{"id":730,"date":"2011-05-09T12:02:46","date_gmt":"2011-05-09T16:02:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=730"},"modified":"2011-04-08T16:00:51","modified_gmt":"2011-04-08T20:00:51","slug":"people-pleasing-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/05\/people-pleasing-habits.html","title":{"rendered":"People Pleasing Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hear from many people who say they live in DoorMatville like I did years ago. They very much want to leave and become an empowered person but struggle trying to do it. I want to reassure you that if I could do it, anyone can, as long as you have patience. It can take time, like making any other changes in your life. First it\u2019s important to identify the biggest factors that keep you there. Like most people, mine was a need to be liked by everyone. People pleasers want to keep people around at all costs. That cost is usually sacrificing their happiness to make others happy.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I believe this comes from a fear that you’ll be lonely if you alienate those around you by putting yourself and your needs first.<\/p>\n

When I was in school I had tons of friends. I was a people pleaser back then but so were most of my friends so it was a more level playing field. We were just a bunch of girls trying to find our way and feel secure. But as I got older, my insecurity deepened and my people pleasing escalated at that same rate. I became scared to stand up to people or say no when I wanted to. This is common as evidenced by what I hear from my readers, but it doesn\u2019t make it right for you.<\/p>\n

DoorMats often complain that people don\u2019t treat them right or return their kindness but keep on giving anyway.<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s what I did until I slowly began to stop my over-giving patterns. I didn\u2019t become empowered overnight. It took many years to get to where I am now. As I enjoyed my progress and feeling more in control of my life, I continued making changes. My journey out of DoorMatville had two stages. I\u2019d begun to appreciate me, and what I had to offer, when I was still married. Slowly I began to say no to requests I didn\u2019t want to do. When I was strong enough, I got divorced and went out on my own.<\/p>\n

I call myself a recovering DoorMat because many situations can trigger old fear or insecurity and we can turn to old habits of pleasing<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Yes, pleasing becomes a bad habit when it\u2019s done for a good part of your life. I reverted to it many times over the years. And you know what? It\u2019s okay, as long as you can catch yourself and begin to break the habit again. Ingrained habits can be hard to break. Being a DoorMat can seem like a safety zone when you\u2019ve used it for a good part of your life. I still occasionally revert to old habits and become too agreeable with someone I want to like me or in situations that make me nervous. Fortunately, I\u2019ve got good defenses too and pull myself out quickly. But I didn\u2019t at the beginning.<\/p>\n

Start by doing one thing differently.<\/strong> Turn down one request. Express what you really think to one person.<\/p>\n

On Friday I\u2019ll talk about how going cold turkey on people helped me to learn how to be happy in my own company and cleanse my life of people who used me, kind of like throwing your cigarettes away to break a smoking habit. You don\u2019t have to go as drastic as me but it really helped me break my people pleasing habits. Awareness is key. Write down why you think you try so hard to please others. For me it was mainly fear of loneliness. There were other factors too but they revolved around not wanting to lose people and be alone.<\/p>\n

Then ask yourself if making others happy is worth you\u2019re not being happy<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

As I became more conscious that I wanted to be happy and people pleasing wasn\u2019t getting me anywhere but more miserable, I paid attention to my response to people and made small changes. I had to take myself off of \u201cYes\u201d auto-pilot to break the habit. Get into the habit of not responding immediately to requests. Say you\u2019ll let them know or at least give yourself time to think about whether it\u2019s something you want to do. Then take the plunge and say the first \u201cno.\u201d I finally accepted I was already unhappy so what was I risking??<\/p>\n

When you pay attention and decide to begin to break your habits of being acquiescent, you say a big, fat, \u201cI love me!\u201d<\/strong> That was the beginning of the beautiful self-love I have now. You can have it too when you accept it\u2019s your choice to be agreeable, and you can choose to change it by breaking the people pleasing habit, one person and one act at a time.
\n*****************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I hear from many people who say they live in DoorMatville like I did years ago. They very much want to leave and become an empowered person but struggle trying to do it. I want to reassure you that if I could do it, anyone can, as long as you have patience. It can take…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[44,43],"class_list":["post-730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-doormat-syndrome","tag-people-pleasing"],"yoast_head":"\nPeople Pleasing Habits - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/05\/people-pleasing-habits.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"People Pleasing Habits - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I hear from many people who say they live in DoorMatville like I did years ago. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=730"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/730\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1442,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/730\/revisions\/1442"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}