-partner who wants to stay friends with their ex-partner who now has a new partner.<\/em>This is the person who has not completely gotten over the terminated relationship. He or she will hold on to the relationship\u2014even when their partner has moved on. They convince themselves that they can handle being\u201d just friends\u201d with their ex, but if they got invited to their ex\u2019s wedding, they would have a major freak-out.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><strong><u>But Why Can\u2019t We Be Friends?<\/u><\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>If you are the Greedy Diva or the Hedging Dater, do not give me, your partner, or yourself the excuse that you want to stay friends with your ex because they were such a great person you cannot imagine living your life without them. Or that since the two of you separated amicably, there\u2019s no reason you should not be able to stay friends. If you are looking for your life partner, the person you are dating should be the best candidate for a person you cannot live without\u2014not your ex. Staying friends with your ex can jeopardize your relationship in several ways:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>You will be tempted to compare your new partner to your ex-turned-friend.<\/strong>\u201cShe didn\u2019t nag me as much.\u201d Or \u201cHe always bought me flowers. Why don\u2019t you?\u201d If you are dating someone exclusively, you have forfeited all rights to compare them to other people. (However, if you are dating casually, I encourage you to date several people at one time, and compare them, but keep these <a href=\"https:\/\/blog.loveawake.com\/2020\/05\/04\/is-comparing-yourself-to-others-holding-you-back\/\">comparisons to yourself<\/a>.)<\/li>\n<li><strong>You may be tempted to cheat with this person when the relationship gets difficult or unsatisfying.\u00a0<\/strong>None of us thinks that we are thieves, but if a delivery guy was standing at your door holding a steamy pre-paid pizza and you\u2019re still starving after having eaten an unsatisfying, wilted salad, you may just let the pizza man believe that he\u2019s at the right house instead of correcting his mistake. That was a long, complicated way of saying that if the circumstances are right, even very \u201cgood\u201d people can find themselves in compromising situations.<\/li>\n<li><strong>You will continue to invest time and energy into a relationship that is not sustainable.<\/strong>You need your friends to confide to about the difficult relationship issues that will inevitably arise. Seeking advice from an ex is not only inappropriate\u2014it\u2019s counterproductive. You are simultaneously bonding with your ex over griping about your current partner as well as building a relationship with someone who might dip at any moment\u2014when they finally see the light and realize they are being the Na\u00efve Nice Guy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><strong>Here\u2019s what you should do depending on if you are\u2026<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><strong>The Greedy Diva or The Hedging Dater:<\/strong>\u00a0Release the need to have a \u201csure bet\u201d. This new relationship may blow up in your face just like the last one\u2014or it could turn into a serious, rewarding, lifelong relationship with your perfect math (of course there are options in between, but ya\u2019ll know I\u2019m dramatic). However, your relationship\u2019s development and growth will always be stunted if you are not fully present in your relationship, if your partner does not feel like you are 100% committed to them, and if you are trying to balance and spread your energy across multiple romantic interests (whether you admit that they are romantic interests are not). When Q asked me to break up with my \u201c17 other boyfriends\u201d, I did so without hesitation because I wanted our relationship to work. You can\u2019t hedge your bets once you\u2019ve said yes to being someone\u2019s boyfriend or girlfriend. Hedging is a great strategy when you\u2019re casually dating, but terrible once you have committed to someone. So, Heding Daters, here is your to-do list:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Have a frank, concise chat with your ex:\u00a0<\/strong>\u201cSasha, I think you\u2019re a great person and you have been a good friend to me. However, I\u2019m really excited about my new relationship, and I don\u2019t want to do anything to jeopardize it, so I\u2019m going to say goodbye now. I wish you all the best in life. Goodbye.\u201d Do not justify yourself to your ex. Do not negotiate with them. Keep it short and get off the phone quickly.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Unfriend them on Facebook.<\/strong>This is an important step. You do not want to tempt yourself to check up on them by reading their feed or tempt them by letting them monitor what you and your partner are up to.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Remove their number from your phone.\u00a0<\/strong>We all know how easily drunk dialing can creep up on us. Don\u2019t even give yourself the option.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Mourn the loss of the friend.\u00a0<\/strong>Saying goodbye to a friend is not easy, but it must be done if you truly want to move on. If crying, yelling, journaling, etc. will help you truly move past the friendship, do all these things (in private\u2014not in front of your partner). You need to do what it takes to get over this relationship.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Don\u2019t ever mention them again to your partner.<\/strong>The friendship with your ex is now a distant memory. Do not bring it up with nostalgia like your puppy who died when you were 9. Do not brag about it like the Dad in\u00a0<em>Married With Children<\/em>\u00a0thinking with fondness about being awarded his Heismann trophy. Treat the foregone relationship like a past life as a stripper. It\u2019s something you don\u2019t mention because it has no relevance to who you are today and what you are trying to accomplish.