{"id":5610,"date":"2014-07-03T23:06:01","date_gmt":"2014-07-04T03:06:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5610"},"modified":"2014-07-05T16:53:15","modified_gmt":"2014-07-05T20:53:15","slug":"get-heard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/07\/get-heard.html","title":{"rendered":"Get Heard!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ear\"<\/a>\u2028We’re often so proud of ourselves for making the effort to communicate that we don’t pay attention to our approach. Becoming aware of how we present our thoughts and ideas can get them across more clearly. Simply paying more attention to yourself can help: is this how I’d like someone to talk to me?
\nWomen are said to be better at communication than men. We believe in communication, and advocate learning to communicate. Yet our desire to communicate doesn’t always help us express our needs so that people actually get our point without getting an attitude.
\nWhy is this? Women are great at talking but communication is much more than that. We tend to use much too many words, explaining and explaining…communication over- kill….until we get the response we want…or alienate the person. My rule: the less said, the more you get across.
\nMany people have developed selective hearing. Certain cues from a speaker signals the low\/off volume on what they hear. How rude you might say. It is, but we must take responsibility in part for the way we’re heard. Bad experiences have conditioned people to tune out from specific triggers. The attitude in the speakers voice is a common one.<\/p>\n

When we’re gung ho about getting a point, complaint or suggestion across, we don’t always give much thought to the method. All energies go to the message rather than the vehicle for it.
\nWhich do you prefer \u2013the momentary satisfaction of ragging on someone who tunes out and just gets defensive and\/or angry, or getting your point across clearly? It\u2019s important to know and accept that:<\/p>\n

\u2022 If speaking up politely angers someone, it\u2019s his\/her problem.
\nIf speaking up politely angers someone, it\u2019s his\/her problem.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Real friends respect your right to express.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Protecting your own feelings is most important.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0If you aren\u2019t disrespectful or mean, too bad!<\/p>\n

Speaking up doesn\u2019t change that you\u2019re a nice person. Always pause and think about your response in situations that trigger emotions or require a commitment that you might not want to give.
\nCommunication skills can be very helpful in being you to leave DoorMatville. It\u2019s crucial to learn to express your anger in clear, non-blaming statements. Find a way that’s comfortable for you, but do it! A good method of communication in any situation is to keep things as non-threatening as possible.\u00a0 Be kind.\u00a0 Often the person doesn’t mean to hurt you.\u00a0 Start any negatives with a positive, letting your friend know you don’t think she’s doing anything purposely. For example:<\/p>\n

To a co-worker:<\/strong> “I appreciate the job you’re doing but I’d like to let you know tha twhen you do___it makes me feel you don’t think I’m smart enough to handle the task..”<\/p>\n

To your romantic partner<\/strong>: “I love you buI don’t love when you___I’d appreciate you making an effort to be aware of this and respect my feelings.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2022 Real friends respect your right to express.
\n\u2022 Protecting your own feelings is most important.
\n\u2022 If you aren\u2019t disrespectful or mean, too bad!<\/p>\n

Speaking up doesn\u2019t change that you\u2019re a nice person. Always pause and think about your response in situations that trigger emotions or require a commitment that you might not want to give.
\nCommunication skills can be very helpful in being you to leave DoorMatville. It\u2019s crucial to learn to express your anger in clear, non-blaming statements. Find a way that’s comfortable for you, but do it! A good method of communication in any situationis to keep things as non-threatening as possible. Be kind. Often the person doesn’t mean to hurt you. Start any negatives with a positive, letting your friend know you don’t think she’s doing anything purposely. For example:
\nTo your romantic partner: “I love you but there are things you do that I don’t love and I’d like to make you more aware of them. I’d appreciate your listening.”
\nTo a co-worker: “I appreciate the job you’re doing but I’d like to let you know when you…..it makes me feel you don’t think I’m capable of doing the job….”<\/p>\n

To a friend: “I value our friendship so much, I’m going to try and keep it going by making you aware of my feelings about ….”
\nPeople take criticism better when you don’t put them on their guard. Be aware of your communication, so as not to make it sound judgmental. If it’s said kindly, in a nice, not nagging tone, your message will have a better chance of being heard as it’s meant. And say whatever it is directly to the person. Never have someone say it for you! A Better Bitch takes control of herself and knows it’s up to her to communicate.
\nWhen something is bothering us, we often want to spew at the person causing the problem. Whether it\u2019s a work colleague, friend, romantic partner, or person not giving you good service, communicating nicely will get you further. Ask yourself whether you want to get even with the person or to get good results? To hurt the person or have them responsive to your needs? To vent your rage at them or get them to understand how you feel and perhaps be cooperative? If you want the mor positive choice, then communicate nicely.<\/p>\n

************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u2028We’re often so proud of ourselves for making the effort to communicate that we don’t pay attention to our approach. Becoming aware of how we present our thoughts and ideas can get them across more clearly. Simply paying more attention to yourself can help: is this how I’d like someone to talk to me? Women…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2],"tags":[967,894,968],"class_list":["post-5610","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-expressing-yourself","tag-good-communication","tag-standing-up-for-yourdelf"],"yoast_head":"\nGet Heard! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Get Heard! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u2028We’re often so proud of ourselves for making the effort to communicate that we don’t pay attention to our approach. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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