{"id":5109,"date":"2014-01-12T12:01:26","date_gmt":"2014-01-12T17:01:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=5109"},"modified":"2014-01-07T21:09:36","modified_gmt":"2014-01-08T02:09:36","slug":"is-falling-in-love-always-good","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2014\/01\/is-falling-in-love-always-good.html","title":{"rendered":"Is Falling in Love Always Good?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Self-Love<\/a><\/p>\n

Today is Day 12 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month<\/a><\/strong> with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>\u2122.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Most people look forward to falling in love. But there are times when that won\u2019t make you happy. That\u2019s why I encourage falling in love with yourself\u2014the most sustaining love.\u00a0 Today my guest is Self-Love Ambassador Tina B. Tessina<\/strong><\/a>, Ph.D, a licensed psychotherapist in S. California with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples who will share 10 reasons for not falling in love.<\/p>\n

Dr. Tessina is\u00a0 the author of 13 books including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction<\/em> (New P\"tina\"<\/a>age); How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free<\/em> (New Page); and her newest, Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Difference<\/em>s. She is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com<\/a> – the Relationships Website and she publishes \u201cHappiness Tips from Tina\u201d, an e-mail newsletter, and the \u201cDr. Romance Blog.\u201d Online, she is \u201cDr. Romance\u201d with columns at Divine Caroline,\u00a0 SelfGrowth.com and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Love Network expert. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and such TV shows as \u201cOprah\u201d, \u201cLarry King Live\u201d and ABC News.<\/p>\n

10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love<\/strong>
\nBy Tina B. Tessina<\/strong><\/a>, PhD LMFT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Although you might think of \u201cfalling in love\u201d as romantic; we all fall in love many times in life: with a new lover, a new friend, a particularly cooperative co-worker, an appealing movie or TV star, a caring neighbor, siblings, relatives and even pets. Any close relationship involves falling in love at least a little bit, and it\u2019s these connections that make life pleasurable.<\/p>\n

But, sometimes making connections becomes scary, and you feel the need to protect yourself instead of reaching out with an open heart. I see many clients who have trouble connecting with others, making enjoyable friendships, and have struggles with family members, so they experience relationships of all types as difficult and painful.\u00a0 There are many reasons people hold back and remain closed off. Holding back and resisting caring can cause you to become overcommitted to certain relationships (co-dependent), too clingy in others, or to appear cold and standoffish.<\/p>\n

Here are ten reasons you may not feel comfortable being open and available for love:<\/p>\n

1. You\u2019ve been burned before<\/strong>: If you got hurt or disappointed in a prior relationship, you might be reluctant to take another risk.<\/p>\n

2. Shyness<\/strong>: Being afraid of meeting new people will hold you back from meeting the person you can fall in love with. No matter how cool you may be in your business dealings, with your friends, or in front of strangers you don\u2019t want to date, if you\u2019re contemplating meeting people to date, you may stammer, get tongue tied, blush, fidget, look at everything but the person, your heart may race, and you can find yourself breaking out in all kinds of mannerisms that remind you of being a teen.<\/p>\n

3. Holding out for Mr\/Ms Righ<\/strong>t: If you reject everyone who seems less than perfect at first glance, you might reject the very one you could fall in love with, if you got to know their finer qualities.<\/p>\n

4. Growing up in a dysfunctional family<\/strong>: Growing up with parents who fought a lot or were angry, cold or violent; or with a divorced or single parent who couldn\u2019t develop relationships that lasted can leave you without a skill set for finding and making a connection with a healthy person.<\/p>\n

5. Sex too soon<\/strong>: Having sex right away changes your connection from possible relationship to one-night stand.\u00a0 You can cease to be a person in your date\u2019s eyes, and just become a booty call.
\n6. Body image issues: If you\u2019re too self-critical about your body and your look, you may be so self-obsessed that you never even notice when someone else likes you, and you miss your chance.<\/p>\n

7. Sexual hang-ups<\/strong>: if you\u2019re too focused on sex, or too repressed about it, you\u2019ll be reluctant to allow intimacy and love to grow.<\/p>\n

8. Violent history<\/strong>: If you were in a previous violent relationship, you\u2019ll have PTSD that will stop you from taking another risk.<\/p>\n

