{"id":4370,"date":"2013-05-28T12:01:17","date_gmt":"2013-05-28T16:01:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4370"},"modified":"2013-05-06T22:50:45","modified_gmt":"2013-05-07T02:50:45","slug":"when-youre-not-sorry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/05\/when-youre-not-sorry.html","title":{"rendered":"When You\u2019re Not Sorry"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"file000417362937\"<\/a>I\u2019ve had clients ask me if it\u2019s okay to not say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when they\u2019re not sorry, even if it\u2019s expected. Perhaps you tell someone you can\u2019t volunteer for something they want you for and the truth is you\u2019re happy to turn them down. Why say you\u2019re sorry if you\u2019re not? Often we say it out of habit or because we think it\u2019s the polite things to do. That was me when I was a DoorMat. Since I wanted everyone to like me, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d came out of my mouth on autopilot. But even then it felt disingenuous if I wasn\u2019t sorry. Saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when you\u2019re not is common but unnecessary, and can hurt your self-empowerment. Why?<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d implies that you did something wrong. And feeling like you did something wrong can hurt your self-image and stir up guilt.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Turning down a request with \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d attached will encourage the person to ask again.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Apologizing for something you didn\u2019t do wrong tells the person and the Universe that you think you\u2019re wrong.<\/p>\n

Get into the habit of pausing before you say \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d unless at the moment it\u2019s very legit, like you stepped on someone\u2019s foot or gave the wrong info. Otherwise, ask yourself:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Did I do anything that\u2019s wrong?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Am I really sorry or just saying it to be polite?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0How can I express what I really feel about it?<\/p>\n

If you recognize that you don\u2019t feel sorry, don\u2019t say it! Empower yourself enough to only apologize when you do feel you were wrong. Give yourself permission to skip it. If you feel you need to say something or to express that you\u2019re sorry, make sure you say what you\u2019re sorry for, using words like:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m sorry you don\u2019t want to go alone but I can\u2019t join you.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m sorry you\u2019re stuck for volunteers for your event but I have something else to do.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m sorry you were hurt by what I said but I had to be honest about how I feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Say you\u2019re sorry that they have bad feelings, not for your part in it. That makes a big difference in how you process the apology and increases your self-empowerment and improves your self\u2014image.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve had clients ask me if it\u2019s okay to not say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when they\u2019re not sorry, even if it\u2019s expected. Perhaps you tell someone you can\u2019t volunteer for something they want you for and the truth is you\u2019re happy to turn them down. Why say you\u2019re sorry if you\u2019re not? Often we say it…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2],"tags":[683,599,368],"class_list":["post-4370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-im-sorry","tag-apologizing","tag-guilt"],"yoast_head":"\nWhen You\u2019re Not Sorry - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/05\/when-youre-not-sorry.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When You\u2019re Not Sorry - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019ve had clients ask me if it\u2019s okay to not say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when they\u2019re not sorry, even if it\u2019s expected. Perhaps you tell someone you can\u2019t volunteer for something they want you for and the truth is you\u2019re happy to turn them down. Why say you\u2019re sorry if you\u2019re not? Often we say it…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/05\/when-youre-not-sorry.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-05-28T16:01:17+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-05-07T02:50:45+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2013\/05\/file000417362937-200x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"When You\u2019re Not Sorry - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/05\/when-youre-not-sorry.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"When You\u2019re Not Sorry - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"I\u2019ve had clients ask me if it\u2019s okay to not say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when they\u2019re not sorry, even if it\u2019s expected. Perhaps you tell someone you can\u2019t volunteer for something they want you for and the truth is you\u2019re happy to turn them down. Why say you\u2019re sorry if you\u2019re not? 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4370"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4373,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4370\/revisions\/4373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}