{"id":5272,"date":"2014-02-10T12:01:29","date_gmt":"2014-02-10T17:01:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5272"},"modified":"2014-02-07T22:14:14","modified_gmt":"2014-02-08T03:14:14","slug":"stopping-your-saboteurs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html","title":{"rendered":"Stopping Your Saboteurs"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"dark<\/a>You try to improve your life and are determined to stick to your diet, exercise regularly, get your spending under control, stop smoking or break another habit. You get your act together and your determination is strong. Everything is going well. It\u2019s hard but you\u2019re managing to keep your resolve. Then your friend or romantic partner or mother does something to put temptation in your path and you begin to struggle to stay on track. Why can\u2019t people support you?? These kinds of people can put a dark cloud over you.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately there are people who see you making progress that they haven\u2019t been able to and are jealous, or who feel threatened by what you\u2019re doing or have\u00a0 other reasons for not being happy for you. Not only do they not support your efforts, they also create roadblocks for you. For example, years ago I\u2019d gained a bit of weight and decided to get rid of it. I got myself into a really good zone and my body began to slim down.<\/p>\n

I was seeing a guy at the time who was a bit insecure and that insecurity made him try to sabotage my weight loss. He began by telling me he was fine with me the way I was and it wasn\u2019t necessary for me to slim down. I explained that I wasn\u2019t doing it for him. It was for me and I wanted to take off my extra weight. He argued about it, which I found annoying. Then he began bringing fattening goodies when he came over and tried to tempt me with it. He\u2019d leave a box of my favorite cookies on the counter, knowing that cookies talk to me or he\u2019d bring a quart of ice cream, eat it in front of me and then leave it for me in my freezer. I asked him not to but his ears were deaf to it.<\/p>\n

When we went out to eat he\u2019d push me to get dessert and when I refused, he ordered something he knew I liked and kept offering me a bite. It finally hit me that he was afraid I\u2019d find someone else if I got my body into shape or bug him to work on himself. He wasn\u2019t fat but could have gotten fitter by eating in a healthier way. In the past we loved to go to eat together and both of us had fun pigging out. But he was able to burn most of it off while the food lodged in my belly and hips. I wasn\u2019t fun to go out to eat with anymore. When we both had unhealthy eating habits, there was no guilt as we encouraged each other. While I ate more carefully he did feel guilty, which wasn\u2019t fun.<\/p>\n

Once I realized why he tried to sabotage my diet, I had more compassion. But it still wasn\u2019t right! I\u2019ve also had friends who tried to sabotage certain friendships by instigating problems if they felt left out or wanted more of my time. And I\u2019ve recognized bad advice given on purpose for how to handle a situation with a boyfriend, when she didn\u2019t have one.<\/p>\n

Sabotage can be overt, like my boyfriend tempting me with fattening food when I dieted, or subtle, like encouraging behavior that can create a rift between you and someone or telling you someone\u2019s behavior isn\u2019t nice when you find nothing wrong with it. Saboteurs can be found in all areas of life. A co-worker may push you to do things that could sabotage your promotion or create trouble between you and a co-worker.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s up to you to stop saboteurs. You don\u2019t have to get angry or nasty. But you do need to set them straight. The softer and nicer you express yourself, the greater the chance you\u2019ll get through to them. First, think about the repercussions of letting them continue. How will you feel if you gain weight or hurt a friendship or romantic relationship or rapport with colleagues or your boss by going along with the saboteur? Let that motivate you to take a stand and set boundaries. For example:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Say your version of, \u201cIf you can\u2019t respect that my diet is important to me, I can\u2019t eat with you anymore.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Change the subject if the person starts to \u201cadvise\u201d you about other people or try to put down someone you like.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Explain that you don\u2019t like their comments and would appreciate their respecting that.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t defend yourself. You have a right to choose your own food or behavior or opinions or friends. A simple, \u201cI\u2019m fine with what I\u2019m doing\u201d or \u201cMy choices work for me\u201d is all you need to say.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t complain to the people involved.<\/p>\n

There may always be people who are jealous or threatened by you or what you\u2019re doing. It\u2019s up to you to set boundaries about what you don\u2019t find to be appropriate. Love yourself enough to be firm. If someone is a real friend they\u2019ll understand. You may have to cut ties with dome people, which is better than having a toxic influence.
\n*************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s son–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You try to improve your life and are determined to stick to your diet, exercise regularly, get your spending under control, stop smoking or break another habit. You get your act together and your determination is strong. Everything is going well. It\u2019s hard but you\u2019re managing to keep your resolve. Then your friend or romantic…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[876,875,877],"class_list":["post-5272","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","tag-people-who-sabotage-you","tag-standing-up-for-yourself","tag-toxic-peoplee"],"yoast_head":"\nStopping Your Saboteurs - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Stopping Your Saboteurs - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"You try to improve your life and are determined to stick to your diet, exercise regularly, get your spending under control, stop smoking or break another habit. You get your act together and your determination is strong. Everything is going well. It\u2019s hard but you\u2019re managing to keep your resolve. Then your friend or romantic…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-02-10T17:01:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-02-08T03:14:14+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/02\/dark-clouds-169x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Stopping Your Saboteurs - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Stopping Your Saboteurs - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"You try to improve your life and are determined to stick to your diet, exercise regularly, get your spending under control, stop smoking or break another habit. You get your act together and your determination is strong. Everything is going well. It\u2019s hard but you\u2019re managing to keep your resolve. Then your friend or romantic…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2014-02-10T17:01:29+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-02-08T03:14:14+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/02\/dark-clouds-169x300.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html","name":"Stopping Your Saboteurs - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/02\/dark-clouds-169x300.jpg","datePublished":"2014-02-10T17:01:29+00:00","dateModified":"2014-02-08T03:14:14+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/02\/dark-clouds-169x300.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2014\/02\/dark-clouds-169x300.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/stopping-your-saboteurs.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Stopping Your Saboteurs"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5272","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5272"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5272\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5280,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5272\/revisions\/5280"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5272"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5272"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5272"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}