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>The Duped Damsel or the Na\u00efve Nice Guy:<\/strong>\u00a0You deserve to date someone who is 100% committed to you. First, say this to your partner:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI am really enjoying how our relationship is developing. I think we\u2019re getting closer, and learning more about one another. One thing that is bothering me though is that you are still friends with your ex-girlfriend. I\u2019m not saying she is a bad person, but I want to be your best girl friend. It would mean a lot to me if you would let that relationship go so our relationship can really develop without the noise and interference of past relationships. Is that something you will do for me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If your partner insists on staying friends with their ex, you should say:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour insistence on staying friends with your ex makes me think that you are not completely over the relationship. If you are not sure about who you really want to be with, I would rather you take the time to figure that out before we take our relationship any further.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This sounds like an ultimatum, and I guess it kind of is. However, it is something that you have to mean and should not feel \u201cbad\u201d about saying. It\u2019s important that in any relationship you never be afraid to walk away from the relationship if you are not being treated with the respect you deserve. You do not have to be dramatic about it. You are just making it clear that you expect to be treated with a certain level of respect. Do not turn this into an argument. Simply look your partner in the eye, say the two lines above without being accusatory, and change the subject. Your partner will get the point\u2014and you will avoid an argument.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Woman in Waiting or The Na\u00efve Nice Guy:<\/strong>\u00a0You deserve to have your own relationship\u2014rather than being the sidekick to someone else\u2019s. The great thing about realizing you are the Woman in Waiting or The Na\u00efve Nice Guy is that you do not really\u00a0<em>have\u00a0<\/em>to say anything to anyone. They will get the message when you drop out of their orbit (and Facebook feed and stop answering their calls). However, if you feel the need to achieve closure, you can say:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve enjoyed our friendship, but I think that it\u2019s better that we not be friends now that you are in a new relationship. I want you to be happy, and I also want to get on with my life, so I\u2019m going to say goodbye now. Goodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I advised the Hedging Dater, do not leave the decision up for discussion. Just like breakups, ending a friendship can be a one-sided decision.<\/p>\n<h4><strong>Conclusion<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>The first few months of a new relationship are often very fragile\u2014even when there are not outside people influencing the relationship. If you are truly serious about seeing if the person you are dating is your life partner, both of you have to be willing to cut out the lovers of your past. As your relationship strengthens and the issues and decisions involved get more complex, you will be relieved that you have one less pair of eyes scrutinizing you and one less voice giving their two cents. Release the past now and commit to making the most of the present. That way, you can say you gave the relationship a fighting chance and your entire effort\u2014instead of hedging your bets, being a doormat, or being the stand-by.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>An issue that often arises in the early parts of a relationship is whether or not it\u2019s okay to be friends with your ex\u2014or whether it\u2019s okay for your partner to stay friends with an ex. This is a full-length article , so feel free to fast forward to the parts that are relevant to&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":620,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[61],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-relationship-advice"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Ultimate Guide for Dealing with Ex-Boyfriends and Ex-Girlfriends - Make Your Relationship Work<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/2021\/05\/the-ultimate-guide-for-dealing-with-ex-boyfriends-and-ex-girlfriends.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Ultimate Guide for Dealing with Ex-Boyfriends and Ex-Girlfriends - Make Your Relationship Work\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"An issue that often arises in the early parts of a relationship is whether or not it\u2019s okay to be friends with your ex\u2014or whether it\u2019s okay for your partner to stay friends with an ex. 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I\u2019m Alex. I\u2019m just a normal guy like any other guy. But what makes me different, is what makes you want to keep your eye out for my blog. I\u2019ve been studying social dynamics and personal development for the last 15 years. I\u2019ve helped men in meeting women. I\u2019ve helped men reaching their goals in life and I\u2019ve helped myself develop the lifestyle that I want. You can learn all that and draw from my experience through my blog. Why should you read this blog? The goal is simply giving you the tools and knowledge in how you can change your life and create the lifestyle that you want. Do you want to improve your dating life? Do you have goals you don\u2019t know how to reach? Do you feel that your life is boring and feel stuck? I will share my years of experience and knowledge in exactly those areas. Areas in the past which I had trouble with too. However I\u2019ve found the key to solving those problems and I\u2019m sharing it all here, so you don\u2019t have to go through years of trial and error like me. What is lifestyle development? Lifestyle development deals with every area of your life whether it\u2019s being relationships, finances, health or personal growth. The blog\u2019s aim is to help you create the amazing lifestyle that you want. Through my blog you will be able to follow my experiences and lessons. Articles and videos aimed to educate and motivate you into taking the necessary steps in getting the life you deserve. I am also a freelance editor and writer for Loveawake.com dating site.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/author\/awise"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/620"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1638"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1650,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions\/1650"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/makeyourrelationshipwork\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}