Whenever we get caught up in some pain\u2014and start complaining or crying about it\u2014we actually believe (albeit totally unconsciously) that what we are telling others and ourselves is based in reality itself. In these same moments our stated belief\u2014that we are somehow inescapably compromised\u2014or impossibly incomplete\u2014is strengthened because someone is looking at us and sending along the unspoken message, \u201cOh yes, poor you!\u201d<\/p>\n
But, if we wish to break free of any such codependent pattern, we must take a deliberate step back from our own practiced stage performance, and choose instead to witness what\u2019s actually taking place as a result of our act.<\/p>\n
For example, we must see that whenever we consent to, or otherwise agree with anyone\u2019s dark assessment of his or her life, we are effectively telling this person, \u201cYes, that is true and, sad to say, what else can you do besides lament in the way you do?\u201d\u00a0 Our actions and sentiment hide a secret message that silently says: \u201cSure . . . given your present conditions I understand the prison you are in; it\u2019s only natural for you to feel like a captive!\u201d<\/p>\n
But the real reason we lend this willing ear to others (who depend\u00a0<\/em>upon us to believe in their story) isn\u2019t because we\u2019re really that\u00a0<\/em>concerned, or otherwise compassionate. Truth be told, the underlying motive behind our appearance\u2013\u2013dare we choose to see it\u2013\u2013tells another story altogether.<\/p>\n We enable others in situations like these because we\u2019re afraid of how negatively they\u2019ll react if we don\u2019t agree with their side of the sad story<\/em>. Implicit, but never spoken in all such conversations between secret codependents, is something like this:<\/p>\n \u201cLook, what I am telling you now is true, so whatever else you may do, don\u2019t challenge this view I have of my life. And if you don\u2019t agree with my conclusions, then I will take your noncompliance as a threat, and treat you accordingly.\u201d<\/p>\n Haven\u2019t we all been on both sides of uncomfortable moments such as these? Of course we have, which sets the stage for the following key lesson:<\/p>\n The self that feels itself at risk in these times\u2014the unsure self that not only looks for, but attaches itself to codependent relationships\u2014cannot possibly be the real you.<\/em><\/p>\n Let\u2019s see why this has to be true:<\/p>\n Who you really are, your True Self quietly knows that you are here on this earth to grow, to realize through life\u2019s innumerable lessons your own highest possibilities. We all feel this constant nudge to know the truth of who and what we are in reality; it\u2019s a tireless longing for that touch of some greatness not yet known, but never far from sight. And since the existence of this higher self-possibility is universally, timelessly acknowledged as being true, then it follows: your life is not\u2014cannot be\u2014about agreeing to live with self-imposed limitations.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The suffering inherent in any painful, or otherwise codependent relationship, is due to one thing: it is the destructive effect of our having forgotten who we really are<\/em>. Why else would we so anxiously seek the approval of others as the measure of our worth or, conversely, be so easily crushed by someone who withholds a smile from us? When we don\u2019t know who we are, we look to anyone, everyone\u00a0<\/em>to tell us; accordingly we are defined and\u2014without ever knowing what\u2019s happened to us, we find ourselves confined by our (unconscious) consent to see and to value ourselves through the eyes of others.<\/p>\n