{"id":4923,"date":"2013-12-13T12:01:46","date_gmt":"2013-12-13T17:01:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4923"},"modified":"2013-11-09T22:20:15","modified_gmt":"2013-11-10T03:20:15","slug":"why-self-absorption-isnt-loving-or-empowering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/12\/why-self-absorption-isnt-loving-or-empowering.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Self-Absorption Isn\u2019t Loving or Empowering"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Me-Me\"<\/a>There\u2019s a fine line between self-love\/wanting to be an empowered person and self-absorption. It\u2019s easy to get lost in new-found self-awareness and overcompensate with too much self-indulgence or act like no one else matters, which is unhealthy for friendship, whether romantic or friendship. You need to be #1 in your life but not Mr.\/Ms. One & Only. Self-absorption can be a transitional period. Healthy self- love balances concern for your needs and for others.<\/p>\n

As I you feel better about you and decide to put yourself first in your own life, you may want to make up for everything you\u2019ve missed. That can include trying to make sure that nobody would get in the way of getting what you want and letting everyone know your desires. That doesn\u2019t make you pleasant to be around. Going from one extreme to another isn\u2019t healthy for keeping supportive people in your world.<\/p>\n

Avoid any thoughts that the world owes you for painful experiences or things you’ve been deprived of. I had a lovely client, who was kind and giving. Lindsay was a DoorMat for years. After working with her for a while, she finally began taking care of herself, which is good. But her expectations of what she should get from others was excessive. When she wanted something she didn’t just ask. She put friends on the spot. After catering to everyone she was ready to be catered to. Lindsay would proudly tell me about how she asserted herself. Her requests were more like demands.<\/p>\n

Lindsay is kind to her friends so she didn’t understand that it was unfair to expect so much and that they didn\u2019t owe her for what she did for them. If someone said \u201cno\u201d to her she took it poorly and told people off. I explained that friends owed her nothing because gave a lot–that was HER choice to do so—and that it was unrealistic to expect people to make up for what she didn\u2019t get during her DoorMat years.<\/p>\n

Once you get on the train out of DoorMatville you owe it to yourself to do the best you can but no one else owes you. The other side of being a DoorMat is NOT self-absorption. It\u2019s being a person who sets boundaries on what you give and tempers what you think others should do for you. Make yourself #1 in your life but make those you care about important too.<\/p>\n

Recovering DoorMats can become overly demanding or rigid, or selfish in unhealthy ways as they learn to take care of themselves. True healing and self- love includes helping those we care about. Do what you can for yourself but try harder to be the kind of friend you want for yourself in whatever ways are comfortable.
\n**************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s a fine line between self-love\/wanting to be an empowered person and self-absorption. It\u2019s easy to get lost in new-found self-awareness and overcompensate with too much self-indulgence or act like no one else matters, which is unhealthy for friendship, whether romantic or friendship. You need to be #1 in your life but not Mr.\/Ms. One…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[803,27],"class_list":["post-4923","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-self-absorption","tag-self-love"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Self-Absorption Isn\u2019t Loving or Empowering - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/12\/why-self-absorption-isnt-loving-or-empowering.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Self-Absorption Isn\u2019t Loving or Empowering - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There\u2019s a fine line between self-love\/wanting to be an empowered person and self-absorption. It\u2019s easy to get lost in new-found self-awareness and overcompensate with too much self-indulgence or act like no one else matters, which is unhealthy for friendship, whether romantic or friendship. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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