{"id":5435,"date":"2014-04-11T12:01:49","date_gmt":"2014-04-11T16:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5435"},"modified":"2014-03-31T22:19:06","modified_gmt":"2014-04-01T02:19:06","slug":"are-you-a-needy-people-magnet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/04\/are-you-a-needy-people-magnet.html","title":{"rendered":"Are You a Needy People Magnet?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"magnet\"<\/a>Do you find yourself surrounded by people who need you for something? Do you tend to end up with romantic partners who need fixing? It\u2019s common, especially for DoorMats who have people pleasing as part of their M.O.\u00a0 I did when I was a DoorMat. These needy folks would bring me down with their demands and sad situations and kept me too busy to work on me. But while I often complained about them, a part of me liked and needed to have them depend on me.<\/p>\n

Insecurity can make you a magnet for people who are emotionally unhealthy. We often have a misguided belief that if we do and do and do for someone they\u2019ll stick around. Women tend to play therapist for a guy they like and figure he will be so grateful, and dependent for emotional support that he\u2019ll stick around. That was me when I was low on confidence and high on criticism for what was wrong\u00a0 with me. Like many needy people magnets, I didn\u2019t appreciate that I had wonderful qualities and thought the best I had to offer was support.<\/p>\n

Do you ever ask yourself, like I used to, \u201cHow do all these needy people find me?\u201d \u201cWhy do they come to me?\u201d \u201cWhy do I have so many people in my life who drag me down?\u201d I used to get angry that people expected so much form me. But then I recognized that I made myself a magnet for the emotionally needy. They could tell I was open to trying to fix everyone. It wasn\u2019t so much that they lined up to use me, as I used to believe. I needed to feel needed, so I opened myself up to it.<\/p>\n

I hear from both women and men that they don\u2019t understand why they always end up with a romantic partner who has problems and they have to do some repairs. They complain that they don\u2019t like it yet they keep finding the fix-It specials. Whether it\u2019s a friend or lover, feeling needed can make you feel important and necessary if your self-esteem is low. And being with someone who\u2019s damaged or insecure can make you feel better about yourself, compared to the other person. You may not feel good enough to be with someone healthy. I used to think a secure person would judge me as beneath them when I thought little of myself.<\/p>\n

Needy people will bring you down. That doesn\u2019t mean you have to cut everyone off, but you should slowly cut their dependency on you. I had to suggest therapy for some and I stopped dating guys who seemed like a good candidate for my therapy. I no longer want to fix anyone. I still try to help friends with problems but limit time spend with them. But since I developed strong self-love and self-esteem, I no longer need to feel needed the way I used to. I still help people but not to feel good about me. I do it because I care.<\/p>\n

If you want to turn off your magnet but\u00a0 like helping people, a healthier way to gratify your need is to do volunteer work for a cause that matters to you. That\u2019s what I do now. Find a cause and do what you can for them. It\u2019s more worthwhile than attracting damaged people and trying to fix them.
\n************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you find yourself surrounded by people who need you for something? Do you tend to end up with romantic partners who need fixing? It\u2019s common, especially for DoorMats who have people pleasing as part of their M.O.\u00a0 I did when I was a DoorMat. These needy folks would bring me down with their demands…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2,15],"tags":[922,43],"class_list":["post-5435","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-needy-people","tag-people-pleasing"],"yoast_head":"\nAre You a Needy People Magnet? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/04\/are-you-a-needy-people-magnet.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Are You a Needy People Magnet? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Do you find yourself surrounded by people who need you for something? Do you tend to end up with romantic partners who need fixing? It\u2019s common, especially for DoorMats who have people pleasing as part of their M.O.\u00a0 I did when I was a DoorMat. These needy folks would bring me down with their demands…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/04\/are-you-a-needy-people-magnet.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-04-11T16:01:49+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-04-01T02:19:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/03\/magnet1.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Are You a Needy People Magnet? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/04\/are-you-a-needy-people-magnet.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Are You a Needy People Magnet? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"Do you find yourself surrounded by people who need you for something? 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5435","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5435"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5435\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5438,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5435\/revisions\/5438"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5435"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5435"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5435"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}