9. Low self-confidence<\/strong>: If you\u2019re not comfortable with yourself, you won\u2019t allow others to get close and discover you.<\/p>\n

10. Still Grieving<\/strong>: If you haven\u2019t recovered from your last relationship, it\u2019s too soon to let someone else in.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen many people in my office who say they don\u2019t want another relationship, or even a pet, because losing the last one hurt too much.<\/p>\n

No matter how well prepared you are, every new relationship will be unique.\u00a0 Some will obviously be better than others.\u00a0 The whole point of meeting new people is to get to know them and let them discover you. Since everyone you meet will be a unique individual, there\u2019s no way to be completely prepared for what will happen. Every new relationship is a surprise and a mystery. If you are prepared to learn and to be surprised, seeking to control only your own responses, and prepared to make realistic plans and decisions, you\u2019ll enjoy most of the experience. Caring means venturing into the unknown, exploring and learning, so enjoy the adventure, and you\u2019ll get the best results.<\/p>\n

If you are an adult, you have a lot of life experience, sometimes called baggage. Some of your experience will be helpful, and some will be problematic.\u00a0 If you take the time to examine your history and experience, you\u2019ll find you\u2019ve learned a lot, and when you learn from a loss or a mistake, you grow your emotional repertoire, and I think it\u2019s how we grow our souls.<\/p>\n

The skill you\u2019ve learned in your life, in work, with friends, in team sports and social events, and at school can be very helpful in all your relationships, if you understand that you can transfer other life skills to the dating situation.\u00a0 If you hire and\/or manage people in your job, for example, use the intuitive skill you\u2019ve developed there to \u201cScope out\u201d someone you\u2019ve just met. Without being obvious, you can \u201cinterview\u201d this person, and draw out information.\u00a0 If what you hear would make you want to hire him or her, then a friendship might be a good experience.<\/p>\n

Emotional traumas from childhood and past relationships is called baggage, because it\u2019s extra \u201cstuff\u201d carried into all your relationships, which effects how you perceive your interactions.<\/p>\n

Beginning (or even contemplating) a relationship activates these memories, and brings your old fears and insecurities to the surface.\u00a0 Old issues have not been resolved such as fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection; will surface to be cleared away. For example, if you had a competitive relationship with your siblings, you may find yourself competing with other people in inappropriate ways.<\/p>\n

Once you learn, very early in life, that relationships, (including with your original family, childhood friendships, teenage friendships or adult relationships) don\u2019t happen automatically, and problems can come up, especially emotionally painful problems, it\u2019s very easy to become phobic, or intensely afraid, of being hurt or rejected.<\/p>\n

To overcome the fear, you need to learn to look at your relationships in a new way.\u00a0 You can \u2018meet\u2019 people you already know; even family members, by looking at them differently.\u00a0 Instead of thinking about your parent, sibling or extended family member in the same old way, try meeting them anew, as you would a stranger, and finding out who they are apart from what you already know.\u00a0 Asking a family member about their history before you were born, or an experience they had that you were not part of will give you a new perspective.<\/p>\n

Because each new person is a new experience, you probably feel out of control; and you are.\u00a0 There is no way to control what will happen, or how the other person will act or respond. However, you are always in control of your own actions and responses, and that can make a vast difference in how your friendships and relationships progress.\u00a0 If you keep in mind that you get to choose what you say and do, and it\u2019s about enjoying the other person, not pleasing them, you\u2019ll have better results.<\/p>\n

Prior pain is often a reason why people dread a new experience. If your history of relationships has been painful, hurtful or a disaster; it\u2019s natural not to want to try it again.\u00a0 But, even one good relationship experience can help heal the hurts from the past relationships that did not work out.<\/p>\n

Relationships cause you to grow emotionally, which can be a bit scary. If you keep in mind, however, that the \u201cnew you\u201d you are creating will be happier, more socially confident, and very likely happier, you can overcome reluctance and get enthused.\u00a0 You will actually be able to relax, and have a good time.
\n**************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement\u2122!<\/strong><\/a> Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a>—\u201cI commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days .\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Day 12 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122. Most people look forward to falling in love. But there are times when that won\u2019t make you happy. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5109","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5109"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5109\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5138,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5109\/revisions\/5138"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5109"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5109"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5109"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}