{"id":5250,"date":"2014-02-07T12:01:03","date_gmt":"2014-02-07T17:01:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5250"},"modified":"2014-02-07T22:12:53","modified_gmt":"2014-02-08T03:12:53","slug":"people-pleasing-anger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/people-pleasing-anger.html","title":{"rendered":"People Pleasing Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"stop<\/a>DoorMats\/people pleasers often have a lot of reasons to be that way, most based on circumstances they bring on themselves. Pleasing everyone is a choice, not an obligation. But it\u2019s common to get angry about the repercussions from it , and you feel helpless to do something about it, because:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0YOU feel like people are taking you for granted<\/strong>. You may not get a \u201cthank you\u201d when you help out or you know the person has no appreciation for you.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0You feel used<\/strong>. The person doesn\u2019t quite ask anymore. They assume you\u2019ll be there for them and kind of just say what they need from you, like you’re they’re go-fer.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0You get no help when you need it, even if you ask<\/strong>. The ones you give the most to are often MIA when you need something.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0You aren\u2019t able to have a choice about where you eat or what movie to see<\/strong> because the other person expects to have it their way and tells you where you’re going.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0You don\u2019t like the way you\u2019re spoken to.<\/strong> It feels like you don’t get respect from those you\u2019re good to. You may get criticized, put down and talked down to by so-called friends.<\/p>\n

Yet most DoorMats keep quiet about\u00a0 those kinds of things. They allow themselves to be stepped on, no matter how much it hurts. But the worst part of it is all the suppressed anger\u00a0 hurts YOU. When I was a DoorMat, people saw me with a smile on my face while I seethed inside. I walked around feeling anger about how hurt, disappointed and frustrated I felt. Yet I was too scared to do anything about it. I was afraid of losing the people who didn\u2019t treat me well! That what us DoorMats do!<\/p>\n

The people pleasing kind of anger can be the most destructive because it\u2019s often accompanied by anger at yourself for letting people get away with treating you badly.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why didn\u2019t I speak up?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why did I let him get away with it?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why can\u2019t I stop being there for people who ignore what I need?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why am I so pathetic?<\/p>\n

These thoughts keep self-love low. Sometimes anger gets held in for so long that it reaches a peak and you may explode at whoever pushes the final button, even if they don\u2019t deserve it. I\u2019ve done that. After stewing over some recent hurts, I\u2019ve yelled at someone who did something that was a minor annoyance. Once after a friend gave me a legitimate reason for why she could help with a projects I was working on. I blew up at her, saying I never get help and am so good to everyone. I felt ashamed after since this person did help me when she could. I wasn\u2019t talking to her. I was yelling at all the people in my world who treated me poorly. How unfair to my friend!<\/p>\n

When I left DoorMatville, I knew that my ager was hurting me\u2014upsetting my tummy, making me complain all the time to everyone but the one who made me angry, keeping me in a perpetual bad mood and feeling down on\u00a0 myself for allowing it all to happen. I knew I had to get rid of the anger and stop it from being created for my well-being. I recognized what I had to do that you can do too:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0* First, forgive yourself<\/strong>. You didn’t mean to hurt yourself and it’s in the past. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself for bring human.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Get comfortable with turning people down<\/strong> for favors by doing it. You can make excuses at first to get people out of the habit of always asking you for things.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Create rules for yourself and use them<\/strong> when there\u2019s something you don\u2019t want to do. \u201cI have a rule that I don\u2019t loan money to anyone so I can\u2019t help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Accept that you deserve to be first in your world<\/strong>. Start doing more kind things for you.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Set boundaries.<\/strong> Only agree to what you\u2019re comfortable with and to help those who are kind to you. If it\u2019s someone wants something that you can do it easily, do it. Or compromise. If someone needs a lift say where you\u2019re going and where you can drop them off.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Slowly start to speak up for what you want<\/strong>. \u201cWe always go where you want and I have preference too and am entitled to have a say.”<\/p>\n

It\u2019s very important to address some of your unresolved anger. If someone often speaks to you disrespectfully, nicely explain that you don\u2019t like it and it must stop. If someone who never helps you pushes for a favor, nicely let them know you\u2019re no longer on a one-way street and can\u2019t give more time to someone who never has any for you. Slowly let people know how you feel, without blaming or getting angry. Gently share how you feel and that you will no longer condone it. You may lose a few friends along the way but that will give you less reasons to be anger. Standing up for yourself is a good way to say, \u201cI love me!\u201d!
\n*************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>. Watch the video<\/strong><\/a> made with Hoobastank’s son–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

DoorMats\/people pleasers often have a lot of reasons to be that way, most based on circumstances they bring on themselves. Pleasing everyone is a choice, not an obligation. But it\u2019s common to get angry about the repercussions from it , and you feel helpless to do something about it, because: \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0YOU feel like people…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[178,874,361,27,444],"class_list":["post-5250","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-anger-2","tag-feeling-used","tag-people-pleaser","tag-self-love","tag-setting-boundaries"],"yoast_head":"\nPeople Pleasing Anger - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/02\/people-pleasing-anger.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"People Pleasing Anger - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"DoorMats\/people pleasers often have a lot of reasons to be that way, most based on circumstances they bring on themselves. Pleasing everyone is a choice, not an obligation. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5250","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5250"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5250\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5279,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5250\/revisions\/5279"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5250"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5250"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5250"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}