{"id":4239,"date":"2013-04-22T12:01:30","date_gmt":"2013-04-22T16:01:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4239"},"modified":"2013-03-27T12:34:49","modified_gmt":"2013-03-27T16:34:49","slug":"freeing-your-inner-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/04\/freeing-your-inner-no.html","title":{"rendered":"Freeing Your Inner \u201cNo\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Most of us have a hard time saying \u201cno\u201d, at least sometimes.\u00a0 Since most of want to seem like being a \u201cnice\u201d person, it\u2019s often assumed that saying \u201cno\u201d to someone who needs you isn\u2019t \u201cnice.\u201d But that\u2019s not true! Helping people when you can\u2014when it works for you\u2014is a much healthier version of nice, because it includes your needs too. Every time you say \u201cyes\u201d to someone and agree to do something you don\u2019t want to do, you say \u201cno\u201d to you\u2014to your needs and what YOU want.. And that\u2019s not nice!<\/p>\n

Do you wish you could say \u201cno\u201d more often? You absolutely have it in you to adjust your \u201cno\u201d autopilot so you don\u2019t always feel obligated to agree to do things you don\u2019t want to do, especially when they interfere with what you want. First you have to acknowledge that you want to learn to say \u201cno\u201d\u2014I mean really want to do it. It has to matter to you. In my DoorMat days, I always wanted to turn people down but it took me years to want it enough. When you work on building your self-love, it makes it easier.<\/p>\n

The more I loved me, the more I wanted to do what was best for me. And that helped me to slowly work on not believing that I had to cater to the world.\u00a0 There\u2019s usually an underlying fear behind an inability to ever say \u201cno\u201d or even to say it just occasionally or to specific people. Ask yourself, \u201cDo I want to be a people pleaser forever? \u201c If you don\u2019t, start by pinpointing exactly what makes saying \u201cno\u201d hard. Are you scared of:<\/p>\n

* Not being liked<\/strong>? Think about the other reasons that people can like you\u2014all your good qualities. Are you really satisfied with having people who only like you because you do things for them? Remind yourself about how much nicer it is to be liked for you, not for your favors. And it\u2019s impossible to get everyone to like you.<\/p>\n

* Losing the person<\/strong>? If you lose someone because you didn\u2019t do them favors, what are you actually losing? True friends will respect your needs too. Having been on both sides, I assure you that it\u2019s more satisfying to have fewer friends but know they care about you than to have a large group of people who have high expectations about what you can do for them?<\/p>\n

* Looking bad?<\/strong> Not seeming nice?<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to be a people pleaser to be a nice person. \u201cNice\u201d and DoorMat are 2 separate concepts, though trying hard to be nice can make you a DoorMat.\u00a0 Nice people understand that it\u2019s okay to say \u201cno\u201d to requests that don\u2019t work for them or that they don\u2019t want to do or from people who never say \u201cyes\u201d to you\u2014as I called them in my article, the one-way takers<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Then think hard about whether or not it\u2019s really a terrible thing to pass on some requests. Then start small by turning one person down. When you see it doesn\u2019t ruin your life and you feel good not having to do it, let it motivate you to say it more. You don\u2019t even have to use the word \u201cno\u201d, as I explained in my article, Saying \u201cYes\u201d Slowly<\/strong><\/a>. You can get some tips for cutting back on being agreeable in my article, Saying \u201cNo\u201d to People Pleaser Prison<\/strong><\/a>. The important thing is to get comfortable with turning people down nicely. Then your self-empowerment will blossom!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Most of us have a hard time saying \u201cno\u201d, at least sometimes.\u00a0 Since most of want to seem like being a \u201cnice\u201d person, it\u2019s often assumed that saying \u201cno\u201d to someone who needs you isn\u2019t \u201cnice.\u201d But that\u2019s not true! Helping people when you can\u2014when it works for you\u2014is a much healthier version of nice,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[44,361,193,88],"class_list":["post-4239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-doormat-syndrome","tag-people-pleaser","tag-saying-no","tag-self-empowerment"],"yoast_head":"\nFreeing Your Inner \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/04\/freeing-your-inner-no.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Freeing Your Inner \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Most of us have a hard time saying \u201cno\u201d, at least sometimes.\u00a0 Since most of want to seem like being a \u201cnice\u201d person, it\u2019s often assumed that saying \u201cno\u201d to someone who needs you isn\u2019t \u201cnice.\u201d But that\u2019s not true! Helping people when you can\u2014when it works for you\u2014is a much healthier version of nice,…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/04\/freeing-your-inner-no.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-04-22T16:01:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-03-27T16:34:49+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2013\/03\/no-300x225.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Freeing Your Inner \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/04\/freeing-your-inner-no.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Freeing Your Inner \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"Most of us have a hard time saying \u201cno\u201d, at least sometimes.\u00a0 Since most of want to seem like being a \u201cnice\u201d person, it\u2019s often assumed that saying \u201cno\u201d to someone who needs you isn\u2019t \u201cnice.\u201d But that\u2019s not true! 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4239","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4239"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4239\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4242,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4239\/revisions\/4242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4239"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4239"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4239"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}