Whenever we\u2019re filled with blame, unable to see anything but one side, \u201cour side,\u201d of the story…<\/p>\n
…Any time all we can hear is some part of ourselves \u201ctelling\u201d us why our partner must pay for our pain…<\/p>\n
…In these, and in any moment where we find ourselves set against the one we love, we have been rendered effectively blind to a bigger story that we can\u2019t see, even though it\u2019s right before our eyes: the pain in these moments isn\u2019t just mine, and neither is it just yours; it exists as it does because \u2013 one way or another \u2013 we\u2019re (in it) together; which means…it is <\/em>ours. <\/em><\/p>\n If we could become conscious of this invisible similarity, be aware of how our partner suffers just as we do \u2013 even though their suffering may name itself differently than does ours in that moment \u2013 then we could no longer be played against one another.<\/p>\n We\u2019d be unable to say hurtful, heartless things, or take some unkind, thoughtless stand. In this awareness of our secret similarity not only is it given to us to know some measure of our partner\u2019s pain but, because of this higher relationship, we could no more wish them more of that suffering than we would wish it upon ourselves.<\/p>\n I know that these last ideas are a lot to take in, especially given what is likely, for many of us, a history with partners past or present replete with unresolved bitterness. So, it\u2019s more than possible at this point that you may be thinking something like:<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be kidding! I can barely deal with the pain I’m already in, especially in the throes of some familiar argument with my partner. So, why on earth would I want to realize, let alone share a measure of their suffering?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n The answer is as beautifully simple as it is remarkable for its compassion: anytime we know someone else is suffering, and have some awareness of that pain as being the same as our own \u2013 we cannot add to it.<\/p>\n Love won’t let us<\/em>.<\/p>\n This power of being unconditionally kind towards those who unconsciously hurt us is just one<\/em>of the gifts of higher love. In a way, it gives our heart \u201ceyes\u201d that can see what they were blind to before.<\/p>\n For example, by its light we\u2019re able to see that the needs of our partner are really the same as our own, an insight that makes it impossible to mistake their pain as being somehow less important than our own. So that now when our partner dumps on us a pain they don\u2019t know what to do with \u2013 demanding we pay for a suffering they only know to blame on us \u2013 we\u2019re able to do what before would have been impossible:<\/p>\n Without any outward announcement to mark this moment, instead of being dragged into some too-familiar fight, we say, silently, to our partner the healing words we learned earlier, \u201cThis one is on me.\u201d<\/p>\n