{"id":4597,"date":"2013-08-19T12:01:44","date_gmt":"2013-08-19T16:01:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4597"},"modified":"2013-06-18T19:06:38","modified_gmt":"2013-06-18T23:06:38","slug":"speaking-up-for-your-personal-freedom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/08\/speaking-up-for-your-personal-freedom.html","title":{"rendered":"Speaking Up for Your Personal Freedom"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"silhouette3\"<\/a>As a young girl I was advised to try to be as agreeable as possible with everyone. That would help people see me as a good girl\u2014a nice girl who they liked because she didn\u2019t cause problems. That helped me to become the DoorMat I was for years. Yes, people liked me, but I didn\u2019t like never getting to eat where I wanted or to choose the activity I did with friends. My middle name back then should have been, \u201cWhatever you want,\u201d especially with men.<\/p>\n

As I began to value myself more, I began to leave DoorMatville and got over my fear of losing people in my life if I spoke up for me. That helped me to accept that I had a right to turn off agreeable autopilot and say what I wanted when it mattered to me. Logic hit me. Other people spoke up for their desires and asked for favors all the time. Why not me? Wasn\u2019t I entitled to my share? YES! I was. So are you! Wasn\u2019t it okay to speak up when someone did things I didn\u2019t like? Absolutely! And it\u2019s your right too.<\/p>\n

If you feel like you\u2019ve been doing all the giving and going along with everyone else\u2019s desire, or being treated in ways that don\u2019t feel good, it\u2019s time to speak up for you\u2014nicely, with an approach that shows you\u2019re serious! Free yourself from whatever fear made you a people pleaser. Embrace your right as a good human being to be able to have your personal needs met. It might sound ridiculous to some people but the first time I spoke up and got to choose a restaurant to go to with friends I always deferred to was thrilling\u00a0 for me. And all it took was saying that I always went along with them and wanted a turn. They readily agreed. I was no longer in a prison of having to go along with everyone else\u2019s desires and it felt freeing.<\/p>\n

Express yourself in small doses instead of socking it to people. For example, if Mom always nags that you do nothing right, calmly explain why it bothers you, and change the subject so she can process it. Don\u2019t dump everything that annoys you on her. Reinforce it by pointing it out periodically until it gets through. If you lose someone, it may be for the best, as my client Tara discovered.\u00a0 She was happy to meet Marie when she moved to large city. She loved having a friend who was single and available to do activities.\u00a0 But Marie was often nasty and controlling. Tara was afraid to address it and possibly lose the one person she could count on to go out with.<\/p>\n

She complained to everyone but Marie. When she shared her feelings with me about things Marie did she got very emotional. Marie would do awful things and then became temporarily sweet for a while\u2014like an emotional seesaw ride. Tare worked with me on building her self-esteem and confidence. When it increased, she knew she had to stop Marie\u2019s nasty jabs and gently told Marie that she, and the anger created drained her. Shortly after Marie disappeared. By then Tara wasn\u2019t scared of being on her own. She began doing activities Marie didn\u2019t like and met nicer friends. She was grateful to enjoy her personal freedom.<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t speak up clearly, how can people know what you want? Be straightforward and give concrete examples and suggestions. \u201cI don\u2019t like that\u201d gets little resolution. Explain why and what you\u2019d appreciate. Don\u2019t drop hints and pray they stick. Give details. Make what you want or what bothers you, and why, clear so the person can understand. Some people won\u2019t want to understand but losing people who always want THEIR way isn\u2019t a loss for you. It\u2019s freeing yourself!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a young girl I was advised to try to be as agreeable as possible with everyone. That would help people see me as a good girl\u2014a nice girl who they liked because she didn\u2019t cause problems. That helped me to become the DoorMat I was for years. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4597","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4597"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4599,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4597\/revisions\/4599"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}