{"id":4821,"date":"2013-10-28T12:01:48","date_gmt":"2013-10-28T16:01:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4821"},"modified":"2013-09-16T22:17:04","modified_gmt":"2013-09-17T02:17:04","slug":"why-pleasure-does-not-equal-happiness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/10\/why-pleasure-does-not-equal-happiness.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Pleasure Does Not Equal Happiness"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"kite\"<\/a>Do you think that having lots experiences of pleasure will make you happy? That\u2019s an erroneous belief that gets people into trouble. Often when I ask clients if they\u2019re happy, and why, those who say they are tell me about things they\u2019re getting pleasure from:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m happy because I have a new romantic partner.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m happy because I lost 15 pounds.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m happy because the weather has been lovely.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m happy because my physical ailment isn\u2019t acting up at the moment.<\/p>\n

And so on. The trouble comes when those pleasurable circumstances change.\u00a0 Pleasure is something that feels good in the moment. But it can bring pain after. Eating a tub of ice cream will feel pleasurable to many people. But when you finish you may be left with negative feelings, like guilt or shame, for having eaten it, or, a tummy ache. And if you gain weight from your pleasure, you certainly won\u2019t feel happy.<\/p>\n

Of course there are many pleasurable things that can reinforce happiness\u2014being with someone you care about, getting a massage, taking a vacation, a perfect weather day, etc. But it\u2019s important to recognize the pleasurable things that reinforce happiness and those that don\u2019t. That\u2019s why happiness, not pleasure, should be your goal since sometimes it\u2019s hard to distinguish between the pleasurable activities that make you happy and those that hurt you.<\/p>\n

Pleasure is not sustainable. The vacation will end, your loved one may not be around all the time, a delicious meal will be eaten and rainy days will eventually come. But when you\u2019re a happy person on the inside, those things won\u2019t make you unhappy or push you to seek something else that will give you pleasure. Happiness on the inside keeps you content. Things that give you pleasure can be like a side dish for happiness that makes you feel happier. But if the foundation of your happiness is pleasure then you may not be truly happy.<\/p>\n

Marci Shimoff\u00a0 says, \u201cWhen you\u2019re happy for no reason, you\u2019re unconditionally happy. It\u2019s not that your life always looks perfect\u2014it\u2019s just that however it looks, you\u2019ll still be happy.\u201d Happiness that\u2019s dependent on having pleasure won\u2019t make you a happy person. Pleasure doesn\u2019t create contentment inside, which happiness does. And happiness from the inside is the kind that sustains you when pleasurable things are gone.<\/p>\n

Often pleasure is used like a bandage to make an unhappy life feel better. Depending on it can leave you down if the person giving you pleasures leaves or it rains or another source of pleasure goes away. Or the pleasure can being you unhappiness down the road. I had a client I\u2019ll call Ben, who had jus moved to NY when he came to me. He considered himself a gourmet and was thrilled to be offered a high paying job here. He was extremely happy to be able to try all the great restaurants he\u2019d heard about and kept saying how happy he was to be able to afford to eat out every day.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t hear from Ben for several months. When he called saying he was no longer happy. He\u2019d been so wrapped up in his decadent eating that he didn\u2019t realize he was gaining weight from it. His clothes didn\u2019t fit him and he felt lousy. He was thinking of leaving NY. I helped him begin to build real happiness that didn\u2019t depend on pleasure. As Ben learned to love himself he began to eat out less and exercise more. As he stopped looking to the pleasure of eating to make himself happy he began to be truly happy on the inside.<\/p>\n

I love having pleasure! We all do. But use it to enhance your happiness, not to depend on pleasure to be happy. As you work on loving yourself and being happy in your own skin, you can slowly understand what true happiness is.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you think that having lots experiences of pleasure will make you happy? That\u2019s an erroneous belief that gets people into trouble. Often when I ask clients if they\u2019re happy, and why, those who say they are tell me about things they\u2019re getting pleasure from: \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m happy because I have a new romantic partner.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,14,15],"tags":[786],"class_list":["post-4821","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-happiness","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-real-happiness"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Pleasure Does Not Equal Happiness - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/10\/why-pleasure-does-not-equal-happiness.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Pleasure Does Not Equal Happiness - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Do you think that having lots experiences of pleasure will make you happy? That\u2019s an erroneous belief that gets people into trouble. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4821","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4821"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4821\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4823,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4821\/revisions\/4823"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4821"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4821"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4821"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}