{"id":5415,"date":"2014-03-31T13:19:56","date_gmt":"2014-03-31T17:19:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5415"},"modified":"2015-11-30T16:03:11","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T21:03:11","slug":"10-tips-for-getting-comfortable-with-saying-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/03\/10-tips-for-getting-comfortable-with-saying-no.html","title":{"rendered":"10 Tips for Getting Comfortable with Saying \u201cNO!\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"No\"<\/a>I was recently at a motivational event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they\u2019d done. One woman said she began to say \u201cno\u201d occasionally. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I\u2019ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often. Yet saying \u201cno\u201d should be normal, not an accomplishment!<\/p>\n

Saying that one small word\u2014\u201cno\u201d\u2014turns into a very big deal for many of us!<\/p>\n

When I was a people pleasing kind of \u201cnice\u201d girl, I couldn\u2019t get that word out. Turning someone down meant possibly losing a friendship, or alienating someone. You might not even like the person but if you want to be liked by EVERYONE, agreeable seems to be the right course. People pleasers think it\u2019s nice to never say \u201cno.\u201d It seems like the best way to be liked. And they want to be liked. We all do on some level. But saying \u201cyes\u201d at the expense of your own needs and desires isn\u2019t nice! You can turn people down in ways that are soft like a feather and feel as comfortable.<\/p>\n

Long time habits take a while to break. You can turn off agreeable auto-pilot. If you\u2019re consistent, you can have yourself a lot more time for you by giving less to others. Next time you get asked to help with something you don\u2019t want to do:<\/p>\n

1. Accept that saying \u201cno\u201d isn\u2019t a crime.<\/strong> I finally accepted that I\u2019d still be a nice person if I became more selective about doing favors and that I was entitled to have my needs met too. It meant not putting all my time and energy into others. At first, I proudly forced \u201cno\u201d out. It felt uncomfortable and wasn\u2019t well received. What I call poison word darts\u2014selfish, nasty names, etc.\u2014were hurled at me when I turned down requests. I ran back to the \u201csecurity\u201d of being agreeable until I realized the manipulation in their words and how unfair it was to call me names just for saying I couldn\u2019t help them.<\/p>\n

2. Get into the habit of not responding immediately<\/strong>. People pleasers feel they must reply instantly. You don\u2019t have to! Even if you may say yes, get into the habit of thinking first. Try to stay as deadpan as possible so they can\u2019t read guilt or dismay. They may try to manipulate you if they sense guilt. Not agreeing on the spot gives you time to find a good way to say “no.”<\/p>\n

3.Don’t be apologetic<\/strong>: Why say you\u2019re sorry you can\u2019t if you\u2019re not?\u00a0 If you express regret, they’ll keep asking and pour on the guilt. Apologies bring more requests. If they hear resolve, they’ll accept your decision.<\/p>\n

4.Make each “no” an individual decision<\/strong>: For each request, think, \u201cIs this okay for me to do?\u201d If it\u2019s not inconvenient, consider it. You don\u2019t have to prove yourself by turning everyone down. Find a balance between helping you, and others. Selectively agree when it works for you. Ask yourself, \u201cDo I want to do it?\u201d You might want to go the distance for someone who helps you a lot. Be selective as you turn folks down. Don\u2019t just stop agreeing to everything. But if agreeing to the request will inconvenience you in stressful ways, and you don\u2019t owe the person that kind of consideration, say \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n

5. Start slowly<\/strong>: Baby step, one person at a time. Slowly get people used to you not always being the go-to person for favors. It\u2019s okay to say \u201cno\u201d if you have something else to do! I tried new ways to change people\u2019s expectations of me by slowly weaning myself away from always being the go-to girl. Being nice starts with being nice to yourself. Turn down the easiest person first to see how it feels. Then try another. It takes time to break people\u2019s habits of expecting your acquiescence. Get them used to the new you!<\/p>\n

6. Don’t succumb to pressure<\/strong>: People may use guilt, etc. to change your mind. Sweetly but firmly hold your ground. If they call you selfish, ask why it\u2019s not selfish to not be available. Isn\u2019t it selfish to expect you to change your plans for them?<\/p>\n

7. Don\u2019t defend why you can\u2019t do something<\/strong>. There\u2019s no need to. Just say you can\u2019t, with conviction. Don\u2019t justify why you can\u2019t. Being on the defensive weakens your stance.<\/p>\n

8. Be firm in saying no<\/strong>. Don\u2019t dance around it. Saying, \u201cI\u2019d love to help but…\u201d tells them to ask again. Saying, \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d tells them to look elsewhere.<\/p>\n

9. Give yourself time to answer<\/strong>. Say you must check your schedule. If she says she needs to know fast, nicely explain you can\u2019t respond fast so she may want to find a backup. Explain that you have a pretty full schedule and need to check it. Turn them down by email. It gives you some distance from personal reactions. Turning someone down electronically is easier.\u00a0 After you\u2019ve waited, say you can\u2019t do it. Waiting helps the person get used to your not always saying \u201cyes.\u201d It forces them to think of alternatives to having you do what they need. Even if you say \u201cyes,\u201d they\u2019ll see they can\u2019t automatically count on you.<\/p>\n

10. Say \u201cNo\u201d Without Saying \u201cNo\u201d<\/strong>. Use expressions like, \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d or \u201cthis doesn\u2019t work for me.\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t have time.\u201d or “I’ve got a full plate.” Create pat answers. Flattery can temper refusals. Say you think highly of the person but you\u2019re overextended. Tell a neighbor you enjoy talking with her but it\u2019s not a good time for you to organize a block party. If it\u2019s more comfortable at first, create excuses. Little white lies ease you into it. Someone calls for a lift\u2014you just washed your hair. Can you come watch her kids? You\u2019re writing a report. Survival excuses allow you to bow out nicely. Consistent, reasonable excuses get folks out of the habit of always expecting your help.<\/p>\n

I may not be liked by as many people since I started saying \u201cno,\u201d but I\u2019m a lot more respected, and a lot happier with the people in my world who like me for me, not for what I do for them. It\u2019s nice to say \u201cno\u201d to what you don\u2019t want to do. As long as you treat people with courtesy, nice people have the right to say \u201cno,\u201d sans guilt.
\n*************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was recently at a motivational event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they\u2019d done. One woman said she began to say \u201cno\u201d occasionally. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I\u2019ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often. Yet…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,15],"tags":[193],"class_list":["post-5415","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-saying-no"],"yoast_head":"\n10 Tips for Getting Comfortable with Saying \u201cNO!\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/Wellness\/Galleries\/10-Tips-for-Getting-Comfortable-with-Saying-NO.aspx#\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"10 Tips for Getting Comfortable with Saying \u201cNO!\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I was recently at a motivational event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they\u2019d done. One woman said she began to say \u201cno\u201d occasionally. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I\u2019ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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