{"id":4885,"date":"2013-11-07T12:01:56","date_gmt":"2013-11-07T17:01:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4885"},"modified":"2013-10-17T11:54:18","modified_gmt":"2013-10-17T15:54:18","slug":"watching-out-for-psychological-abuse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/11\/watching-out-for-psychological-abuse.html","title":{"rendered":"Watching Out for Psychological Abuse"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"DeeLouisScott\"<\/a>I had a client who was both physically and mentally abused. She was beaten from childhood by her father and then by her first husband, throughout her marriage. Her second husband verbally abused her for a few years but she told me that those few years of mental abuse were worse than over twenty years of being physically beaten often. Psychological abuse can be hard to identify. Years ago I bumped into a friend I hadn\u2019t seen in years, as she\u2019d moved. She asked if I was still seeing the boyfriend I was with when she lived near me.\u00a0 She was happy when I said \u201cno,\u201d and said she hated the demeaning way he spoke to me.<\/p>\n

I was stunned, as I\u2019d gotten used to his nasty words. I was a DoorMat back then and probably thought I deserved to be put down. Yet when my friend called him abusive, I was stunned and denied it. As I said, psychological abuse can be hard to identify. Walking away from an abusive person is a great act of self-love!That\u2019s why I\u2019m happy to have\u00a0Dee Louis-Scott<\/strong> <\/a> as my guest today.
\n.
\nLouis-Scott is the author of Believe in the Magic: Let the Tenacity of Mattie Fisher Inspire You<\/strong><\/a>, the story of her mother\u2019s journey. She retired after working 30 years as a federal employee. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in business administration and has co-chaired the Black Family Technology Awareness Association\u2019s Youth STEM Fair for nine years. it\u2019s mission is to encourage studies in the Science, Technology, Engineering and Math curriculum in urban communities. Twenty years since the death of her heroic mother, Mattie Fisher, Louis-Scott honors her life, which was experienced in a time in American history when it was a double-curse to be a black woman. Here\u2019s wha she said about psychological abuse:<\/p>\n

Psychological Abuse is the First Warning: Run, Get Out<\/strong>
\nBy Dee Louis-Scott <\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

?Psychological abuse can be as damaging to the psyche as physical abuse can be to the body, yet little is written about this common problem, which is typically the precursor to physical abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 95 percent of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.?? \"DeeLouisScott<\/a><\/p>\n

Psychological abuse consists of impairing the mental life and impeding mental development. It creates distorted beliefs, taught by the abuser, about the world. Those beliefs become ingrained in the victim\u2019s mind and can interfere with the flexibility that needed to constantly assess the environment and respond appropriately. Knowing the signs of psychological abuse may save women from the physical abuse that so often follows.<\/p>\n

I experienced psychological abuse through the eyes of a child — part of the stories I share in Believe in the Magic: Let the Tenacity of Mattie Fisher<\/a>, the story of my mother\u2019s remarkable journey.??I watched as my father systematically and maliciously attempted to drive my mother crazy. He would constantly move car keys and other items from the places she normally kept them. He would then pretend to find them in odd places, like the refrigerator.<\/p>\n

After playing the hero for a month or so, my father would start insulting my mom with degrading remarks.??After months of psychological warfare, with her mental state sufficiently weakened, my father would begin the physical abuse. For the rest of her life, my mother was inconsolable and shaky whenever something went missing. Signs of psychological abuse include:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2022 Your partner uses finances to control you.
\n\u2022 He often threatens to leave.
\n\u2022 She seeks to intimidate using looks, gestures or actions.
\n\u2022 He smashes things.?
\n\u2022 Your partner seeks to control you by minimizing, denying and blaming
\n\u2022 He makes light of the abuse and does not take your concerns about it seriously.
\n\u2022 You are continually criticized, called names and\/or shouted at.
\n\u2022 She emotionally degrades you in private, but acts charming in public.
\n\u2022 He humiliates you in private or public.
\n\u2022 They withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment.<\/p>\n

Effects of psychological abuse on the victim<\/strong>, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:<\/p>\n

\u2022 A distrust of his or her own spontaneity ?
\n\u2022 A loss of enthusiasm
\n\u2022 An uncertainty about how she is coming across
\n\u2022 A concern that something is wrong with him
\n\u2022 An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong ?
\n\u2022 A loss of self-confidence
\n\u2022 A growing self-doubt
\n\u2022 An internalized critical voice ?
\n\u2022 A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be
\n\u2022 An anxiety or fear of being crazy
\n\u2022 A sense that time is passing and he’s missing something
\n\u2022 A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. “too sensitive,” etc.
\n\u2022 A hesitancy to accept her perceptions ?
\n\u2022 A reluctance to come to conclusions
\n\u2022 A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “Everything will be great when\/after …”
\n\u2022 A desire to escape or run away
\n\u2022 A distrust of future relationships<\/p>\n

If you answered yes to even one, you may be in an abusive relationship.Get help!?<\/strong> Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had a client who was both physically and mentally abused. She was beaten from childhood by her father and then by her first husband, throughout her marriage. 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