Have you ever been drawn into a fight with a loved one where \u2013 by the time you got knee-deep into who’s \u201cright\u201d and who’s \u201cwrong\u201d \u2013 maybe over the most trivial of matters \u2013 it felt as if, somehow, your very life depended on the outcome of that fight?<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve all had moments like this, perhaps too many times; which is why it seems strange that we\u2019ve yet to see the following: there’s no such thing as a \u201cwinning\u201d side in any fight between two people who love one another, anymore than one seat proved itself better than another on the deck of the Titanic.<\/p>\n
This isn’t to say that there aren\u2019t, and won’t always be differences in opinion between our partner and us; this is natural; needed, actually. There will always be some differences between us that aren\u2019t a question of which of us is right \u2013 or wrong \u2013 as the case may be; rather there may come times when a disagreement might be over the best course to take for the well-being of a child, or over some other shared concern…where we see a different path than does our partner in order to reach an outcome that both of us agree is for the good of all. So, to that end, let us agree that there\u2019s a big distinction between working through our differences \u2013 creating together a choice that\u2019s palatable to both of us \u2013 versus trying to shove what we believe is right down the throat of our partner.<\/p>\n
Our demands never prove we\u2019re right, anymore than our negativity proves our partner is wrong. The only thing this kind of stress and strain between us proves is that we’re missing at least one piece of the puzzle in that struggle with our partner.<\/p>\n
Again, what\u2019s the missing piece? We can call it \u201clove.\u201d But if the word \u2013 or even the ideal \u2013 had the power to hold us together when everything feels like it\u2019s trying to pull us apart \u2013 especially in the throes of a fight \u2013 then all we would have to do is call up that word, and our world would suddenly be right.<\/p>\n
To be clear: love is not just a word; it\u2019s an action. It\u2019s a choice we agree to make when we see \u2013 by the light of a higher order of understanding \u2013 that there\u2019s something more important at stake in that moment than struggling to satisfy our own self-centered interests.<\/p>\n
In this instance, one such new action would be to use the onset of any conflict, regardless of who initiates it…to fight for something higher than who will be the next \u201cking of the hill.\u201d In other words, rather than fighting with your partner, fight instead to remember how destructive it is to your love to tear into one another…over anything.<\/p>\n
Let me anticipate what you may be feeling at this point, and answer that fear: Don\u2019t fight to \u201cget on top\u201d of any thought that tries to tell you, warn you, \u201cBut, if I don\u2019t fight back, my partner will walk all over me.\u201d Instead fight to see how much pain there is in any compulsion \u2013 whether your partner\u2019s, or your own \u2013 to have the last word. Then you won’t want to win that kind of power for yourself, and neither will you want to punish your partner for the same.<\/p>\n
If we will dare to interrupt the usual pattern of fighting with our partner \u2013 pause just long enough to even consider this new action \u2013 we will see in that same moment what love has been wanting to show us all along: any argument with our partner \u2013 where one of us is trying to prove we\u2019re right, and the other wrong \u2013 is not because we know \u201cbetter,\u201d and it\u2019s certainly not born of love. In these moments, we fight for one reason, and for one reason only no matter how you want to call it: love is absent.<\/p>\n
In a way, this is all we need to know, all we need to see, because when that telling moment comes we won\u2019t be tempted to start looking for yet another false solution. If we see, no matter how dimly, that love is the only answer, then we know our new response must be to refuse to fight.<\/p>\n
On another note: yes, it\u2019s likely that your partner won’t understand what you\u2019re trying to do, and may still want to fight. But, eventually, they\u2019ll see how useless it is to pick a fight when they can\u2019t find the \u201cold you\u201d to fight with. Each time you choose to leave them there with their enmity, but with no \u201cenemy\u201d to legitimize it, they\u2019ll have little choice but to let it go, whatever \u201cit\u201d is in that moment. This may take a while, but you\u2019ll soon see the birth of an altogether new relationship between the two of you.<\/p>\n
http:\/\/www.relationshipmagicbook.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Have you ever been drawn into a fight with a loved one where \u2013 by the time you got knee-deep into who’s \u201cright\u201d and who’s \u201cwrong\u201d \u2013 maybe over the most trivial of matters \u2013 it felt as if, somehow, your very life depended on the outcome of that fight? We\u2019ve all had moments like…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":232,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[73,8],"tags":[3104,3148,3147,3150,3149],"class_list":["post-6089","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love-relationships","category-negative-states","tag-arguing","tag-difference-of-opinion","tag-fighting","tag-healing-relationship","tag-love-in-action"],"yoast_head":"\n