{"id":67,"date":"2009-10-10T18:14:00","date_gmt":"2009-10-10T18:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2009\/10\/keeping-your-cool-when-youre-heated.html"},"modified":"2009-10-10T18:14:00","modified_gmt":"2009-10-10T18:14:00","slug":"keeping-your-cool-when-youre-heated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2009\/10\/keeping-your-cool-when-youre-heated.html","title":{"rendered":"Keeping Your Cool When You\u2019re Heated"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
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<\/p>\n

I\u2019m astounded at how many times I\u2019m out in public and hear someone yelling. Often it\u2019s a romantic couple yelling at each other. People who have problems in a store yell at the cashier or manager. Motorists yell at other drivers. Parents yell at their children, who sometimes yell back at them. Most have something in common\u2014frustration with something the person did or didn\u2019t do and a need for resolution.<\/p>\n

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\n<\/p>\n

The trouble is, reacting with negative emotions rarely gets good resolution and can make the person less likely to play nicely with you.<\/p>\n

\n

\n<\/p>\n

Frustration leads us to behavior that can give you more reasons to be frustrated. If the super in your building doesn\u2019t come to fix your leaky sink, it can make you angry. After all, you pay your rent and are entitled to service. You try asking again and get lip service but not actions. Each time you clean up water from your floor, you get angrier and more frustrated that you can\u2019t get service. So you go look for the super, ready for a fight.<\/p>\n

\n<\/p>\n

\n

Letting your emotions explode into communication will get you much less than playing nicely.<\/span> <\/p>\n

\n

\n<\/p>\n

Losing your cool with your super will probably just frustrate you more when you don’t get the leak fixed since your attitude annoyed him. Speaking in a rational, friendly and firm tone, indicating you may have to go higher, but don’t want to, can get him into your apartment. When I was a Doormat, I\u2019d hold my feelings in and go along with most things, or just keep my mouth shut. But that didn\u2019t mean it didn\u2019t bother me. On the contrary, it bothered me on 2 levels: one that the person didn\u2019t keep their word or acted poorly, and two, that I felt powerless to do something about it. <\/p>\n

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\n<\/p>\n

Feeling powerless can stoke frustration.<\/p>\n

\n<\/p>\n

\n

Eventually, my anger and frustration would reach a peak and I\u2019d explode at someone, telling them what they\u2019d done wrong and what I wanted. Yet that didn\u2019t usually help. It wasn\u2019t until I learned that addressing situations by speaking nicely, but firmly that I began to feel powerful. In my DoorMat days, my emotions controlled my responses. Now I control them, with a calm response said in a friendly but firm way.<\/p>\n

\n


\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

Norman Vincent Peale<\/span> said, “The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person.<\/span>” <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n


\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

When I saw that quote, it got me thinking about hurricanes. When I pay attention to one being tracked, there\u2019s often someone standing in a town being hit by one, yet the weather seems okay. They explain that the eye of the storm is over them, so they\u2019re having a break. Not being science savvy, I\u2019ve never understood how a storm packing 100 mile an hour winds and torrential rain can be calm in the middle. But it is.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In life as in weather, when we keep our inner emotions calm in the face of emotional situations, we keep our power and can control having a calm response that gets more.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I recently was waiting on line for service. The woman in front of me complained this was her third time trying to get what I was there for. She warned me I probably wouldn\u2019t get it either. She described how she had raised her voice to them many times but they didn\u2019t take her seriously and were uncooperative. She was there for one final confrontation. I was also frustrated by having to come in person for service but planned not to take it out on the service rep. I suggested she speak nicely but she insisted that would get her nowhere fast. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n


\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

I refrained from pointing out that she had already gotten nowhere fast by raising her voice. So she she yelled at the rep again, and left in a huff of more frustration.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When I stepped up to the person who had caused this woman\u2019s frustration, I smiled. She smiled back. I nicely explained my problem and asked how she could help me. She explained what she\u2019d do. I firmly, but still in a friendly manner, explained why that wasn\u2019t enough. The frustrated woman before me said she\u2019d tried to get to a supervisor but they\u2019d never called one.
\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I nicely asked to speak to someone else who could make what I was there for happen.<\/span>
\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

She asked me to wait and went to another office. When she returned, she\u2019d spoken with a supervisor who had authorized her to give me what I wanted. I expressed my appreciation profusely. The whole encounter felt so much better than getting emotional and letting her feel my wrath like the other woman did. That makes people not want to bother going out of their way for you. She then thanked me for the way I handled it and gave me her card in case I had another problem.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy to stay calm when you\u2019re angry or frustrated, but it\u2019s what you must strive to do. That’s how you get people to hear you most objectively or get their cooperation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Whether it\u2019s dealing with people in my personal or professional life, with service people or whoever else I might need to address a problem with, I do affirmations about getting what I need to calm me down. Then I watch WHAT I say and HOW I say it.
\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00b7 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Will I began with an accusation or other attack or set a friendly tone with a \u201chello, how are you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00b7 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Will I tell her how angry I am, letting the emotion come out, or just state the problem?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00b7 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Will I go on and on about how angry I am or be concise and then ask how they can resolve it?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00b7 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Am I angry, antagonist or smiling and friendly?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00b7 <\/span><\/span><\/span>Am I using nasty or insulting words or just making a point?<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\n<\/p>\n

Controlling your response can lead to getting what you need much more often than going off on someone.<\/span> Staying calm in the face of angry situations makes you a better person too. And it\u2019s a logical choice since you get so much more. Be conscious of how you respond to frustration or anger. Keep the eye of your storm calm and you\u2019ll get more and feel much better too!<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/p>\n

\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<a href="http:\/\/www.addthis.com\/bookmark.php" onclick="addthis_url \"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’; <\/span><\/p>\n

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I\u2019m astounded at how many times I\u2019m out in public and hear someone yelling. Often it\u2019s a romantic couple yelling at each other. People who have problems in a store yell at the cashier or manager. Motorists yell at other drivers. Parents yell at their children, who sometimes yell back at them. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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