{"id":4040,"date":"2013-03-04T12:01:58","date_gmt":"2013-03-04T17:01:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=4040"},"modified":"2013-01-30T18:49:34","modified_gmt":"2013-01-30T23:49:34","slug":"remove-your-excuse-blinders","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/03\/remove-your-excuse-blinders.html","title":{"rendered":"Remove Your Excuse Blinders"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Many people live with blinders on to shut out any realities they don\u2019t want to acknowledge. When you feel insecure, seeing people and situations for what they really are might force you to take action you don\u2019t want to take. It might seem too scary if you don\u2019t know what will happen, especially if you\u2019re afraid of losing the person.<\/p>\n

People pleasers accept lame excuses form people they think they need in their lives and regurgitate them to friends who try to enlighten them. When I was a DoorMat I defended people to friends, my therapist, etc., knowing how weak it sounded. I couldn\u2019t face what my excuses tried to hide\u2014that I used them to to be able to tolerate inexcusable behavior. It seemed less painful to come up with reasons for why people did me wrong, let me down, used and hurt me than to face the truth\u2014that they weren\u2019t my friends and didn\u2019t care about my well-being and happiness. But deep down I knew the truth and part of me felt stupid for making excuses for inexcusable behavior. And it makes you feel low about yourself.<\/p>\n

The need to be liked is strong. When I as on Oprah, every person in the audience acknowledged they\u2019d rather be liked than respected and were willing to go out of their way to make sure people did like them. That need drives us to wear blinders or dark glasses that don’t let the light of truth in. But while excuses sugarcoat the truth, they don\u2019t change it. If you\u2019re afraid to challenge excuse-makers, decipher what scares you.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cEven if my boss is mean, I can\u2019t quit until my resume is perfect,\u201d can mean, \u201cI\u2019m scared to look for another job.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI can\u2019t get divorced until my kids are grown,\u201d can mean, \u201cA single man wouldn\u2019t want me with two kids.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI can\u2019t say \u2018no.\u2019 My friend counts on me,\u201d can mean, \u201cI need to feel needed.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cShe doesn\u2019t mean to take advantage.\u201d can mean, \u201cI can\u2019t risk losing her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do any sound familiar? I accepted absurdly feeble excuses in my DoorMat days, rather than risk being alone. But I WAS alone, since I had no one to count on! Daylle was the go-to girl for favors, but people got scarce when I needed one. I\u2019d have an \u201couch moment\u201d from the excuses, then convince myself it was true. Eventually the cost got too high and I accepted that while nobody is perfect, bits of good don\u2019t validate bad behavior! Remember:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Promises without follow up get you nothing.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Compliments after being\u00a0 lied to or being letyou down don\u2019t make you feel good about yourself.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Not having anyone to count on when everyone can count on you is unbalanced.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Courtesy and respect can still be given by a busy person<\/p>\n

Do you let one good facet of a person offset bad behavior?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t keep her word but is fun to party with.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He sponges off you but is affectionate.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She has a good heart but has too much going on to keep her word.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It hurts when he loses his temper but he makes up for it after.<\/p>\n

Excusing with buts \u2013 \u201cI want better treatment or a respectful boss or support from friends, BUT\u2026\u201d \u2013 keeps you stuck. Stop settling for sweet crumbs thrown your way! Become aware of how often you excuse unacceptable behavior. Create an excuse list whenever you get one, with the date. This intensifies awareness of Swiss cheese excuses. The holes become more apparent on paper.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>. Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! on Facebook<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many people live with blinders on to shut out any realities they don\u2019t want to acknowledge. When you feel insecure, seeing people and situations for what they really are might force you to take action you don\u2019t want to take. It might seem too scary if you don\u2019t know what will happen, especially if you\u2019re…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2],"tags":[416,43,88],"class_list":["post-4040","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-excuses","tag-people-pleasing","tag-self-empowerment"],"yoast_head":"\nRemove Your Excuse Blinders - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/03\/remove-your-excuse-blinders.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Remove Your Excuse Blinders - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Many people live with blinders on to shut out any realities they don\u2019t want to acknowledge. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4040","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4040"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4040\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4044,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4040\/revisions\/4044"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4040"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4040"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4040"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}