{"id":5115,"date":"2014-01-10T12:01:08","date_gmt":"2014-01-10T17:01:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5115"},"modified":"2014-01-07T21:21:30","modified_gmt":"2014-01-08T02:21:30","slug":"who-matters-the-most","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/01\/who-matters-the-most.html","title":{"rendered":"Who Matters the Most?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Self-Love<\/a><\/p>\n

Today is Day 10 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month<\/a><\/strong> with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>\u2122.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Who matters the most to you? Be honest! There\u2019s only one good answer but many of us don\u2019t choose it. When I was a DoorMat, my answer would have been many other people. We people pleasing types make others way more important than ourselves. Who matters the most to you? Is it your romantic partner, a family member or your kids? Those are common picks. But if you answered one of those, I\u2019d have to say, \u201cBuzz, wrong answer!\u201d When I dispute the choice with a client, I always get defensive answers such as:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cMy spouse\/partner is critical to my happiness so of course he\/she is the most important person. I love him\/her.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cMy parents\/sister\/brother\/ grandparents are my blood and raised me so shouldn\u2019t they be most important?<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cMY best friend is my lifeline to talk things out with and also to do social activities with. I don\u2019t know how I\u2019d survive without her\/him so isn\u2019t it okay to label them most important?\u201d<\/p>\n

I tell them all \u201cNO!\u201d If you want to be happy\u2014I mean truly happy\u2014get this through your head:<\/p>\n

The person who should matter most to you is YOU!!<\/strong> Your first commitment should be to YOU! It\u2019s very hard to get your needs met if you\u2019re more concerned about others. Believing otherwise is how DoorMats come to be. In my Doormat days, if I listed the people that mattered t in order of their priority to me, I\u2019d have been at the bottom of the list, or not at all. And it\u2019s no surprise that I wasn\u2019t happy and had few of my needs met.<\/p>\n

Putting yourself at the top of your list does not mean neglecting the people who also matter to you. Of course it\u2019s fine to be good to them and meets some or all of their needs. But it shouldn\u2019t be at your expense as a lifestyle. I\u2019ll go out of my way for people I care about because they needed me and I wanted to help them. But, I still make sure that I\u2019m taken care of too and the expense of helping the other person isn\u2019t too high for me, like it is for so many people pleasers who cancel their own plans to help or loan money they can\u2019t afford or always give in on social choices. Your desires must be part of the choices you make! Yet I still get arguments.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cBut he\/she is the love of my life and the one who matter most to me. What\u2019s wrong with that?<\/strong>\u201d Often when I ask if he\/she does as much back, I get excuses about how their partners are busy or it\u2019s not their way. If you mean enough to your partner, it will be a relatively equal give and take. But you still need to be making choices based on what\u2019s good for you, and cut the excuses for why you don\u2019t get as much as you give. Love is a 2-way street!<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 “Shouldn\u2019t I be loyal to my family and be there for them?”<\/strong> Yes and no. You can be there for them as long as you feel happy about what you do. If it creates any negative emotions about being asked for too much or not having reciprocation when you need something, it\u2019s time to set more boundaries so that you come first in the choices.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m a mom\/dad. My kids should come first since they depend on me.\u201d<\/strong> When you take care of yourself first you have more to give to your children, and everyone else. That\u2019s why airlines tell you in an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first. Then put it on your children. If you deplete yourself trying to please everyone but you, you\u2019ll have much less to give.<\/p>\n

Choose What\u2019s Works for YOU. Your life should be about making YOU happy, not pleasing others at your expense. Write a list of everyone who matters to you in order of priority. Put ME on top in big letters. Use a red marker if you have one. Look at it often to remind yourself that you matter most. Putting self first helps to build self-love. With January being Self-Love Month, now is a good time to make that list and convince yourself that you belong at the top. Treating yourself with more kindness will help your self-love flourish.<\/p>\n

YOU matter\u2014a lot! Go make that list now!
\n**************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days<\/strong><\/strong>.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Day 10 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122.   Who matters the most to you? Be honest! There\u2019s only one good answer but many of us don\u2019t choose it. When I was a DoorMat, my answer…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15],"tags":[27],"class_list":["post-5115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-self-love"],"yoast_head":"\nWho Matters the Most? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Who Matters the Most? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today is Day 10 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122.   Who matters the most to you? 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5115"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5147,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5115\/revisions\/5147"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}