{"id":5629,"date":"2014-07-21T22:41:37","date_gmt":"2014-07-22T02:41:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5629"},"modified":"2014-07-18T23:39:10","modified_gmt":"2014-07-19T03:39:10","slug":"ditch-the-victim-mentality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/07\/ditch-the-victim-mentality.html","title":{"rendered":"Ditch the Victim Mentality"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"victim\"<\/a>A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And they groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And they whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because of _____.\u201d\u00a0 I tell them to fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d People don\u2019t make you one. You volunteer.<\/p>\n

Do you speak in a \u201c woe is me\u201d tone? Do you blames everyone for being unhappy? Build some exuberance for life so you can get rid of feeling like a victiom. Being happy can temper feeling like a victim! Pay attention to your thoughts and making happier friends, I\u2019m slowly climbing out of the black hole I\u2019ve been in. As I accept that playing victim is my choice and take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. There are symptoms of bring a victim you can watch out for:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong<\/strong>. But you get no points for suffering. None! Nada! Listen carefully. It\u2019s YOUR choice to accept behavior, or change it. If you\u2019re taught that confronting its source isn\u2019t nice, you suffer. This is poison! You deserve happiness! Asking \u201cwhy me?\u201d when life isn\u2019t good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.
\nWhen you’ve been through some really tough life experiences, don’t give up. Trust that you’ll find other solutions! Don’t b eafraid of not knowing how to find out. There is something good in everything.Look for the good! Try to
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0List what makes you valuabl<\/strong>e. You have great qualities! Identify them.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do you accept suffering as punishment for not \u201cbeing good enough?\u201d<\/strong> That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I nurtured suffering as a lifestyle. Now it\u2019s banned! Choose\u2014adopt a victim mentality or change your response. My clientMadison believed she deserved to suffer for being overweight. Feeling like a loser, she blamed it for all problems. After several sessions, she smiled more:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Victimhood is programmed.<\/strong> Madison’s mom called he rfat. When she actually thought about why she felt like a victim, it was a no-brainer that she didn\u2019t have to be one. She slowly did consciousness exercises to appreciate hery good attributes and affirmations about not being a victim. She haen\u2019t completely stopped but she’s happilyon her way!<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 Victims give others power over them<\/strong>. \u201cHe makes me feel unattractive.\u201d It\u2019s your choice to feel unattractive! Your response determines whether you\u2019re a victim of hurtful words or a powerful person I know it\u2019s hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect.<\/p>\n

My client Lacy did more work than anyone in her office but earned less. She handled everyone\u2019s problems while they got the credit and more money. She liked my job and kept quiet. A new manager noticed how hard sheworked, asked why she hadn\u2019t been promoted and encouraged me to recognize her worth. I told her to list everything she did, and nicely, with confidence, told her boss, that she deserved a promotion. After reading her lists over and over, she felt it! He agreed. Now I\u2019m office manager. No more victim!<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0People can\u2019t consistently do negative things unless you let them<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you and she sdtopped it. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won’t allow it.
\n***********<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And they groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And they whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because of _____.\u201d\u00a0 I tell them to fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d People don\u2019t make…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2],"tags":[972],"class_list":["post-5629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-being-a-vitim"],"yoast_head":"\nDitch the Victim Mentality - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/07\/ditch-the-victim-mentality.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ditch the Victim Mentality - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And they groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And they whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because of _____.\u201d\u00a0 I tell them to fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d People don\u2019t make…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/07\/ditch-the-victim-mentality.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-07-22T02:41:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-07-19T03:39:10+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/07\/victim-225x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Ditch the Victim Mentality - 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5629"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5633,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5629\/revisions\/5633"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}