{"id":3995,"date":"2013-02-11T12:01:47","date_gmt":"2013-02-11T17:01:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3995"},"modified":"2013-01-17T21:29:08","modified_gmt":"2013-01-18T02:29:08","slug":"im-sorry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/02\/im-sorry.html","title":{"rendered":"\u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I\u2019ve often written about breaking the habit of saying \u201dI\u2019m sorry\u201d on autopilot. I used to say it whenever anything went wrong, even if I wasn\u2019t the cause of it. I\u2019d actually say \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d if someone bumped into me, just out of habit. Saying those two words often can bring down your confidence and isn\u2019t loving to you, since it makes you feel like you\u2019ve done wrong a lot. But saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d can also be the best thing you can say.<\/p>\n

When you say or do something wrong to someone who matters to you, it can be hard to know what to do. People tend to:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Make believe it didn\u2019t happen because they don’t want to face the guilt<\/strong>. Do you just ignore what you did, hoping it will go away since you don\u2019t know what to do? If you don\u2019t know what to do you may find it easier to just move on like it didn\u2019t happen. But it did, so this is inappropriate.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Try to buy forgiveness by buying gifts or treating the person to food\/drinks<\/strong>. You may try to overcompensate by buying forgiveness. The person might enjoy the rewards but it doesn\u2019t create true forgiveness or express true remorse.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Make excuses for why it happened to justify it or make them less culpable<\/strong>. Guilt can cause you to make excuses for what you did, to make yourself feel less guilty. But it often makes the person angry that you\u2019re not owning what you did.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Avoid the person and hope it will go away<\/strong>. That\u2019s an easy one to do if you don\u2019t care about seeing him\/her again. That could also make the person angrier, so it\u2019s less likely to go away. Then you might have to make your absence permanent.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Feel shame wallow and express it over and over. <\/strong>\u201cI feel so bad.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m such a bad person.\u201d That blows what you did out of proportion and keeps you in a bad mood, especially around that person.<\/p>\n

None of those responses will bring healthy results or make you feel fully forgiven. Studies show that the BEST think you can do when you\u2019ve done something wrong to someone\u2014let them down, lied, not kept your word, said something mean, etc. \u2014is to say those 2 little words that can be so hard for some of us: \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d It should sound very sincere when you say it. There\u2019s nothing worse than to have someone apologize in a tone that says they\u2019re just doing it to pay lip service, not because they\u2019re sorry.<\/p>\n

Kids do that a lot when a grown tells them to apologize. But you\u2019re not a child and an insincere apology brings no resolution. Own what you did, say you\u2019re truly sorry, and then move on. If the other person can\u2019t let go after, and you don\u2019t make a habit of doing what you apologized for, it becomes his\/her problem. If it\u2019s something you often do, then \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d won\u2019t mean much. Following up with respectful behavior is about all you can do. Just make sure that you let it go at that point! Love yourself enough to forgive you!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve often written about breaking the habit of saying \u201dI\u2019m sorry\u201d on autopilot. I used to say it whenever anything went wrong, even if I wasn\u2019t the cause of it. I\u2019d actually say \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d if someone bumped into me, just out of habit. Saying those two words often can bring down your confidence and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2],"tags":[599],"class_list":["post-3995","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-apologizing"],"yoast_head":"\n\u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/02\/im-sorry.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"\u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019ve often written about breaking the habit of saying \u201dI\u2019m sorry\u201d on autopilot. I used to say it whenever anything went wrong, even if I wasn\u2019t the cause of it. I\u2019d actually say \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d if someone bumped into me, just out of habit. 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I used to say it whenever anything went wrong, even if I wasn\u2019t the cause of it. I\u2019d actually say \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d if someone bumped into me, just out of habit. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3995","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3995"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3995\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3997,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3995\/revisions\/3997"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3995"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3995"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3995"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}