{"id":620,"date":"2011-04-01T12:01:51","date_gmt":"2011-04-01T16:01:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=620"},"modified":"2011-03-29T15:19:05","modified_gmt":"2011-03-29T19:19:05","slug":"question-how-can-i-help-my-child-cope-with-worrying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/04\/question-how-can-i-help-my-child-cope-with-worrying.html","title":{"rendered":"Question: How can I Help My Child Cope with Worrying?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last Friday my post was What, Me Worry?<\/strong><\/a> A reader asked for help with dealing with her child\u2019s fears. Since we all get scared of the unknown sometimes, I\u2019m answering here. Kids and adult can both think ahead and imagine the worst-case scenario. Or we just think that something bad will happen, even though there\u2019s no concrete reason to think that. Kids are especially good at that. They worry that something bad will happen to them or some bad creature or other is hiding under the bed and will do something awful to them.<\/p>\n

Irrational fears of the unknown are usually MUCH worse than reality<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I used to get those fears too, especially when I was a DoorMat. I\u2019d please and please because I was scared of what would happen if I didn\u2019t. Would the person abandon me? Would I have no friends and be alone? Or worse?\u2014whatever worse was. It took me many years to discover that most of what I was afraid of was unlikely to happen. More importantly, I now understand that most of the scary unknown fears don\u2019t actually elicit bad results.<\/p>\n

When you break down fear\u2014dissect it from the inside out\u2014you will discover that you can handle most outcomes.<\/p>\n

I think of fear in terms of an artichoke. If you\u2019ve ever seen one, you know it has all those layers of thick leaves. If you keep peeling off the layers, eventually nothing is left. It\u2019s the same with fear. If you keep removing the layers of what scars you, eventually you can see that you can handle most outcomes.<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to like everything that results, but if you can peel away the layers, one and a time, and see you can at least accept that you can cope with the outcome. That diffuses the worry to just preferring it could be different.<\/p>\n

Try this: \u00a0When feeling fear, ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen in this situation?\u00a0What\u2019s the first thing that scares you? An example from an interaction with one of my clients who was going through something similar to what I did years ago is:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m scared of what will happen if I don\u2019t do Linda favors when she asks.\u201d<\/strong> What do you think could happen?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe might get angry at me?\u201d <\/strong>If she does, what could happen from it?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe stop talking to me.\u201d<\/strong> If she does, what could happen from it?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI might lose her as a friend.\u201d<\/strong> If you do what\u2019s the worst that could happen?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have her to do things with or to talk to.\u201d<\/strong> You might not like that but could you live with that? Will life go on without your world falling apart?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI guess it would. I have other friends. I don\u2019t want to lose Linda but I wouldn\u2019t fall apart if I lose her.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

My client recognized that her intense worry was unfounded and she could cope with what scared her. A key to what she said was using the word \u201cmight.\u201d She didn\u2019t actually know if any of it would happen. Linda might accept her not doing the favor and the friendship might go on. That’s why it’s so important to\u00a0 go through the layers of your fear and recognize that even if you don\u2019t like the potential or imagined outcome, you could cope with it. Be honest about whether you can cope. \u00a0You don’t have to like the outcome but will it stop your life? If you don\u2019t find out, worrying about what might happen could be worse than the real outcome<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Often we realize we can handle anything. \u00a0If we don’t attempt to do what we fear, we get nowhere.<\/p>\n

Another example is a woman who lives in Florida. She always worried about hurricanes, although she\u2019d been through a few and her apartment was never damaged. Every time there was even a mention of hurricanes, she\u2019d get upset. Her husband asked to me counsel her by phone when she was very worked up over a hurricane that might hit her area. She was frantic with what ifs? when I asked what scared her. She blurted out that she\u2019d just made a big pot roast and it was in the freezer and would spoil if she lost her power for days!<\/p>\n

We talked it all through. Would she be able to carry on living with a spoiled roast? If her power went off, she\u2019d survive without it since it usually wasn\u2019t off for more than a day or two. If some food spoiled, she\u2019d just do some extra cooking. I kept asking what could possibly happen. Most of it was not that bad. Each time I asked if her life would be okay after, she acknowledged it would. She was able to calm down and not blow the hurricane out of proportion. In the end, the hurricane didn\u2019t even hit in her city. She was grateful to be have been able to put her worry about hurricanes into perspective.<\/p>\n

Asking yourself \u201cWhat\u2019s the worst that could happen?\u201d when you\u2019re worried can keep worrying down.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Kids often live in their imaginations, which makes it harder to help them handle fear of what might happen. I don’t know specifics about the child of\u00a0 the reader who asked the question how to deal with her child\u2019s worry. It can vary. I do advise parents to talk fears out with their kids. Ask them the kind of questions I recommend above, depending on their ages. What exactly are you afraid of? Kids often just say, \u201cI\u2019m afraid,\u201d but don\u2019t really know why. Make them think about it. Dig. What could happen? Reassure them after each answer.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere are no bad people who come inside in the night.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m in the next room.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Let\u2019s look under the bed and in the closet together.\u201d<\/p>\n

The more you ask yourself, or your kids, questions about what the worries are, the more the worries get put into perspective. Talking it out creates a more realistic picture instead of one that your imagination can conjure eases worries and allows you have a more positive attitude.<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last Friday my post was What, Me Worry? A reader asked for help with dealing with her child\u2019s fears. Since we all get scared of the unknown sometimes, I\u2019m answering here. Kids and adult can both think ahead and imagine the worst-case scenario. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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