{"id":687,"date":"2011-06-10T12:01:01","date_gmt":"2011-06-10T16:01:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=687"},"modified":"2011-04-18T20:01:16","modified_gmt":"2011-04-19T00:01:16","slug":"paper-your-fears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/06\/paper-your-fears.html","title":{"rendered":"Paper Your Fears"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>We all have fear sometimes, some of us more than others. Since life can be unpredictable, things come up that you don\u2019t expect and can create anxiety. Even with all my faith I still occasionally get scared, especially by situations that come from left field that I\u2019m not prepared for. You can\u2019t get rid of fear. Burying what scares you can come back to bite you later when it surfaces during a weak moment.<\/p>\n

I went through all of this when I was a DoorMat. Back then I was driven by fear. I didn\u2019t know what would happen if the things that scared me happened. It was irrational and self-defeating. Deep down I knew that but didn\u2019t know what to do. Fear freezes us in whatever place we\u2019re at. When I knew I wanted to leave DoorMatville, I knew I had to start taking control of fear and stop letting it control me.<\/p>\n

The fear ball is in your court. Do you control it or let it take control of your actions and decisions.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always found writing a great tool for handling emotions that get out of control<\/strong> so I got some paper and began writing down what scared me, what scared me about it, and other details. I kept elaborating on the last sentence until my fear and what really scared me became clearer. I got over my fear of saying no by doing this. My list went something like this:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m afraid to say no to Susan because she might get angry at me.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIf she gets angry she may not talk to me.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIf she stops talking to me I may lose her permanently as a friend.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe may say negative things about me to other people.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThey may believe her.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThen they may leave me too.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI may end up alone if I say no to Susan!\u201d<\/p>\n

Write without thinking. Just let it flow. When you read it back, you may realize that most of what scares you is unlikely to happen, or plain old absurd. When I read the above list back I accepted that if she stopped talking to me because I couldn\u2019t do her a favor, she wasn\u2019t a real friend and I didn\u2019t need her. And I doubted other friends would blow me off for just saying no if I was busy, and have a right to be. As I rationally read the list it hit me how irrational my fear was and said no. Susan didn\u2019t like it but we\u2019re still friends and she got used to my boundaries and now accepts them.<\/p>\n

Write down what scares you in minute details. Dissect the fear to see what you\u2019re really afraid of.<\/strong><\/p>\n

If Susan stopped speaking to me I realized I\u2019d be okay. That allowed me to take the risk. Continue your list till you find the worst case scenario. Then decide if it’s worth avoiding. Even if you wouldn\u2019t like it, it might be worth taking a chance. When you see your fears on paper it can diffuse the strength of them and you might be able to take control. Writing them down can sort truth from wild imagination, which fear can stir up. <\/strong><\/p>\n

If everyone who was afraid of something stayed put, nobody would move forward. Put your fears on paper and figure out how you can navigate situations that scare you instead of hiding from them. Every time you control your response to fear, you empower yourself a bit more. Each fear block you overcome is another step toward a more fulfilling life. I know because I had to get over a magnitude of fear to get where I am today. And it was truly worth the effort to be so happy and satisfied with my life.<\/p>\n

Fear created the bars of the invisible jail I put myself in to keep me from leaving DoorMatville. So if there\u2019s something you\u2019re afraid of that keeps you from taking a risk or doing something you really want to do or just moving forward with your life in general, put it all on paper.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What scares you?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s the worst that can happen if it comes true?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Can I handle it?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Is it worth not trying?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What can I do to make it more comfortable?<\/p>\n

As you write, really think about each answer. Often when we see our fears in writing we realize it\u2019s not nearly as bad as our imaginations made us think. While taking that step forward can be scary, it\u2019s usually do-able, even if it involves a bit of discomfort. Distinguish between too risky and uncomfortable. You can do uncomfortable. The rewards are worth it! And, it says, “I love me!”<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We all have fear sometimes, some of us more than others. Since life can be unpredictable, things come up that you don\u2019t expect and can create anxiety. Even with all my faith I still occasionally get scared, especially by situations that come from left field that I\u2019m not prepared for. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=687"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1686,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687\/revisions\/1686"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=687"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=687"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=687"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}